Isn't She Great Page #5

It's hurting my creative juices.

I'm having a blockage.

Irving, quick. Give him your jacket.

What?

What?! People are staring.

They're saying, "What are Irving

and Jackie doing with this stiff."

They think it's a tax audit.

Give him your jacket.

Jackie.

Please!

I'm absolutely not going to wear

Irving's jacket.

Thank God!

Now I can breathe again. I'm open.

Darling, if you're happy, I'm happy.

Brisket for the beautiful lady.

Veal for the gent.

Thanks, Max.

And one American cheese sandwich.

Thank you. Do you have

any mayonnaise? Mayonnaise?

Hellman's.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Don't get anything on it.

No gestures.

Cheese sandwich. Where were

you raised? In a f***ing igloo?

Miss Susann, Mr Mansfield?

It's Jackie. And Irving.

Your manuscript requires

an overwhelming amount of work.

I agree. Like worldwide advertising.

We've got lots of ideas, a campaign.

The dust jacket's

gonna be my picture.

I can do this look. Or this.

How about this?

Do the other one.

That's my girl.

What about the first printing?

I say one million, easy.

I love radio. But TV,

that's where they'll eat me up.

We want all the morning shows

and Carson. How about a limo?

We could use our own car.

Do you pay for gas, tolls? HE GASPS

Excuse me! Pardon me!

You're a first-time novelist!

With a book which remains

virtually unreadable!

I have been assigned to edit

this miasma!

When I arrive I'm treated to a

variety night circus with a dog act,

and then this

delicatessen smooze fest!

If this book is to be published

at all, we need a place to work.

Am I understood?

"Miasma"?

Florida?

This is some schlep.

Where are you taking us, Iowa?

It's Connecticut.

Connecticut?

This is Connecticut?

Nice, if you're a cow.

So, who lives here?

Thomas Jefferson?

My family. They got slaves?

BOTH LAUGH:

Ooh, who's that?

That is my mother.

She gave birth?

Mother.

Hello, dear.

Thank you so much for

letting us use the house.

I promise you, you won't even

know we're here. Of course.

Mother, this is Irving Mansfield.

Some spread. You did good.

Do you rent?

And this is Jacqueline Susann.

Pleased to meet you. Hello.

What's your name, darling?

My given name is Alicia Carlisle

Pewter. But everyone calls me Lissy.

No, come on.

Come on, really.

Really.

And this is our guest room.

I do hope you'll be comfortable.

Oh, it's, it's nice.

It's very...clean.

I love the proportions, the light.

You could do a lot with this room.

We have.

Josie.

Good luck. Keep it dirty.

Bye, sweetheart. Pee for mommy.

Jackie!

I was talking to Irving.

It's a joke.

Of course. Well. All right.

Finally, we can begin our task.

Let's get going.

Let's start

with the first paragraph.

First paragraph?

Second sentence.

This phrase, "New York was steaming,

an angry, concrete animal."

Don't you love that?

No, it doesn't make any sense.

What is an angry concrete animal?

New York.

New York's a city.

Not in the summer.

I remember when I first came to town,

I was just a kid, but oh, my God,

it hit me the noise, buildings, the

crowds. I'll set the scene for ya.

There's a garbage strike. So,

it stinks. There's a subway strike.

You can't get to work. Construction

everywhere. Jackhammers... Brrrrr!

Chippendale! ..are driving people

to the brink of madness.

It's so hot, the sidewalks are

buckling, rising up like Godzilla.

So the town's sweaty

and ferocious.

It's like "Watch out! Let me through!

Out of my way, you moron!

"Move it! Out of my way, I'm an

angry, concrete animal!" Get it?

But it's an absurd phrase.

It's poetry.

It's terrible writing.

That's what poetry is.

Jackie. Next.

All right, this section,

where Neely O'Hara's a big star.

She comes home to find her

husband... Ted Casablanca. Yeah.

And he's in her Beverly Hills pool,

with another younger starlet.

In her pool that she paid for.

Yeah.

Ted says he had to look elsewhere

for sex 'cause Neely's always so tired.

Because she's working on a picture!

So she's always doped up.

That's real life.

Here's my problem.

She says, "You're nuts.

I catch you red-handed

and you stand there with your

dingle blowing in the breeze

with a naked broad

and you sermonise with me."

Isn't that great?

Can you picture it? It's so coarse!

"Dingle blowing in the breeze"?

Neely's an ex-chorus girl.

That's how she talks.

But...dingle?

Yeah.

Dingle, dingle, dingle.

Stop that. Dingle.

Haven't you got one?

No, I don't have a dingle.

What do they call it around here,

a butter churn?

Next.

Let's discuss Jennifer.

She's 17. She's blonde.

She's stunning. You love her?

It's all about the tits. Yes.

After boarding school she runs off

with Maria the Spanish heiress.

Right, the dyke. Ooh, radishes?

And they do nothing but have

wild lesbian sex. They're young.

You can't say that.

Why not? Mimsy.

Mimsy? Is that a code?

Jackie, this is my grandmother,

Mimsy. And my Great Aunt Abigail.

Are you the author?

Yes, hello.

We're in the middle of editing.

One sec. Let me ask you something.

When you were in high school, did some of

the girls get crushes on the other girls?

Let me see. At Miss Porter's?

Of course they didn't!

You can't put it in a book.

I remember, Emily Winthrop.

Oh, yes.

Oh, Emily Winthrop.

She was a year behind me.

She was lovely.

Tall, high breasted,

what a collar bone.

And you liked her.

Mmm, very much.

You can tell me everything.

Oh, no! We're gonna be late!

Bye, kids. And what do we tell

Mom and Dad we want for Christmas?

ALL:

Valley of the Dolls.

It's better than milk.

I don't understand. Yes.

Tony Polar. Tony Po...

Ton... Adele!

Adele!

Thank you.

So, Tony Polar is

a rich successful singer.

But you say he has a dark secret.

The darkest.

He had scarlet fever as a

baby and ever since then

he's had the mental abilities

of a 7 year old. Mm-hm.

And no-one notices?

That's right.

Are you saying that, if a man

is sexy and good in bed,

no woman is going to

care that he's an idiot?

I certainly wouldn't.

Absolutely not.

Grow up.

Michael?

Father?

I've just finished this manuscript.

This immoral, brazen journey into the

unspeakable hell of modern show business.

And?

I am Lyon Burke.

Baby!

KNOCK ON DOOR:

Jackie? Irving has the car...

Oh!

What are you doing?

Getting the luggage.

Irving's got the car out front.

Irving can get the luggage.

All those pills, Jackie.

I mean, they...

They're for Irving. He has a vitamin

deficiency, he needs niacin and B12.

They weren't vitamins.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Do I go through your room and ask

you a lot of stupid questions?

Who the hell do you

think you are?

Jackie, I didn't know you were sick.

I'm not sick.

I'm not sick!

Sick people are losers.

Sick people get nothing!

Do you think that anybody's gonna buy a

sexy book written by someone with cancer?

That's not the point. That's

the only point. Are you my friend?

Your friend?

You're a tight ass, and you're a

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