Isn't She Great Page #2

take a seat over here?

Panel, the clock is ticking.

Audience?

ALL:

What's my job?

Professor?

Do you provide a valuable service?

Yes, I do.

Bambi?

I'm appearing in It Came From

Beneath the World, where I play

a beautiful archaeologist.

Are you a beautiful archaeologist?

No.

Suzanne?

In your job, do you wear a uniform?

Yes, I do.

Good question.

In It Came From Beneath the World, so do I!

Are you an actress? No. BUZZER SOUNDS

She's not an actress!

Are you?

Excuse me?

Isn't she great?

Do you work for the government? No.

BUZZER SOUNDS:

In my next movie, Creature From

Beyond, I play a beautiful teacher.

What do you teach?

Students.

Are you a teacher? No.

BUZZER SOUNDS:

Are you a brunette?

You know, I'm a big movie star,

and I've never even heard of you.

Have you ever heard of her?

Time's running out. Do you do

repair work? No. BUZZER SOUNDS

Are you an astronaut? No.

Are you an idiot? Brad!

Whoa! Time's up. I'm sorry. Leslie.

I'm an optometrist.

Oh, ho, me too.

I always look on the bright side.

How could you find the bright side?

And now a word from Ever-grip.

The denture adhesive that won't let go.

Congratulations, Leslie.

You go home with 25!

I hope you enjoyed playing

What's My Job!

They canned me?

How could they can me

after only one show?

They didn't can you. They requested you

not to come back, ever. They loved you.

If they loved me, why can't I

come back? They loved you too much.

You're too special.

Should I be less special? Oh, God!

What do they want? They want you.

They just don't know it yet.

When will they know? When are they

gonna get with it? I'm almost 30.

Right(!)

F*** you! But you look great.

Like a teenager.

A sophisticated teenager.

Oh, but Irving, I got fired. Again.

And now I'm going home

to my studio apartment,

to brown walls and a Murphy bed.

So, leave. Don't go in there.

Where should I go?

To my place.

No. To our place.

Wait.

Cashmere and wool, 60/40, imported.

What are you doing?

I don't believe this.

Marry me.

Oh!

Marriage?

Oh, Irving,

that's a...that's a big decision.

The biggest. The clincher.

Well, before I...

Before I say yes, before I sign on,

there's somebody I want to talk to.

Who?

See, I don't trust psychiatrists.

They nap. I had this great psychic.

She did my chart. She got deported.

Now how come

she didn't see that coming? Right.

So now whenever I need to talk

I come here.

To him.

Him?

Him, him.

Oh, Him. Right. Gotcha.

Go ahead, say something.

How are ya?

Kudos on the weather,

the whole week, gorgeous.

It's me, Jackie. Did you see

What's My Job this morning?

Was that the best you could do?

OK, I'm sorry. I know.

People are starving and dying.

You have other things on your mind.

But, listen!

This man, this person, this...

this publicist wants to marry me.

Irv Mansfield.

He's a good man. He's a kind man.

Very well dressed.

In fact, I don't, I don't even know

if I'm worthy of such a man.

Oh, Jackie.

Sit tight. What?

Could I?

Be my guest.

This...this angel,

this Jackie,

this stunning,

multi-gifted woman.

You do wonderful work.

Some people don't understand her.

They don't get it. But they will.

I'll make them.

I'll force them because...

I love her so much.

And I think I can get her

a TV commercial.

God wants to know what kind of

a TV commercial. Network, national.

God says yes!

Isn't she great?

'Then came the happiest day

of my life.

'We rushed down to City Hall,

and I kept my word.'

This way, boys!

Oh! Hello, boys!

'We had full press coverage.

All seven dailies.'

Back, please. Do your stuff, honey.

And I got her that commercial.

Why, hello. I'm Jacqueline Susann, and

when I'm not appearing on stage or screen,

you'll find me right here surrounded

by everything I love best,

home, family and Schiffli embroidery.

Look at Josephine. Oh, my God!

She looks fabulous.

A star is born.

For special occasions.

And everyday...

Ohhh! Choreography!

..with Schiffli.

DOG BARKS:

BOTH:
Ahhh...

Honey, bravo! You were incredible.

You made me wanna sew.

TV:
'..announced that the chances

of nuclear war are only 30%.'

Irving, we have to talk.

And now you're in every home in

America, like Corn Flakes! Like beer!

And it's just the beginning.

Settle down.

What? I got something to tell ya.

Big news.

Bigger than Schiffli?

The biggest.

Ready?

Ready.

Everybody! Your attention, please.

A major headline, a breaking story.

Miss Jacqueline Susann, star of stage,

screen, and Schiffli embroidery,

has something to tell you.

An exclusive.

Well,

in just about seven months,

Irving and I are having...

a blessed event.

A brand-new, human life!

More me!

Oh, ho! Thanks!

'And then, our precious son

was born.

'He was special...but different.

'We did the best we could.

But, finally,

'we had to make

a terrible decision.'

You'll find that it's a fine institution.

The child will receive excellent care.

Guy. His name is Guy. He has a name.

Guy. Yes.

We specialise in long-term care

for the retarded. He's not retarded!

That's not the right word.

That's not Guy.

No, of course not.

As I was going to say,

Pembroke also specialises

in cases of severe autism.

Now this is

the only practical solution.

And we could come up there

to see him, whenever we want?

Absolutely. Every week.

I'm sorry.

DOORBELL RINGS:

DOG BARKS:

All right, what's going on?

Why hasn't she returned my calls?

Flo, I'm sorry.

It's been months. Where is she?

She's not ready.

She's not ready?

She's not ready for compassion?

For sensitivity?

She's not ready for the best

friend she's ever had? Soon.

Now.

I am making a personal appearance.

Flo, don't!

Jacqueline.

Go away.

Get out. It's me. It's Florence

Maybelle. It's Flo. I recognise you.

I heard about Guy.

What did you hear? Guy's fine.

He's recuperating outta town.

He has asthma. Jackie?

I've got the papers.

Variety. Backstage.

Who cares?

Jackie!

Flo, can I get you something?

Coffee? Gin?

Later. Listen to me, both of you.

I, too, have a child.

A child I never see.

Why not?

I don't want to. Oh, sweetheart,

you can't spend the rest of

your life in bed. Why not?

What should I get up for, except

my son? But you see Guy once a week.

You've gotta think

about your career.

Career. What career? It'll

never happen for me.

Sweetheart, things are gonna turn

around any day now, any second.

It's just the business peaks

and valleys.

A year ago, Sinatra was garbage, over.

Today, he's Vegas. He's headlining.

It can happen to you. Talent isn't

everything. When's it gonna happen?

When's the world gonna open its arms

and say "Jackie Susann, we love ya"?

Jackie, I love you.

And I love you.

I know, and I appreciate it. I do.

But you're just two people.

That's just a start.

I need more. I do.

I need...mass love.

Mass love?

# Mass love

# Mass love... #

Oh, hi.

Afternoon, Mr Mansfield.

Oh, afternoon, Danny.

Come on, come on, Josie.

Eat a little something. For me.

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