It's a Wonderful Afterlife

MAN GROANS:

SWISH OF KNIFE:

POT BUBBLES:

MAN GROANS AND PANTS

SIREN WAILS:

Male found unconscious.

BP 100 over 70. Sats 85%.

Can you beep the surgical registrar?

He may need an ultrasound.

I need him connected now.

Pulse and blood pressure.

Heart rate down to 100.

Blood pressure rising.

SCREAMS:

STOMACH GURGLES:

MONITOR FLATLINES

'Police remain baffled

by this latest victim.

'The third member of

the Asian community found dead

'in an Indian food-related

incident this week.

'The first victims were also

murdered here in Southall,

'London's Little India.

'The curry killer appears

to remain at large

'while the police have no idea who it

is or when they may strike again.'

Murder number one, Indian couple.

Wife hit on the head

with a rolling pin,

husband suffocated

with chapati dough.

LAUGHTER:

Shh. Naan of that, please(!)

We've classified this

latest incident as murder

because forensics say

the chilli content of the curry

was way off

the human tolerance scale.

Everyone,

this is Detective Sergeant Murthy.

He'll be assisting our team,

interviewing members of

the local community and the like.

Let's get back to basics.

Murthy, what do you think

is going on here?

I haven't been here long,

but murders are rare.

Certainly never a serial killer.

We need some good community

undercover work here.

You're an insider, Murthy.

People will talk to you.

Whoever is committing these murders

knows a thing or two about spices.

But, sir, everyone eats curry now.

Chicken tikka masala

is the number one national dish,

everyone's a potential suspect.

Exactly. You're thinking laterally.

That's why you're part of this team.

Sir, he's just currying favour.

Currying.

See what I did with that, yeah?

MUSIC:
"A-Team Theme"

overlain with bhangra drums

Hello, Aunty.

It's Raj.

Googly.

I heard you were a police officer.

Googly!

Blimey, you've grown.

Roopi?

Mmm.

So have you.

Sorry to hear about Uncle's passing.

Thank you, beta.

It's been a year now

since your uncle has gone.

I hope God will take me to him soon,

too.

Once my duty is done.

Mum!

You're not sick, are you?

Since Dad died she thinks

she's next in line.

Apparently I'm holding up her plans

because I won't get hitched.

I know the feeling.

What are you doing in London?

I transferred to

the Southall station.

I'm working with the murder

investigation team

on these recent murders.

That couple that died,

their daughter ended up at

our shelter more than a few times.

Shelter?

I work in a refuge centre,

protecting women from the so-called

pillars of our community.

It's nice to see you both again.

LOUD THROAT-CLEARING

I better get back to the station.

Come home some time

for home-cooked food.

I will, Aunty.

My God!

He's grown into a handsome man.

Maybe I should talk to his parents.

They always liked you as a girl.

Don't start, Mum.

Listen, beta. What is done is done.

That Tej was bad news.

But you have to move on.

You're letting go so many chances.

Mum, you've got to stop all this

wishy-washy fairy-tale nonsense.

Get real.

BOY:
Who's home? Who's home?

BOYS:
Fat family. Fat family.

BOY:
Fatty boom boom.

BOY:
Who's home?

BOYS:
Fat family.

BOY:
Fat family, fat family,

fat family, fat family.

PARROT:
Fat family's home!

Fat family's home!

Fat family's home!

Pappu, don't be a wanker.

Pappu, don't be a wanker!

SCREAMS:

BOY:
Got you!

BOYS LAUGH:

SPEAKS PUNJABI:

For God's sake, Jazz.

When are you going to grow up?

Mum's been through enough

without dealing with you

and your gags.

Don't be a loser all your life.

If your father was alive,

Jasminder would get a proper job.

Mum, I've got a proper job.

I'm a DJ.

He's a DJ, innit?

And Roopi would be married and

settled and I could go in peace.

I'm sorry, Mum. I'm sorry.

PHONE RINGS:

It's all right, Mum.

Yah, man, this is Jazz.

How can I help you?

WOMAN:
'Is that Mrs Sethi's house?'

Hello, Aunty. 'Go get your mother.'

Hello?

'Mrs Sethi?'

Anji.

'I have a very good boy

for your daughter.

'My cousin's sister's son.'

Yes, of course.

'You bring Roopi.'

She'll be there.

'To the Guldana.'

Thank you.

Mum. Please tell me you haven't

dropped me in it again.

MYSTICAL INDIAN MUSIC

WOMAN:
Listen, what can we do now?

It's the boy's decision, no?

You told me she'd lost weight.

How can I help you find someone

for her

when she's bigger

than the boys I show you?

But looks aren't everything.

And she's strong.

Not like those pencil-thin girls

who could snap at any time.

You're the mother, it's your fault.

You should have controlled her

eating from the start. But, no.

And now everywhere does threading.

There is no excuse

for a moustache like that.

WOMAN SPEAKS PUNJABI

CAR HORN BLAS LOUD MUSIC

REVS ENGINE:

TYRES SCREECH:

It's all right.

Come on, let's go home.

OK, who is she?

How is she connected to the others?

What have you found out?

I've spoken to the neighbours.

She was a widow. Lived alone.

God-fearing, went to

the Sikh temple all the time.

Murthy, you have described every

bleeding old biddy in this town.

Tell me something new.

Sir, you got a minute?

METALLIC SQUEAKING

CLATTERING:

SCREAMS:

Mum. Are you OK?

SHE WHIMPERS:

THUNDERCLAP:

PAPPU SQUAWKS:

Shh.

GASPS:

THUNDERCLAP:

PAPPU SCREECHES:

Pappu, quiet!

Mum, what's wrong?

What are you looking at?

What is it?

No, don't do it.

You're just missing Dad.

I still wake up in a state, too.

Make you a hot cup of milk, hm?

It's all right.

THUNDERCLAP:

BIRDSONG:

SIGHS:

SCREAMS:

Why did you do it?

What were you thinking?

What is wrong with you?

MUFFLED:

Morning, Mum.

Still looking a little pale.

Pale? She should see us.

How you feeling?

I'm OK.

I better get to work.

Sure you're OK?

Why worry about her?

We're the ones who are dead.

The girl works too hard,

that's why she's let her body go.

Fat mother, fat daughter.

What's wrong, Mum?

You're a million miles away.

I'm sorry, beta.

You please go to work.

Take some stuffed parantas

for lunch.

What? She already has

a bottom like a buffalo.

Call me if you need anything.

I'm picking up Linda at the airport

after work.

That's why I did it.

What?

You said my daughter's too fat

for you.

And you said she's too ugly

for your cousin's sister's son.

And you?

You said she's not good enough

for your nephew Tej.

So you broke her engagement, made

some mischief and broke her heart.

You all rejected her

without even knowing her.

You can't be nice to her

even in death.

She is all I can ask for

in a daughter.

She's loving, dutiful, considerate.

And still no-one will have her.

She deserves to have a good husband

and a good family.

And you all got what you deserve.

Deserve this? For trying to help

you find a match for moto-joto?

You killed us for telling the truth.

Surely an over-reaction, no?

But we rejected so many girls.

Better to break an engagement

than have a bad match for ever.

MUFFLED:

This isn't real.

This can't be happening.

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