It's a Disaster Page #7

the over on that one.

I mean, literally, how many times

have we been in this position?

You locked in someplace,

Me leaning against the door

trying to get you to let me in.

If I had a nickel.

Right?

(MOTOR WHIRS)

Pete, there's something

I need to tell you.

What?

I...

(GASPS, COUGHS)

Ooh. Hey! Hey.

Is it cool

if I finish this off?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. Oh,

one more thing.

Um, it's not radiation.

It's a chemical weapon.

And Hedy's pretty sure we're all

gonna be dead in a few hours.

Just F.Y.I.

What did she just say?

(FLOORBOARDS CREAK)

Hey there, stranger.

Oh. Hey, Lexi.

Um, if you don't mind,

I just wanted to, uh,

Get a little alone time,

if that's okay.

Well, Glenn,

if wishes were horses,

It'd be Christmas every day.

(SIGHS) Hedy's right.

We should probably live these last

few moments on earth to the fullest.

Am I right?

So you believe her now?

Well, either way,

I say we get nuts.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi.

What's going on in here? I was

just doing some stretching.

I was leaving. I was taking off.

No, no, no. Glenn, stay.

No, no. You probably want to be alone.

No, no. I insist.

All right, I was...

have a seat, buddy.

I... okay. I'd just come in

for a little alone time.

Thanks, honey. Oh, a little

alone time with Lexi?

Lexi just walked in.

She just came in.

I was in here

trying to clear my head.

What is Tracy up to? What's

she doing down there?

Glenn, you ever been married?

Uh, no, I have not.

Hmm.

I don't...

how old are you?

Uh, well, my license says 42.

Do you know why...

Most marriages in this country

end in divorce, Glenn?

Uh... (STAMMERING) there's

a number of reasons...

Because of inequalities within the marriage.

That's one of the reasons.

One spouse has more money

or more friends,

Or one spouse

has amorous feelings...

For someone outside

the marriage.

That's when it becomes important for

the couple to communicate, I think.

Because that's the key to a good

relationship. But, Glenn, Lexi and I...

Are the poster children

for the perfect marriage.

Oh, thanks. You don't

have to tell me that.

I see the love in your hearts.

And do you know why?

Do you know why, Glenn?

You love each other.

You're so... Forgiving. Because we share.

We share everything.

We split everything

50-50... that's good.

Right up the middle.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no! Glenn. Oh, Glenn.

Absolutely not!

Just try it.

Absolutely not!

Don't freak out.

Absolutely not! It's only fair now.

We're stuck.

So rude!

Oh, baby.

Damn it.

I was too aggressive. I get

so aggressive. No, honey.

We're gonna get it right.

We'll get it right.

Who has access

to V.X. Gas?

The Iranians.

But why would the Iranians want

to mess with the United States?

Who gives a sh*t, Shane?

Can you open that for me?

You don't wanna know

who did this to us?

Does it matter?

It matters to me.

If I'm gonna be murdered, I'd like to

know by whom out of common courtesy.

(PHONE RINGS)

- It's the land line.

(RINGING)

Are you gonna get it?

The phone lines

must be on line.

Hello?

MAN:
Hi. May I speak

to Pete mandrake?

Uh, who is this?

This is john from liberty financial.

What?

I'm calling with an

exclusive one-time offer...

It's john from

liberty financial.

Yeah, I might be interested,

but where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the liberty

financial call center.

What the f*** is going on out there?

I'm sorry. I...

Where are you calling from?

(FILIPINO ACCENT) Manila.

Manila, Philippines?

Yes.

Do you not know what's

going on out there?

What do you mean? Isn't

this on TV over there?

Our television is not on, sir.

Turn the TV on!

Hey, Mikey.

Mike.

They have a television.

Open the TV.

This guys says something on.

(SPEAKING FILIPINO)

Just turn it on, man.

Oh, holy sh*t!

What is it?

Holy sh*t, man! Is that

the Golden Gate Bridge?

Or is that the bay bridge? I get them

confused. What happened to either bridge?

Oh, man, this is f***ed up.

What does it look like?

It looks like they...

(LINE CLICKS, BEEPING) Hello. Hello?

Hello?

(TAPPING PLUNGER)

(BEEPING CONTINUES) Nothing.

Man, telemarketers

call at the worst time.

Mmm!

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS, EXHALES)

Oh, hey.

Oh.

(HEDY GROANS)

Uh...

(URINATING)

Do you want me to leave? No.

I don't give a f***.

Um... what are you

doing in here, Glenn?

Just hangin' out,

Trying to get a little...

Peace of mind.

Mmm, yeah.

What are you doing?

Peeing.

Right. Right.

(SIGHS, SEAT SLAMS)

Guess I don't have to flush.

(SIGHS)

(PILL CASES CLATTERING)

What are you doing?

Well, if I'm goin' out,

I'm going out riding the snake.

( PIANO, CLASSICAL)

You found music.

Actually, I think

it's, um, automated.

No. I believe

this is Beethoven.

How are you holding up?

You know, I never

went to Europe.

Never. Not once.

I... I never even

went to Montreal,

Which I hear is very European.

I never went scuba diving.

I never went to the ballet.

I've never been in love.

(SOBBING) I've never

even watched the wire.

All of those things

are overrated.

(TRACY SIGHS) Except for the wire.

That's really good.

Last season's

not very good, but...

Montreal? Come on.

Think of all the good

things you've done.

Like what?

Waste countless sundays

at these...

Stupid f***ing

couples brunches?

How about the countless

lives you've saved?

The people you've helped,

the lives you've improved,

The hope you gave people.

(INHALES)

Yeah, well... (CHUCKLES)

yeah, there is that.

I'm gonna go get that wine

that we brought,

And I'm gonna open it,

and we're gonna drink it.

And we're gonna

light some candles,

And we're just

going to... Relax.

(EXHALES) Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, good.

Don't think about all the stuff

you didn't do, all right?

All righty.

( CLASSICAL, HUMMING)

Hey, babe.

Hi.

What are you doing?

I, uh...

I'm making desert.

Luckily this stove runs on gas.

Can you pass me that

decongestant right there?

Thank you.

Are you making meth?

No. That would take

far too long,

And I'd need

many more ingredients.

But this is more like

a poor man's ecstasy.

(PILLS RATTLING)

The world's about to end,

and you're gonna do ecstasy?

Is there a better time?

Hedy, we don't even know

who did this to us.

We don't know what happened

to San Francisco or Chicago.

(YELLING)

Do you know why

we never set a date...

For the wedding?

It's 'cause you worry

about everything.

You second-guess

everything.

I mean, I love you.

I do.

I care about you so deeply.

But the thought...

Of planning

a major event with you?

That makes me want to claw

my f***ing eyes out.

And look at you now.

I mean, we're gonna die.

Like, we're gonna die soon,

And you're worried

about Koreans.

Well, what do you suggest I do?

I would, you know,

suggest that...

We have a little fun.

I mean, remember that one time

when we went to Cancun...

And we found the midget

with the marijuana...

And we got all freaky?

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