It's a Disaster Page #8

Babe, we are not in Cancun.

We're in the middle

of world war iii.

Then I think it's only fair I tell you...

(PILL CASES CLATTERING)

That this whole

"end of the world" thing...

Has really got me

reexamining our relationship.

And... Frankly,

I'm out.

Out of what?

I'm done with us.

You're done?

Yep.

The wedding's off.

(DEEP BREATH)

You know what?

You can't cancel a wedding

if you didn't set a date.

Watch me.

Enjoy your drugs.

Do you think we'll be

angels in heaven?

Hell, yeah...

heaven, yeah, we will.

Do you think

there's an angel band?

I know there is, and we're

gonna be a part of it.

'cause guess what they need.

What?

A glockenspielist.

(LAUGHING)

( FOLK ROCK)

(SIGHS)

(MAN SINGING, INDISTINCT)

What happened to us?

I don't know.

We were so good.

Right?

Yeah.

Couples brunch.

What about it?

You were always

so excited about 'em.

You know, making sure

the right people came,

Trying all kinds of new

cheese and wine.

I... I didn't care.

I mean, I didn't want

any part in the planning.

I... I barely even

wanted to show up.

And that's... that's our

marriage right there.

Yeah, you were always

trying new things.

Rock climbing, painting and...

Knitting.

Crocheting.

See? Crocheting.

I just coasted along.

I just got...

Wrapped up in what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

I appreciate that.

But...

I mean, I organize because I don't

trust anyone else to do it.

And I do all those

other things...

Because I'm looking

for something that I like.

Some version of me,

I guess, that I like.

You know, for the record,

I liked the first version of you.

Yeah, I know.

But maybe that's

part of the problem.

We got married so young, Pete.

And we were together

all the time, which was...

And it was so good

for so long, but...

It's like I don't even know a me

that has... that's different from us.

Because there's just been Pete and

Emma this and Pete and Emma that.

And never just Emma, and I...

Needed to figure that out.

And in... in retrospect,

Possibly,

filing for divorce was...

A drastic way to do that.

And I'm sorry.

You kept one.

Yeah.

What do you say?

Can we get back together...

The last couple hours

of our existence?

So, like an agreement?

Yeah, like an agreement.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

So, what did you need to tell me?

What?

When Tracy came in, you said there

was something you needed to tell me.

Was there?

( PIANO, ROMANTIC)

Madame?

Do you have anything else?

Oh. Madame,

I assure you this vintage is fantastic.

(POURING WINE)

And the last year, I think,

they're making this.

Then cheers.

(SMACKS LIPS) Mmm!

Wow. You and me, huh?

I don't know

what would've happened.

I think we would have

dated for about a year...

Mm-hmm.

And then gotten married.

Wow. Fast.

Well, I mean,

it felt right, you know?

And we had a very nice wedding.

Uh, nothing too fancy,

but a destination wedding.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, Hawaii.

- Kauai, to be exact.

- Kauai.

And then we had kids.

Lots of kids.

Lots of kids.

Lots of kids.

Lots of kids. Seven.

We had seven kids.

Damn. Damn.

They all went to ivy league schools.

Of course.

How about that? On scholarship.

On scholarship.

The boys were...

You took 'em to space camp,

so they became astronauts.

(CHUCKLES) Yep.

The girls became...

Senators?

To a good life.

(FOOTSTEPS TRAMPLING)

- Where's Buck?

Uh, he's upstairs in

the bedroom with Lexi.

Sorry. Oh, hello.

How cute.

GLENN:
I'd knock first.

I really like being alive, honey.

I know.

It's gonna be even better when

we're in heaven. Trust me.

What if we come back

as animals?

Hmm. Then I will come back as a starfish.

(LAUGHING)

EMMA:
Come on, Pete.

Hey. We're done if you

guys need the room.

Oh, hey, guys. But we'll go

again if you guys want in.

- Put some clothes on.

- Why bother, man?

Let's go out

the way we came in.

Put some goddamn clothes on

before I punch you in the face.

Okay, okay. Pete...

What is the bee in your bonnet?

Do you know he and Emma

slept together?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's right.

What?

Wait. What?

I knew about it before it happened.

I gave him the thumbs-up.

I texted her while

we were making out.

Drunkenly.

Let's remember that.

Gave me the thumbs-up. We always

give each other the thumbs-up.

- So you knew about me and Lexi?

- Yeah. It was my idea.

- Your idea? - Yeah, dude. I felt bad

'cause your wife cheated on you.

My wife was cheating on me with you, Buck! You!

LEXI:
Let's not fight.

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't

make a difference if it was me.

So that's why

you slept with Pete?

We thought it would help with peace

of mind if he ever found out.

(SCREAMING) Okay, okay!

Stop! Stop it!

LEXI:
- Everything is fine!

- Get off of him!

( CHORD) Emma!

- Look what I found!

(ARGUING, SHOUTING)

Are those my new clothes? Yes.

We should have a dance party.

No, no, no!

Get off me!

- Oh! Are we wrestling?

LEXI:
- Yes!

- Me too!

- What the hell!

- Yay!

- Please, you guys!

(HEDY LAUGHING, SHOUTING)

(WIND BLOWING)

Everyone out.

Oh, sh*t!

Out, out, out!

Get out!

Come on, come on! Close the door!

Close the door!

Quickly, Pete!

(GASPS, PANTING)

(RAGGED BREATHING)

You know what,

I'm gonna go set up

the glockenspiel...

So we can have our dance party.

I'm gonna go find

the duct tape...

So we can seal up

this door, okay?

And, Pete,

Sorry I broke your window, man.

Ah.

PETE:
It's okay, buddy.

It's okay.

I love you.

Emma, I never meant... it's okay.

Really?

Yeah.

I never meant to...

it's okay.

Really?

I swear, if I ever run around

with your husband again...

Whether it's Pete

or some new guy...

I will give you

a heads-up.

I appreciate that.

Pete, look, I...

You made a mistake,

and I made a mistake.

- Can we just...

- You wanna dance?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I do.

Mmm... but not,

like, right here.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

HEDY:
One, two, three, four!

(DRUMSTICKS BEATING TIME)

When I'm walkin',

I strut my stuff

And I'm so strung out

I'm high as a kite

I just might

Stop to check you out

Stop to check you out

(SINGING)

Then the guy starts throwing them at me.

And there's a whole bowl

of these mints.

And I'm running out,

And I'm saying to him, "excuse me"...

I'm trying to still be nice.

"those aren't my pants.

They're not"...

I mean, what am I...

(SINGING)

That's so bad.

Mmm, well...

GLENN:
Oh! What the f***?

Why aren't you dancing? What?

Why aren't you dancing?

All right, all right.

Put them thingies down and come

and dance now. Wait, wait. No, no.

Yes, yes, yes!

Which is which?

Couldn't we just... give me a second.

All right.

(SINGING, INDISTINCT)

(HEDY WHOOPING)

Guys, I think I see a plume

of smoke in the distance.

When I'm walkin',

I strut my stuff

And I'm so strung out

I'm high as a kite...

(CROWS CAWING)

( "HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN")

There is a house

In New Orleans

They call

The rising sun

And it's been the ruin

Of many a poor boy

And God, I know

I'm one

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