It's a Disaster Page #3

I don't know. I really know how to pick 'em.

Are you saying it's me?

- No, no. - What was crazy

about him? How was he crazy?

Perfect example.

I needed some mouthwash.

So I'm at his apartment, and

I open the medicine cabinet,

And there are giant glass jars of

nail clippings and human hair.

- Ew!

- Wait, that's not crazy.

His or someone else's?

Does it even matter?

Well, I asked him about it, and he said,

"I don't know. That's just how I was raised."

- Well, that makes sense.

- No, that's not right.

Wait. Whoa! Whoa! He doesn't

know any difference.

It's disgusting. Why were you looking

for mouthwash at his apartment?

Oh, we just went right

over that part, didn't we?

Because I am a lady, and I

like to have fresh breath.

What?

It's just... all right.

PETE:
Do you have picture?

BUCK:
Nope. Not yet.

Hey, who's, uh... who's this other

guy in the picture with Tracy?

That's, uh...

Brent?

No, that's roger.

Uh, that is roger.

Yeah.

Yeah. He was a good guy.

I liked him.

BUCK:
He was cool.

SHANE:
Yeah, that was short-lived though.

Hey, guys, I don't mean to freak your minds

out, but I have $65 riding on the game today.

(PETE WHISTLES) Hey, uh, Glenn.

No need to tell the ladies

that, all right?

Yeah. Right.

SHANE:

Pete, your internet's out too.

What? Yeah, well,

one thing at a time.

Uh, Pete, how long

y'all been married?

Eight years.

Lexi and I actually met

at their wedding.

She was a bridesmaid,

and I was in the band.

And he was told not once but

twice by the wedding planner...

To stop fraternizing

with the guests. Yeah.

And rules are made

to be broken, dude.

If I hadn't broken your stupid

rules, where would I be today?

Probably someplace where

the internet's working.

And how long have you

and Lexi been married?

Eight years.

But I thought you said...

but you met at the...

Sang on a Saturday, sexed on

a Sunday, married on Monday.

It's true.

Dude, look, when I met Lexi,

I knew that she was the one and

that it would be perfect together.

And we didn't give a sh*t

what our parents or sponsors...

Or anybody else

had to say about it.

We marched on down to city hall

and we laid it to rest.

That's great. Congratulations.

She seems like a great gal.

Then we went to a T.G.I.F.

Fridays, got wasted,

Consummated in the bathroom.

Yeah.

There... that...

that place is fun.

How long have you

and Hedy been...

I, uh...

Oh, uh, no, we're not married, uh, yet.

We're engaged.

Oh, great, great, great.

How long you been engaged?

Uh, six years.

You've been engaged

for six years?

Yeah. Just 'cause

two people get engaged...

Doesn't mean they have to

get married right away.

- No, no. Of course... - And there's

no need to succumb to pressures...

- Just 'cause society says you should.

- Totally agree with...

I think that you should set the

date when the time is right.

You know, when both people

are secure in their careers...

And can afford a nice home and,

uh, you want to start a family.

Yeah, and cars can fly.

What was that?

Huh?

I think, uh...

I think Hedy's getting pretty

close to setting a date.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Oh, you're the one

who's... oh.

Oh, I mean, it's not you.

It's... what I meant...

Well, you know how, uh, traditionally,

the... the... (STAMMERING)

Uh, hey, where is the... yeah.

Restroom.

Oh, sure. Sure. It's

upstairs to the left.

Upstairs to the left.

To the left.

What's traditional?

Hey, don't forget to jiggle the handle.

It'll just keep running.

You should just maybe change the channel.

Maybe it's just the one station.

No, I really tried everything.

Uh, did somebody forget to pay

the cable bill this month?

It's not that. We have the

whole bundle, package thing.

Internet, TV, land line.

(BEEPING)

Who still has a land line?

- It's for faxing.

- Who still faxes?

The guy who owns this TV

still faxes.

Got nothing here. That

makes sense, yeah.

(BEEPING CONTINUES) Are

you f***ing kidding me?

Huh.

(HANDSET SETTLES IN CRADLE)

LEXI:
We're walking out of the place,

And this guy comes up to us, and

he's, like, "do you want some blow?"

As if he had heard us talking about it

inside! Like an angel or something.

No, I think they're called drug dealers.

(LAUGHS)

So we gave him some dough, and he

hooked us up with some primo sh*t.

We hung out with the white

lady till, like, 7:30.

Wait. When was this?

Last night.

- Are you kidding?

- No.

- Did you sleep?

- No. I'll sleep when I'm...

Well, you're gonna sleep

when you're dead.

How many times do we have to tell

you how bad cocaine is for you?

All your little angels

shot down.

You'd think I'd stop telling my drug

stories to doctors and chemistry teachers.

Yeah, you'd think,

but you still do it.

And if you want to sing, it's gonna

f*** up your whole nasal cavity.

Really? You didn't

pay the bills?

- What are you talking about? - You knew you

were moving out so you didn't pay the bills.

- What?

- What?

I paid the bills like I

pay them every month...

Because you're

too lazy to do it.

Well, then why is our internet,

cable and land line out?

- Who has a land line?

- It's for faxing.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Do you honestly think that I

am so childish that, what,

I would purposely sabotage

your new bachelor pad? Yeah.

I think you'd think

it's hilarious.

I bet you didn't pay the electric bill

because you thought it would be funny...

If I bumped into sh*t

in the dark.

I paid the goddamn

electric bill.

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(CHUCKLES)

- I had nothing to do with this.

- Of course not.

Hey, bro, I think your power's out.

Yeah, you f***ing think?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- They're fighting.

The electric company? Don't waste

your time, man. It's not worth it.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Whoa, wait.

Emma's moving out?

That's what she said.

Why?

- Well, ask her.

- Why?

- I never said I was moving out.

- I did.

So you're moving out? No, I

said that Emma's moving out.

(TOGETHER) Why?

Because we're

getting a divorce!

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

I thought you wanted to wait

until the end of brunch.

Well, I guess someone let the

cat out of the f***ing bag...

When he revealed

I was moving out.

So you really didn't pay the electric bill?

No, I paid the f***ing bill!

You guys know

the power's out, right?

Yes!

(TOGETHER) We know!

Did I miss something? Pete and

Emma are getting a divorce.

Really? Why?

Okay. You know what?

This is not how this was

supposed to go down. Yeah.

We wanted to wait until the

end of brunch to tell you,

But we've just decided

that it's what's right.

That's really vague.

EMMA:
Well, it's complicated, Lexi.

Marriage is complicated.

You know that.

So it's a mutual thing.

PETE:
Yeah.

It's not like one of us caught the

other one cheating or anything.

This isn't happening. No,

you're not getting a divorce.

No, you'll still see us,

okay? Just not together.

Well, you know, maybe physically

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