It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Page #12

- Like what, for instance?

I want the pension

for Culpeper's grade trebled.

Not doubled, trebled.

I want Culpeper to retire with honor.

I want it on paper that

that's exactly what's going to happen.

And I want it in my hands

in 15 minutes...

...or I'll have all the reporters

in town in here in 20.

You know the word for this, Your Honor.

It's called blackmail.

Sir, could you possibly see

your way clear to give us a break?

You kidding? Him give you a break?

We had a pretty rough day already.

We was all covered with dirt,

and we fell down in an airplane...

...and my grandmother's dying in Oxnard.

I know we don't deserve

any kindness, Captain.

But if you could help us,

I'm sure we'd all be inspired...

...to live better lives.

Well, there is one thing.

I don't know

whether it would help or not.

But if, instead of my turning you in...

...you went and turned yourselves in...

...juries sometimes look very favorably

on things like that.

You'd let us do that?

What are we waiting for?

Let's turn ourselves in.

You must be a fine human being.

After all, why should you worry

whether we get a break?

Well, Mr. Meyer,

no matter what you've all done today...

...you're not really criminals.

So if you like,

you can all hop into those two cabs...

...and drive over to Santa Rosita...

...and, uh, just walk in.

- Then let's do that.

- But, sir, we can't all fit.

You can't take the stolen vehicles.

Those have to stay to be picked up.

- What are we waiting for?

- Let's go.

Back in the back.

Drive carefully.

They may be the last passengers

you'll ever carry.

Funny. That's funny.

Funny, right? Funny?

You could be the most

comical cop I ever met.

Yeah.

- Culpeper.

- Yes, sir.

Everything is under control here.

It'll take a little longer

because there was a joker in the deck...

...that nobody knew about. All right?

Yes, sir.

So don't make a move of any kind

until you hear from me.

Yes, sir.

Listen, why does the man

want to give everybody a break?

- What's his angle there?

- I was wondering about that, too.

Something funny's going on.

How's he know what we're going to do?

We're in enough of a mess.

We better do what he said.

I'm tellin' you,

the man has got some angle.

Wait, wait. Hold it!

Can you see him?

- Just what does he think he's doing?

- That certainly is strange.

- Sure is.

- What is he doing?

- He's going the other way.

- Why are we standing here?

That's it!

We're off the hook!

Get out of here! Come on, we're off!

Come on, get going.

- Ah!

- Holy mackerel. Almost didn't make it.

No other cops around. He planned it.

We found the money and he was waiting

to take it away from us.

But if we all find the money first

and turn it in, we're all in the clear.

Let's just get the dough

and worry about the rest later.

- Look. He's slowing down.

- No, he's turning to the left.

What's going on?

Sorry, Jimmy.

He's heading for the border!

We should stop

and call the police station!

You shut up!

We're going to get that money.

Keep driving!

That woman is something else.

Take your foot off the brake!

Stop hitting me. I'm driving.

- When you want a cab, you can't get one.

- Yeah, come on, let's go!

F-14 to Central.

Come in. What is it?

There's something phony here.

We're on 101 by Cortez

checking a mad-dog report.

Orders were to maintain silence.

Capt. Culpeper wants

this channel kept clear.

We know it,

but we saw Capt. Culpeper.

He just went by doing 90 miles an hour.

I don't think I understand that.

Are you sure it was Capt. Culpeper?

- Yep.

- Was he chasing anybody?

- Nope.

- Could he have been chasing anybody?

Not a chance.

That's what struck us so funny.

There were about 15 people

in two cabs behind him.

It looked like they were chasing him.

They were chasing him?

What's going on here?

I brought it myself.

Everything you asked for.

- The pension?

- Yeah.

Call Capt. Culpeper.

Calling Capt. Culpeper.

Central Division. Urgent.

Calling Capt. Culpeper.

- This can only happen in America.

- You going to start that again?

You've got to believe me.

I'm going to be sick.

What's the matter?

You trying to kill us?

Just don't make me nervous!

- Don't let him get away!

- Cut him off!

Calling Capt. Culpeper.

Culp, this is Aloysius speaking.

Now, listen to me, Culp.

Everything has been fixed.

There's been negotiations

and everything is all right.

Cut out this nonsense and answer me.

This is Aloysius speaking.

I still don't understand this.

What's it all about?

Um... That's it.

All units...

...arrest Capt. Culpeper.

There he is!

- Come back!

- Get me out of here!

Just don't sit there. Come on.

Come on!

Stop pushing, will ya?

Wait. We got him.

Now, you women stay here.

What do you mean,

"You women stay here"?

You heard him, mother. Stay here!

Come on! Let's go!

- Is he there?

- Where'd he go?

Halt! Halt!

Now, wait a minute. Listen.

Yeah!

Stop pushing! Get the suitcase.

Look! Look up there!

...in this regard,

and there is no doubt...

Hey! Hey!

Those ladders are not safe!

Ladders are not safe!

Get off!

- You got it?

- Get it away.

Get moving!

Don't push. You got it? That's it.

Sylvester, what are you doing up there?

You must be out of your mind!

- Wait a minute!

- Get the suitcase!

Get that money!

Don't you dare touch any of that money.

- You! Don't stand there!

- To your right!

Russell, hang on!

Dingy, I can't hold on!

Help us!

Get off my hand!

Move onto the ladder!

Hold on! Wait a minute!

One at a time! Did you hear me?

One at a time!

All right!

All right, you'll see. You'll see.

Get on alphabetical. I'm Benjy.

Quit stepping on my head!

Get on the ladder.

Don't leave me! Come back here!

You can't leave me!

There's too many men

on it to control it.

Hold it steady. Watch it.

She's whipping loose.

Ah!

Whoo!

Wind us down! Wind us down!

I don't want the money!

Look out!

Get off!

She's going! Get out of there!

Emmeline!

Mama!

It's all your fault.

It's your fault from beginning to end.

You know, even for a policeman...

...your behavior was ruddy outrageous.

You could've taken a fair share

like the rest of us...

...but no, you had to grab up

the whole scene, baby.

We had $350,000 right in our hands.

Fourteen into $350,000...

Shut up.

I wish I knew what

they were gonna do to us.

But no matter what happens to us, I hope

what happens to you will be worse.

I don't think you have to worry

too much about that.

My wife is divorcing me.

My mother-in-law

is suing me for damages.

My daughter is applying to the courts

to have her name changed.

My pension has been revoked.

And the only reason

that you 10 idiots...

...will very likely get off lightly...

...is because the judge will have

me up there to throw the book at.

Aw, that's tough. Oh!

I'd like to think that sometime,

maybe 10 or 20 years from now...

...there'd be something

I could laugh at, anything.

Now, see here, you idiots,

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