I Do (But I Don't) Page #3

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The psycho bride is someone

who's lost touch with reality.

Case in point:
Darla.

Jacques, I'm calling

from Madame T's office.

I need to talk cut and colors.

-What do you think?

-It's stunning.

-You look like a queen.

-Queen Mary, maybe.

-This skirt makes me look like a ship.

-Oui, oui. S.S. Terrible.

Next.

Just so you know, I'm not paid

to think, just to agree.

-Trust me, I understand.

-Oh, honey, the only time...

...I ever hear the word "equal"

is when she wants two in her latte.

Here, doll, you look

like you could use this.

-Thanks.

-Sure.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh! Way too J. Lo.

-Which wedding?

-Who cares?

We know how they all turn out.

Okay, okay, this isn't working. Try again.

-This is nice. It would look good on you.

-That's pretty.

Very young, very flirty.

-I....

-No. No.

No.

Here we are.

Perfection.

No. Stupid.

Look, look, look.

Rule number six is an addendum

to rule number five:

The only thing worse than

the psycho bride is the indecisive bride.

No.

-Nice.

-Doesn't feel right.

No, no.

Okay.

No.

No, forget it.

Oh, yes.

-Oh, my God. That's the one.

-It's absolutely gorgeous.

-Lauren?

-I hated it.

Not because she didn't

look beautiful, but because...

...it was like the dress I wore

at my wedding. I wanted to cry.

But since I'm a professional,

I did the next best thing. I lied.

The dress simply

doesn't do you justice.

Well, I think we have

to have something custom-made then.

After a miserable day with Darla,

I was looking forward...

...to the surprise Bonnie had for me.

Why didn't you tell me

it was the Firemen's Ball?

Because I knew you wouldn't come.

-You're right. Nick is engaged.

-So?

If he represents the fireman's species,

there are bound to be others.

I don't wanna run into him.

You won't. There are so many people here.

What are the odds?

-Nick. Very nice to meet you.

-Bonnie.

-So are you on your own tonight?

-Yes, I am.

Me too.

I love that flower in your hair, the lily.

It's beautiful.

-Thanks. It's my favorite flower.

-I'll have to remember that.

-So how do you know Nicky?

-Oh, we met at a wedding.

-Lauren's a wedding planner.

-What exactly...

...does a wedding planner do?

I don't wanna bore anyone.

Oh, you won't bore anyone.

Tell them about Mr. Cibriani.

-Oh, the dangling groom?

-Yeah.

This guy thought that it would be

a good idea to rappel his way to the altar.

-His bride didn't think so.

-She smacked him.

She wanted

to call the whole thing off.

-You're kidding.

-I told her she'd have to return the presents.

-That all sounds so stressful.

-Please, it's not like saving people's lives.

Well, lives aren't worth saving

without good relationships and celebrations.

Well said. I'll drink to that.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

I couldn't believe it. My ex-husband

couldn't tell people what I did...

...without a patronizing laugh, and here

was a man who not only approved...

...but actually understood.

There was only one tiny, little problem:

He was about to marry someone else.

-That man is seriously into you.

-No, he isn't.

It's a classic case

of groom-panic syndrome.

It's when men freak out over the fact

that they'll only be with one woman...

...for the rest of their lives. Nick would find

a lamppost attractive now.

I doubt that.

Oh, no. I have to go save Robert

from the fire chief's wife.

Okay, go ahead.

-What are you doing?

-Hey.

-What? You don't like my dancing?

-No.

-I don't really wanna dance, thank you.

-Come on, I'm a virtual Fred Astaire here.

I think maybe it's time

you go home, bro.

Oh, come on, don't start with

the good-brother routine. I'm working here.

How about the sober-brother routine?

Fine. The open bar's closed anyway.

-Sorry.

-I can't believe he's your brother.

He's a really good guy.

He just gets out of control sometimes.

He's a little stressed right now.

Sorry.

Maybe we should dance,

you know, for our own safety.

Sure.

-You're not bad at this.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-My mom taught me a thing or two.

She told me that a woman

doesn't want a man with two left feet.

-I think she was talking about my dad.

-Well, your mom's a very wise woman.

-She was. She passed away.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Don't be.

It was a long time ago.

It might help explain

why Jay and I are so different.

Since she wasn't around

when he was growing up...

...he doesn't really understand women.

Although I'm not really sure

that I do either.

-Yeah, well, we are complex creatures.

-Yeah.

I have to go.

What if I have to get in touch with you

about the wedding?

-Darla has my number.

-Why don't we cut out the middleman...

-...and let me take you to lunch tomorrow?

-I can't. I have a wedding at Shadow Peak.

All right, well, then I'll see you there.

You don't take no

for an answer, do you?

No.

This is so wrong.

After a confusing evening, I was

so grateful for the distraction of work.

But unfortunately, that included

babysitting my boss's dog, Snickers.

Determined to keep everything on track,

I focused on my usual routine.

Man of the cloth, check.

Musicians, check.

Flowers, check.

Stay there, Snickers.

Hello? Barbara, if you buy your gown now,

it's gonna be out of style...

...by the time you get married.

Hold on a sec. Hello?

Lauren, we can't find the boutonnieres

for the groomsmen.

Right next to the sign-in book.

Barbara, I have to go. Let's hold out...

...for that Vera Wang sample sale

that I told you about.

Okay, bye.

-What's wrong?

-My dress is ruined!

-What happened?

-The dog did it.

Snickers.

Don't panic.

-Sorry.

-What's the hurry?

I have to catch that dog.

Done.

Snickers, come.

Oh, there we go, there we go. All right.

You go on this side. I'll go the other.

-Is this your dog?

-No, it's my boss's.

She might wanna consider

putting him on Prozac.

She can just loan him some of hers.

He's gone.

There he is.

You go right. I'll go left.

Excuse me, excuse me. Wait.

I got an idea. I got an idea.

Thank you.

-Here, poochie, poochie. Here you go.

-Snickers.

-Snickers?

-Yeah, it's his name. Don't ask.

Here, Snickers.

Would you like a little quiche-y?

Would you like a little quiche, Snickers?

-Okay. Thank you, yes. Okey-dokey.

-Thank you.

No, thank you. We firemen, we rescue

so many kitties, so few doggies.

All right, now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go work miracles.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please be seated.

-Great job.

-Thank you.

I think that we make a pretty darn

good team together, don't you?

You know what? I think these interactions

between us are a little inappropriate.

-Yeah, I agree.

-You do?

Yeah. I think we should be having

these interactions over dinner.

That's not what I meant.

Well, how about it?

I think it would be best to only

talk about wedding-related things.

-Okay.

-Good.

Darla told me you haven't

found a place for the reception.

I have a great place in mind.

Come on. How much more

wedding-related can it get?

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