It's a Disaster Page #5

Hedy!

Oh.

- How long have you known?

- I don't know. A couple of months.

A couple of months? Yeah. Well,

divorce is complicated...

And it takes a lot of research.

You have to be legally separated. You

have to fill out all these forms.

There's just... there's a lot

of bureaucratic bullshit.

- So then you knew when we had our...

- Yes, of course I did.

Nah. That's cool.

Holy crap.

Are you disappointed?

- You're disappointed.

- Eh.

What? You get, like, more

philandering points or something...

If the woman's happily married?

It's not that.

It's just less of a challenge.

It's like when you're bowling and

they put the things in the gutter.

You're unbelievable.

Shane.

- Hey.

- I think you need to go and help Hedy out.

With what?

She's in shock.

We're all in shock, Tracy.

No, no, no.

Like shock shock.

Like real shock.

Okay. I'll be there

in a minute.

Look, we need to talk.

Wait. What? Why?

I don't know if your apathetic attitude

is some sort of coping mechanism...

Due to the stress at hand,

which is fine.

Dude, no stress.

None of this sh*t is real.

Is anyone infected?

Infected with what?

With whatever's out there.

But we don't know

what's out there.

And that's exactly

what's scaring me.

I mean, how many times

have you seen on the news...

That someone thought, like, a

weather balloon was a U.F.O...

Or a bear

was a giant sasquatch?

Just because the media reports

something... (CAN RATTLING)

Doesn't make it true.

Don't even get me started on

the supposed "moon landing".

Have you seen any

bite marks, scrapes?

No?

Uh...

All right, well, just... if you see

anyone acting weird, you let me know.

Weirder than you're

acting right now?

We might have to make

some tough decisions.

Okay. I'm gonna go

check on Hedy.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

God! I don't even know

what we're looking for!

Duck tape.

Duct tape.

That's what I said.

Oh, yeah?

Say it again.

Duck tape.

Duct.

Duct tape.

With a "t".

It's for sealing ducts.

You just blew my mind.

Maybe you're right. Maybe this is a hoax.

I hope it's a hoax.

But the wise thing to do is let's get a

radio, find out for sure. All right?

Whatever floats your boat.

Well, that floats my boat.

Okay. Well, I can't remember the last

time I bought a radio, except for my car.

Ohh.

Hey, uh, where are

your car keys?

Huh?

Your keys.

- Where you goin', Glenn?

- Nowhere. I just need your keys.

They're sit...

flamingo key chain.

Well, there's...

there's two here.

It's the bluish one.

Emma and I used to...

There's blue on both of these.

But this is hilarious. Em and

I used to have this thing...

Where we'd stop by every photo

booth and get pictures of...

(LAUGHS) There's...

(SIRENS CONTINUE)

(EXHALES)

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

I, uh, saw you

talking to Glenn.

Yeah.

What do we know about that guy?

He's a teacher.

He likes scotch.

- Can he be trusted?

- With my car keys?

When the sh*t goes down.

The sh*t.

Pete, things are gonna

degrade very quickly.

The rules of society

are gonna break down,

And your life is gonna be in the

hands of the people you can trust.

Okay.

Do you have any weapons?

- Weapons?

- Guns, mace, crossbows.

Uh...

Actually, I have some

Chinese throwing stars...

That my uncle

brought back from Dallas.

Yeah?

Pretty sharp, so...

Oh, these are nice.

(METALLIC RINGING)

All right.

Let's just keep this

between us.

Okay.

(SQUEALING) Oh!

Hi, Glenn.

(SIGHS)

Are we going somewhere? No.

You know, I lost my virginity in a Saab.

(SEAT BELT BUCKLES)

This isn't a Saab.

Just making conversation.

Where'd you lose

your virginity, Glenn?

( POP)

- Oh, I love this song.

I need to get out

and find the love of my life

How do you make it

go to the radio?

Things can get so good Lexi.

(BEEPING)

"no user is connected"?

What...

Must be a satellite subscription.

Satellite?

Satellite radio. 200 commercial-free

channels for 15 bucks a month.

There's this new Agey one

I really like.

It's called the Chakra.

Oh, Glenn, where are you going?

Should I take off my belt?

(BEEPS)

Things can get so good...

(CAR ALARMS

BLARING IN DISTANCE)

(CAR ALARMS BLARING)

We should go camping

soon, dude.

We haven't been camping

together in years.

I'm gonna organize it.

I'll set it up.

Cool.

(SIGHS)

I don't see anything.

Radiation's usually invisible.

No, no.

People.

I don't see anyone.

(EXHALES)

I don't even see dogs.

What kind of neighborhood

doesn't have dogs?

Dogs don't usually roam

around neighborhoods...

Unless they're with people.

But squirrels... I'm not

seeing any squirrels.

I don't know.

I don't know, Shane.

Hey, where did you find those?

In a shoe box

underneath the bed.

Oh.

Oh.

So, what do you want to do...

cut each strip in half?

Two pictures each?

(SIGHS)

No. You can keep them.

You don't have a subscription

to your satellite radio?

Yeah, we do.

No. I let it lapse.

You did?

Yeah.

I've just been listening

to my iPod and podcasting.

- You only have satellite radio?

- Yeah. Paid extra for it.

You paid extra

for less features?

That guy at stereo town

totally swindled me.

Told you not to go

to stereo town.

- It's close.

- You went to stereo town?

How long would it take for a

full-blown mutation to occur?

A mutation of what?

- Human beings.

- Never.

No, um... no, no.

Mutation.

Mutation mutation.

Okay, now you're just

repeating the same word.

Nuclear mutation.

Assuming the debris

was radioactive,

Exposure to the fallout would

only cause D.N.A. Mutations...

In inherited genes,

So only children of those

exposed would be affected.

In which case, the deformities

would be horrific.

But, no, they wouldn't

be mutants.

I don't think you understand

what I'm asking.

I'll just explain it later.

GLENN:
You just have a

choice between more genres.

No, but I get...

hey, duct tape.

Did you say duct tape

or duck tape?

What? Duct tape.

With a "t"?

Yeah.

Holy sh*t.

Am I the only person

that doesn't know this?

Everyone focus up here,

all right?

No dice on the radio.

So I think we should seal up

all the cracks in the house.

No outside air

should get in at all.

Right, Hedy?

Well, there's only one roll.

One-man job, so...

Uh, oh. I'll...

I'll do it.

Good man, Glennzo.

- We should close up all the air vents too.

- I was just about to say that.

Buck, you mind taking care of that?

You're the tallest.

I'm on it, boss.

LEXI:
Guess what?

Everyone, I have a surprise.

Come with me.

(FOOTSTEPS TRAMPLING

ON STAIRS)

No, guys, I'm actually serious.

I found something. Come on.

Right here.

Hey, focus.

Okay, all right.

Close your eyes.

No.

Close your eyes.

Come on, come on.

No peeking.

Nope.

Are you ready? Yes. Yep.

Drumroll, please!

No!

Ta-da!

- Oh, my god. I forgot about that.

- A monkey?

- No, no. It's a radio.

- I just... it hit me.

I remembered singing in the shower

here to "Louie Louie" once.

- Nice sense memory.

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