I Love You to Death

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

How you doing?

It's been two weeks

since my last confession.

I done a lot of bad things in that time.

Didn't go to church, I took the Lord's

name in vain quite a few times.

I cursed my mother-in-law, but it was

in Italian, so she couldn't understand.

- So I don't know if that counts.

- It counts.

Okay. And I cheated on my wife.

- You committed adultery?

- Yes.

How many times?

Five times the last two weeks.

Wait. No, that's wrong.

It was four times this week...

...with three women

and three times last week...

...with two other women. Wow.

Plus, one of the women from this week

was the same as last week...

...or maybe two

of the women was the same.

So I guess that makes...

What? I don't know. Seven times.

I mean, it was more

than seven times, Father.

It was more like 10 or 12 times,

but, you know, it was like...

...on seven different occasions,

only with five different women.

But some of the women more than once.

Some of them quite a few times.

In fact, it's hard to say, Father.

I didn't exactly keep count, but let's say

a dozen times in the last two weeks...

...give or take a few times.

Rosalie!

Joey, I'm still waiting

for those meatballs.

I'll be right with you.

Hey, thanks for stopping by.

Rosalie, Wendel wants another beer.

Excuse me.

You're here?

I thought you was on vacation.

- Got back yesterday.

- How's Martha?

- Terrific.

- Tell her Joey said hello.

I will.

Devo, the meatball, the meatballs.

Come on.

I'll be with you in one minute, folks.

Donna Joy, you're looking

mighty nice in that mini.

Thanks, Joey.

You're looking pretty good yourself.

Yeah, you think? Thanks.

Joey's Pizza.

Hey, Ty, how you doing?

How many?

How soon?

You want pepperoni,

you got pepperoni.

- Devo, take this out.

- Rosalie!

Tulsky's coming by to pick up six pies.

We need more pepperoni. It's in the back.

Joey's Pizza.

Hey, baby, how you doing?

No, no, now's bad.

Now's bad. Very busy.

How about later on?

Later on. Okay?

I gotta hang up. My wife's coming.

Okay, bye. Thanks for calling.

- Be quiet, will you?

- Shut up!

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Mom.

Baba Ganoush.

Devo.

Mystic Crystal, let it shine

Spikes just like a porcupine

- Hello, you two.

- Hi!

This is hot. I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm gonna drop this off.

Okay. I'm gonna go see Dad.

Hi, Daddy.

Who said that?

What? What?

Let me see your picture, Dom.

Oh, that's really good. What is it?

What does it look like?

- It looks like a pizza pie?

- Mom, it's a flower.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you think?

Michelangelo.

Look at that.

Oh, the defenders of justice. Hello.

Cheese it, the cops!

Here, Larry. All set. Sausage and 'rooms,

heavy on the 'rooms.

Thank you, Joey.

- Carlos, what's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Hey, kids, how's it going?

- Okay.

Larry, Larry, Larry.

Look what Dominic did today.

- You ever see anything so beautiful?

- Dominic, that's lovely.

- What is that, a flower?

- No, it's a pizza.

It's pepperoni, I bet.

Yeah, it could be.

I'm not sure. Yeah.

- I love pepperoni.

- Next time.

You always say next time.

I heard you caught that guy

who was robbing all them 7-Elevens.

- You caught that guy?

- Right.

- Picked him up last night.

- Thank God! You're doing a great job.

- Thank you.

- You hear that?

That's how come, in America,

we can live safe.

Because we got cops like

Larry Schooner and Carlos Wiley...

...who make sure everybody does

what he's supposed to do.

Work hard, pay your taxes,

obey the law...

...you can have anything you want.

I want my kids to understand

what a great country we got here.

I think they understand.

Hey, Rosalie, keep your eye on the shop.

I gotta look at Lacey Flynn's plumbing.

- Okay, sweetie.

- Her plumbing?

Devo, when you're done there,

I want you to go around back...

...and clean out the garbage cans.

They're full of maggots.

Maggots.

- That's perfect. I love that man.

- I'll do it with you.

No, please, that's my job,

taking care of maggots.

How you doing?

How you doing?

This is the third time this week

he's gone up to visit Lacey's pipes.

He owns the building.

He has to take care of it.

- See the way she looks at him?

- That's not his fault.

She's lonely. I feel sorry for her.

Don't feel sorry for her.

It's too convenient for Joey.

Hey, you shouldn't talk like that.

It's not right. Joey's my husband.

I don't wanna see you get hurt.

I can take care of myself.

Don't worry about me.

- Who is it?

- It's the pizza man.

- Hello, pizza man.

- Hello. I'm here to check your pipes.

I'm so glad because

water's squirting everywhere.

Think she's pretty?

Yeah, I guess so.

I can see a lot of girls

are crazy for Joey...

...and he has an eye for the ladies too.

That's okay.

He's Italian.

He's allowed to look.

In reality as we know it,

some men do more than look.

You don't trust anyone, Devo.

That's your whole trouble.

I trust you.

Joey would never run around on me.

- Rosalie-

- He never would.

Let me put it this way.

Let's say you had a dream that he did...

...and the dream turned out to be true.

What would you do?

I'd kill myself, and if I didn't

feel any better, I'd kill him. Yeah.

- Joey, stay a little longer.

- I can't. I got a lot of work.

- Maybe you'll come back later?

- Maybe.

Maybe even spend the night?

What are you, crazy?

I can't spend the night.

I got a wife and family.

Joey, you don't love your wife.

Who says so?

Of course I love her.

Just because I make love to you

doesn't mean I don't love her.

What kind of marriage is that?

It's a good marriage.

I buy the food, she cooks it.

- I can cook for you.

- You can't cook for me.

You're not my wife.

You're not even Italian.

Neither is your wife. She's

some kind of Eurasian or something.

No, she's not from there. She's-

Her mother's from Yugoslavia.

It's a good Catholic country.

Right next to Italy.

In fact, it used to be part of Italy.

I think.

Joey, this isn't Italy. This is America.

Hey, America was discovered by one

Italian, and it's named after another.

So what? What does that prove?

It proves that America

is an Italian country. I gotta go.

Joey, if you're such a good Catholic,

why do you commit adultery?

I'm a man.

I got a lot of hormones in my body.

He jumped so high, high, high

He hit the sky, sky, sky

And didn't come back, back, back

Till the Fourth of July, ly, ly

Okay, here we go again.

Last time. One, two, three.

Miss Mary Mac, Mac, Mac

All dressed in black, black, black

With silver buttons, buttons, buttons

All down her back, back, back

She asked her mother, mother, mother

For 50 cents, cents, cents

To watch the elephants, elephants

Jump over the fence, fence, fence

They jumped so high, high, high

They hit the sky, sky, sky

And didn't come back, back, back

Till the Fourth of July, ly, ly

Then they got worried, worried, worried

And went to Hong Kong, Kong, Kong

To see the King Kong, Kong, Kong

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes