Isn't She Great Page #4

Here's the deal, I keep going.

But you start helping!

I can't do everything myself!

Come on! Get on the phone!

Now!

Make...me...famous!

Morning, Stacey.

Hi.

Morning.

What do you got for me, anything?

Oh, just these here.

No, no, and no.

Morning.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, kids. Where's the fire? Ha.

I love saying that.

Henry,

I forbid you to acquire this book.

This is trash. This is...

illiterate garbage.

Don't be so prissy.

It's unreadable!

Valley of the Dolls

sounds like a children's book.

No, no, no. Henry, dolls are pills.

Uppers, downers.

A very cool children's book.

It's salacious perverted

soft-core porn.

Can we put that on the cover?

I think it's exciting, and not

just 'cause it upsets Michael,

although that's a very good sign.

Excuse me?

Henry, I am telling you,

this book is on to something.

Something something totally new.

I dig new.

The author can't write! That's new.

That's fresh. Nobody's done that.

That's appalling.

Debbie, can you defend this sewage

as literature? Of course not.

But I couldn't put it down.

The woman who wrote this knows

what she's talking about.

It was like...overhearing

a conversation in the ladies' room.

It's like gossip, chocolate

covered cherries, it's...it's sexy.

It's bad for you but

you can't stop.

It's chocolate covered crap!

I can come back.

Oh, wait! Mrs Ramirez. Darling.

Would you read a book about

the disgusting, desperate lives

of drug-addicted

sex crazed movie stars?

Henry, she's the cleaning lady.

She knows trash.

You mean, that thing on your desk,

the Valley of the Pigs?

Dolls.

I read it last night

while I was vacuuming. Those women,

in that book, they are animals!

All they do is jump after men

and take those drugs

and go straight to hell!

If they were my daughters, I would

kill them myself, with my bare hands.

Thank you. So, you hated it.

It is the finest book

I have ever read.

I'm buying it.

Jackie, wait. I've got big news!

For Christ's sake.

She's going to surgery. One minute.

I got something important to say.

Save it, till I'm out of here.

Till I'm wearing something decent.

I'll get one of those bathing suits.

They have a bikini. You should see

me in a bikini. You'd lose control.

Honey, you've gotta listen to me.

We're in. They bit. Who bit what?

Henry Marcus. The book.

Oh, God, Irving, stop joking.

They've got an editor.

They want you to meet with him.

Hold it. An editor?

As soon as you're feeling better.

Did you tell them?

I told them we'd be out of

the country for awhile. I told them

you look great in a bikini.

Oh.

You did?

Jackie, they said yes.

Someone said yes.

Susann?

9A.

Thank you.

JOSIE BARKS:

Who the hell's that?

Irving, get the door.

Coming!

Yes? I'm Michael Hastings,

the editor from Henry Marcus.

I've an appointment with Jackie.

Mike!

Jackie, it's Mike! Come on in.

Take a load off.

Well, welcome to the family!

I was ordering breakfast. What can

I get you? Breakfast? It's 11am.

Early riser? I'm supposed to

get editing this manuscript.

Oh, like a rooster. Nature boy.

I'm back. Yeah.

We'll need another breakfast

platter, celery tonic, some lox.

Oh, you need lox. Protein. LOX?!

JOSIE BARKS:

That's Josie. Josie, be nice. She'll help

us with the editing. She's a smart dog.

What the hell's wrong with you? It's dawn,

for crying out loud. Miss Susann.

I'm Michael Hastings, your editor.

We have a lot of work to do.

I have a great many

comprehensive notes.

"Notes"? What do you mean, "notes"?

For changes, for your book.

Changes? Like spelling?

IRVING LAUGHS:

Your manuscript at present

is nigh onto incoherent.

And that's bad? Yes.

IRVING LAUGHS:

Well, Mr Picky.

Buster, you just hold on.

Where's she going? Isn't she great?

She's so excited. DOORBELL RINGS

She's never been edited before.

Flo, you're back.

They fired me.

They fired you?

From goddamn Ozzie and Harriet.

Who are you? FBI?

Flo, Michael. Michael, Flo.

Flo?!

Jackie!

So, you wanted changes?

How's this for editing?

They fired me.

They fired ya?

From Ozzie and Harriet. America's

favourite wholesome TV family.

They're cocksuckers.

All of 'em.

MICHAEL GASPS:

Ozzie? Shh.

This outfit's wrong. Too subtle.

Hi.

I was playing

Harriet's beloved Aunt Hilda.

A sweet simple midwestern farm

woman come to visit. Mr Mansfield?

Can you break a twenty? Huh?

Nah.

God, I would have been marvellous.

I entered and said, "Harriet, darling,

I'm here. I have brought farm fresh eggs."

DOORBELL RINGS:

I'll get it.

Hey, Irv.

Sheila!

What did you want today? French manicure?

What about the toes? What about the toes?

Tell her to start with Josie.

Josie, come on, manicure!

They want it a different way.

I have no ego, you know.

Let's take a look at you.

We have to begin.

She's very high strung.

We have to begin.

Ozzie, he's staring at me.

He said, "Could you be

a little more wholesome?

"You're a simple farm woman,

bringing fresh eggs."

I said, "What do you want me to do?

Lay them?! SHE LAUGHS

So, do I look like an author?

Miss Susann, it really doesn't

matter what you wear.

See, he's editing me.

This is unacceptable. I know. Hang

in there. Lox is on the way. Lox?!

And then, these two adorable

teenagers come in.

David and Ricky.

Their little crew cuts

and their dungarees.

David wanted me.

I could tell. Ooh!

He was huge!

What?!

Match me? DOORBELL RINGS

Coming. Oh, boy.

Irv, breakfast time!

Claude, how are ya?

You got cold cuts, bagels, coffee,

lox, celery tonic and bran muffins.

You gotta have bran. Cleans you out.

And then Ozzie, he comes back in

and suddenly they're all lined up, all

staring at me, the entire Nelson family,

in their cardigans, and their Rosie

cheeks and gleaming white teeth.

And I just gazed at them.

And I said,

"I am your wholesome Aunt Hilda and

I have brought farm fresh eggs.

"Heil Hitler!"

They fired you?

Mmm. Well?

Better?

Wow.

Bestselling?

Ah, that's the one. That's the one.

Mr Mansfield?

We have a deadline.

We need to work in an

atmosphere of absolute quiet.

I couldn't agree more.

And I know just the spot.

If I could walk that way, I wouldn't

need the talcum powder. Herbie!

You got hungry? Yeah.

Lover boy! Sweetheart.

Who's this?

My editor. I take him everywhere.

Two adults. And one gentile.

ALL LAUGH:

Jackie!

Irving, you son of a gun!

Jackie! Sylvia!

You look gorgeous! You're different!

Hey, vice squad!

Great sports jacket.

It's a Fabiani, hand stitched,

hand rolled, virgin alpaca.

And it's gonna stay that way.

I'm starving! I could eat a horse.

You probably will.

So, what specials?

It's all special, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Miss Susann, Mr Mansfield.

Jackie. And Irving.

This is not exactly the kind of

working atmosphere I had in mind.

Look at him. Look at you.

What? Just tell me. What do you

call that thing you're wearing?

It's a navy blue suit.

It's from Brooks Brothers.

Brooks Brothers.

It's an American classic.

It's a shroud. I can't look.

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