I Do (But I Don't) Page #2

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-I'm okay. I'm fine.

-Just hang on.

I promise we'll get you down.

You're almost there.

It's okay, okay? Just try to relax.

-That's easy for you to say.

-Where you going on your honeymoon?

-Tahiti.

-Okay, I want you to close your eyes...

...and pretend that you're

already there, okay?

Picture the white-sand beaches,

the crystal-clear water...

-...that mai tai in your hand.

-I don't like fruity drinks.

Fine, it's a beer. And don't forget

to put on some sunscreen.

The sun's really hot. You're doing good.

Keep relaxing.

Let me guess.

The groom fell head over heels.

-What is he doing?

-Applying sunscreen.

I have him visualizing his honeymoon

to stay calm.

Where exactly does he think

that he is?

-Tahiti.

-Tahiti? That's nice.

-You ever been there?

-No, but it's on my list.

-Your list?

-Of places I wanna travel to.

-I didn't realize people made lists for that.

-I have a list for everything.

-It helps me keep things under control.

-Now, where's the fun in that?

Okay. That's okay.

-I'm about to die.

-I'm not gonna let that happen.

Hold on. Hold on. Come here.

Relax. There we go.

-I got you. I got you.

-Thank you.

So you'll think twice

before doing this next time, huh?

Nice job, Nicky.

I would've gone up there myself...

-...but I just ate lunch.

-Yeah, right.

You're always the last one in, little brother,

first one out, Jay.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Thank you so much.

-No, no, thank you.

-You were great up there.

-Oh, I was just doing my job.

-I'm Lauren. I'm the wedding planner.

-Nick, the fireman.

What the hell were you thinking?

Come on. You're such an idiot.

-Guess I'd better go. Duty calls.

-Yeah, me too.

Okay.

So....

-See you around.

-Yeah, I hope so.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Oh, did I tell you? I saw Brad's mother

the other day at Dominic's.

We were saying what a shame it was

that the two of you had split up.

She still has fond feelings

for you, Lauren.

Too bad her son doesn't.

You know, it isn't too late to reconsider

this whole divorce thing.

-Mom, I already signed the papers.

-Well, perhaps you were a bit hasty, dear.

Marriage isn't a vacation, you know.

It takes a lot of hard work to keep

things together. Isn't that right, dear?

Oh, yes, dear.

I just don't understand.

You two seemed like the perfect couple.

We just grew apart.

Well, that's cause for counseling,

dear, not divorce.

Marriage isn't something that you can

take back, like a sweater that doesn't fit.

You may wonder why my mother

is so anxious for me...

...to reconcile with an adulterer.

Well, for starters,

she doesn't know he is one.

I didn't have the guts to tell her.

Look at her. She's the epitome...

...of the perfect wife.

I was afraid to disappoint her.

I just want you to be happy.

I know, Mom, but I don't

need a man to be happy.

Couldn't you just consider

giving Brad a second chance?

Hello? Anybody home?

-Oh, my God. You didn't.

-Trust me, it's for your own good.

-Hello, Brad.

-Hey.

-Good to see you.

-Nice to see you.

-You too, Hank.

-Brad.

Can't wait to taste

that famous chili of yours.

Oh, look, Lauren, he brought you truffles.

-I know they're your favorite.

-No, they're not.

-Yes, they are.

-No, they're not.

No one can polish off

a box of chocolates like you. Right?

Right.

Well, did you bring the divorce papers too?

You're three weeks late in signing.

Could I talk to you outside

for a minute?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Your mom invited me over.

-Okay, fine, you want me to be honest?

-That'd be a first.

Look, the divorce papers

really scared me.

You know, the finality

of the situation.

I think you made things pretty final

when you slept with our manicurist.

You want your mom to hear?

She's right there.

-What do you want, Brad?

-I just want a little time.

Why? I'm not changing my mind.

I know. I just need

to get used to the idea, that's all.

-Honey, we used to be so good together.

-Back in college, maybe...

-...when I was young and stupid.

-You don't mean that.

-Yes, I do.

-Honey, trust me.

-No one knows you better than I do.

-Brad, could you help me...

-...open this bottle of wine, please?

-Sure thing, Mom.

I'm so happy you understand.

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

So when are you gonna

let me set you up?

Why do married people always

feel the need to convert the singletons?

-Misery loves company.

-Very funny.

What about my cousin Barry?

He's cute.

-He's allergic to sunlight.

-Okay, bad choice.

He's sweet.

He's gay.

Well, no one ever met their

husband in a bar anyway.

-Have you tried SingleAndLooking.com?

-Oh, my God, would you stop?

I am not looking.

This is not part of my plan.

-What plan?

-I need to focus all of my energy...

-...on getting that promotion.

-Oh, please. That's an excuse...

-...to keep yourself unavailable.

-It is not.

As a matter of fact, I met

someone at the wedding today.

-Hello. Dish immediately.

-A fireman.

I love firemen.

Why are they always so hot?

-Oh, God, I think it's that uniform.

-Was he a total himbo?

No, actually, he was so sweet and funny...

...and had the most beautiful smile

I've ever seen.

-He sounds amazing.

-I know.

-He's exactly what I'm looking for.

-Lf you were actually looking.

I know. Great.

-Brad?

-Worse. Barbara, the bridezilla.

-I'll be right back.

-Good luck.

Hello? Barbara, you don't need

to order your invitations this week.

No, your wedding

isn't for three years.

-Oh, God, sorry.

-Sorry.

-Oh, hi, Nick.

-Hey, Lauren, right?

-Yeah.

-I've been thinking about you all day.

-You have?

-Yeah, about your whole list thing.

-You remembered.

-Yes.

-So, what about my list?

-You made a list for everything, right?

Yeah.

Even for the things

you're looking for in a guy?

Yeah, and you know what?

That list is very long.

Yeah, I'm sure that is.

So would tall, dark, semi-charming,

goofy firefighter-type...

-...be anywhere on that list?

-Darling, fetch my drink?

Darla.

-Laura, hey.

-It's Lauren, actually.

Oh, of course. Right. I'm sorry.

-That's okay.

-How do you two know each other?

-Actually, we just met today.

-Yeah.

Isn't that nice?

Well, I'm gonna go

and get back to my friend.

-Why don't you join us.

-You promised you would dance with me.

-Come on.

-That's okay.

-It was nice seeing you both.

-Yeah, you too.

-Where have you been?

-You are never gonna believe this.

The fireman of my dreams is marrying

the client of my nightmares.

-Can we go?

-Yes.

There it was:

James Nicholas Corina.

I understood immediately why Nick

preferred his middle name to his first.

James was way too uptight for a handsome

and free-spirited guy like Nick.

But what does it matter?

Rule number four:

Never get involved with the groom.

Oh, call Jacques. Find out if he

can fly in from Paris to do my hair.

If so, buy a ticket for his poodle.

Before I forget, book me a session in that

hyperbaric oxygen chamber, would you?

Rule number five:

Beware of the psycho bride.

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