I Do (But I Don't)

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Feast your eyes on a familiar setting:

The bride's room.

Recognize the usual suspects?

The attentive bridesmaids...

...the relieved mother of the bride,

the radiant bride and the flower girl...

...who dreams of the day when

she'll be holding the bouquet.

Then there's me. Who is this mystery

woman with a cushion full of pins?

I'm Lauren Crandell,

and I'm a junior wedding consultant...

... "junior" meaning that my boss

barks the orders while I do the work.

I'm a seamstress, a gofer, an assistant....

You name it. Whatever it takes...

...to make sure that everything

will be perfect on that big day.

And although you might not believe me,

everything typically does work out.

Well, most of the time.

-Are you okay?

-Yes.

Oh, no.

Weddings, by their very nature,

are fraught with peril.

That's why you need me.

On your big day, it's my job

to take care of anything that goes wrong.

I worry for you. I troubleshoot,

problem-solve...

...and on occasion, work miracles.

Okay, your turn. Don't forget to smile.

-You look so beautiful.

-Thank you.

All right. Dad?

Having helped to plan

in excess of 100 weddings...

...I've come to realize that

there are unspoken rules...

...that every wedding consultant

should know.

Rule number one:
Do the work

and never take the credit.

Let the bride and groom

feel responsible for their perfect day.

Helping them achieve their dream

makes it all worthwhile.

Hello? Oh, hi, yeah.

I called about booking a band

on October 10.

The bride and groom

would love someone...

...who could do both rock and polka.

Can you hang on one second? Okay.

Hello, Tying the Knot.

Oh, hi, Barbara.

Gosh, I'm so sorry

that you got in a fight...

...with your maid of honor.

But your wedding isn't until 2007.

So I'm sure you guys will

make up by then.

-Here you go, miss.

-I don't think you need a backup.

No. Okay, I'm gonna call you

as soon as I can.

All right. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Hi. Okay. Sorry about that.

Where were we?

Lauren, get in here.

Actually, I'm sorry to do this.

I have to call you back.

Alrighty. Bye-bye. Yes?

You're never gonna believe

what happened.

-What?

-We just landed Darla Tedanski's wedding.

Who's Darla Tedanski?

The Sausage King's daughter.

-That's great.

-No, it's not great.

It's monumental. It's gonna be

the most high-profile wedding in Chicago.

Do you know what that means?

Long workdays

and virtually no sleep?

It means a guaranteed cover story

in Bride's Day. Imagine the publicity.

Anyway, don't think I forgot about you.

If everything goes off without a hitch,

you'll get that promotion we talked about.

-Are you serious?

-Dead serious.

Lauren Crandell, senior consultant.

Your own accounts, your own assistant...

...and, of course, a raise.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

That interviewer will be here

in 10 minutes. You need to prepare.

-I'm on it.

-Bride's Day is my favorite magazine.

Especially when I'm profiled in it.

Oh, careful, dear. That china

is worth more than your salary.

Cranberry scone? I made them myself.

Didn't Mommy, Snickers?

You run a business and find time

to bake. I don't know how you do it.

-I do.

-What was that, dear?

Nothing, G.

I was thinking out loud...

...about the flowers

for the Hanscum wedding.

What's there to think about?

The bride wants gardenias.

But gardenias are out of season.

We could ship from California,

but then we'd go over budget.

I think lilies are a nice alternative.

-Are you a consultant too?

-Junior consultant.

She a little does planning here and there...

...but it wouldn't be a Gennifer Douglas

production if I didn't do the work.

I'll be at my desk if you need me.

-Where were we?

-I was telling you...

-...about the Tedanski wedding.

-That's right. I must say...

...that's quite an undertaking

for two people.

Correction, dear. One person.

My recently separated assistant

is a little too emotional...

...to be handling this big of an event.

It's a very sad situation.

Just for the record,

I am not "too emotional. "

Rule number two:
A professional

never lets her personal life...

...get in the way of her work.

I was separated over a year ago.

Considering that my husband

cheated on me, it was the best thing...

...that could've happened. And although

my marriage didn't work out...

...I still wholeheartedly believe

in the sanctity of the institution.

Snickers.

Stupid....

Snickers!

My first step towards

that promotion was a meeting...

...with the new client, Darla Tedanski.

G desperately wanted to come,

but something came up.

Translation:
She was having a "Mommy

and me" portrait taken with Snickers.

Excuse me.

Hey, are you the Zen Energy Bar rep?

Actually, I'm here to meet Darla.

I'm the wedding planner.

You're Lauren? Kisses.

Aren't you yummy? Hang on.

I'll fetch boss-lady.

So here I am, waiting

for the pork princess to arrive.

I wonder if she looks

like her father.

Okay, so Darla didn't look anything

like a pork king's daughter.

-You must be Lauren.

-Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

Likewise. So tell me, how long

have you been G's assistant?

-Three years.

-Oh, that's commendable.

I don't know what I'd do

if I had to work under someone.

-What exactly do you do?

-Oh, I run my own advertising agency.

Talk about stressful.

Enough about me. G tells me

you are flawless with details.

My therapist calls it

obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Well, that's a good thing,

considering the wedding's in a month.

-A month?

-Yeah, we were working...

...with another planner,

but we just kept butting heads. So....

Here's our file from the last consultant.

It includes my likes and dislikes...

...down to what shoes

the flower girl wears.

Sorry to interrupt. Yogi Britney

aggravated her sciatica.

Oh, my God. I told you

no lotus position, Britney.

I gotta go. If you have any questions,

please ring Marc. Lauren, good luck.

Oh, God, Britney. Britney.

Marc, Marc. He's fine.

It's here, the problem.

Can we get ice or an ambulance?

Why is everyone not doing anything?!

-Marc, please!

-Yes.

Why do I hire you people?!

After spending the entire night

color-coding Darla's file...

...I fixed one messy situation

only to crash headfirst into another.

The Cibrianis, a nice Italian couple

from the South Side, were getting married.

And much to the bride's dismay,

the groom decided to make...

-...a grand entrance.

-Here I am!

Rule number three:

Nobody cares about the groom.

They've only come to see the bride.

-All right.

-So he's finally taking the plunge, huh?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Hold on, honey.

-Everything's under control.

I knew something like this

was gonna happen.

I'll be down in no time.

-Just stay put, okay, baby.

-I'm a little nauseous, but it's okay.

-I love you.

-I love you too.

I'm not hurt. I'm not hurt. It's okay.

-I should have listened to my mother.

-Don't worry.

You'll be fine, honey.

How fast can you get

a firetruck to St. Alfred's?

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