It's a Wonderful Afterlife Page #2

It's real to us.

POSTMAN:
Morning.

Oi, post wallah, look.

Mr Postman, look at us.

DOG BARKS:

Milo!

What's wrong? You look bothered.

Are your son and my Ari

raising your blood pressure?

Is there something different

about me today?

Did you dye your hair?

Where do Jewish people go

after they die?

Willesden.

Huh?

The Jewish cemetery.

It's lovely, all green and peaceful.

Milo!

No, I mean your spirit. Your soul.

Oh, that. Nothing.

When you're dead you're dead.

That's sad.

At least we have reincarnation.

You see, we have reincarnation.

Everybody is reborn.

What, everyone?

If you're good in this life,

you come back again next time

as something good,

like a holy person.

But if you're bad then you come back

as something bad, like a cockroach.

So if we're dead

why are we still here?

Why haven't we been reincarnated?

I have no idea.

Maybe you all did very bad things

in your life

so you're off the scale.

But what about the bad you've done?

What's going to happen to you?

You know I'm a vegetarian. Why

stab me with chicken tikka kebab?

Why not panir?

Listen, panji, I was not bad

to your daughter.

Why did you kill me?

He was the one who said

she was not suitable.

He pushed his sister

to break off the engagement.

MUFFLED:

Of course you did.

You said whoever marries her

will never need a mattress.

MUFFLED:

LAUGHS:

Mattress!

ALL YELP:

OK.

That's not right.

SINGS BADLY:
# I'm losing my way

# And I'm trying to discover

my sou-ou-ou-ou-oul... #

I mean maybe we should write

a song about death.

No, no, I don't forget

when it comes to my children.

That's my mum. She's got guests.

That means she's cooking.

I've got the munchies.

You said that to me.

You think I don't remember?

You think it doesn't hurt

her mother?

It doesn't break her heart

to hear such things.

Perhaps next time you'll think about

her hurt and her pain.

AMERICAN TV VOICEOVER:

'From an early age, John Edward

'displayed remarkable

psychic abilities.

'Predictions and premonitions

he couldn't explain.

'At 15, a reading by a psychic

changed his life.

'John was told

what millions have witnessed.

'He can reunite people

in the physical world

'with those who have crossed over.'

This guy's a scam artist. He can't

help us. We need professional help.

'He's telling me to tell you

'about hiding in

the back right-hand corner."

'Would you go back there and hide?

Yeah.'

It's very emotional

when he contacts the dead relatives.

Especially a wife

whose husband died young.

Hi, Mum.

Hi, Aunty.

Linda, beti.

Namaste, Aunty.

Oh, you've come. Come, come.

If her daughter had that body

we wouldn't be in this problem.

MUFFLED:

I'm totally transformed.

I am no longer Linda.

I am Gitali.

Huh?

It means "melodious one".

It also means you've lost the plot.

You went to India

and changed your name?

Aunty, I met a wonderful

numerologist in Ritikesh.

He said "L" is very bad

for my date of birth.

It's been the "L" in Linda

that has been blocking me in love.

He said if I changed my name

to begin with "G"

it would be very lucky for me.

Hence Gitali.

She may be cracked,

but what a figure.

This is very strange.

What is?

The room. It's vibrating.

It's just the bulb going.

It's haunted.

Don't be daft. This is Ealing.

There are spirits present.

Spirits? What are you on about?

You know I've always been psychic,

right?

While I was at the ashram, my guru

taught me how to harness my gift.

And now I can feel everything.

She has a gift.

She can sense us.

Ooh.

Well, let's see if she can

sense this.

SINGS:

It's very creepy.

It's like cheap cologne.

Ask her why we're still here.

Why are these spirits here, Linda?

It's Gitali.

I feel, Aunty,

it's to do with the murders.

See, she will find you out.

What are you trying to say?

When someone is murdered

their spirit is unleashed.

It's not easy for them to move on

so they hang about.

ALL:
For how long?

Sometimes their souls aren't ready

for the next life.

I'm ready right now.

MUFFLED:

How much time before we rot away

and disappear completely? Ask her.

What has to happen

for them to move on?

Some believe that

souls of the murdered

can only be reincarnated

once the murderer is dead.

Oh, God help us.

I need a large G and T.

And so do you.

Can you not feel that?

So...

do you want to hear my big news?

Apart from your brain transplant

with an Indian shaman?

Stop being so closed off.

Listen, do you remember

before I went I had a feeling

that I'd find my guy on this trip?

Oh, my God.

You haven't gone and fallen

for a native, have you, Linda?

It's Gitali.

When I was at the ashram,

I started having these strong

feelings for this one guy.

My guru said that I should follow

my feelings because guess what?

Enlighten me.

My guru thinks I've been married

to him for five past lives.

My numerologist gave me his initials

before I'd even met him.

What?!

GIGGLES HELPLESSLY

Just saying.

Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

OK. What's his name, then?

Devinderpal Singh Chandioke.

Mercy!

He's not from some backwater

remote hillside village, is he?

Actually, he's from Gerrards Cross.

DOORBELL RINGS:

Googly.

Namaste, Aunty.

Come in.

Thank you.

I hope I haven't come at a bad time.

Nonsense. You're always welcome.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Don't really know many people

in London yet.

This is your home. Come, sit.

Thank you.

Your necklace is caught, Aunty.

Thank you, beta.

It was a gift from my husband

on our wedding day.

So, what about you, then?

Erm... Nothing.

Can't handle it right now.

Come on, you've got

to get yourself back out there.

I know. It's only been six months.

Tej is your past.

And "T" and "R", hopeless together.

Wish I'd known that then.

So who is good for "R"?

"D". Or "R" itself.

"D" for desperate.

And "R" for really desperate.

Stop it. Be positive.

And do you think I'd do

my own love chart and not yours?

Oh, it's good to have you back.

It's good to be back.

He's very handsome.

Too handsome.

He's way out of moto's league.

Nice and tall.

But a little...dark, no?

Must be from south.

They have very bad table manners.

Anything wrong, Aunty?

No, I just remembered that I forgot

to get the green chillies.

You must stay for dinner.

I hope you're hungry.

Hi, Mum.

Look who's here.

Hey, Googs.

Hey.

This is my old mate Linda.

Pleasure to meet you.

Please, call me Raj. No-one has

called me Googly for years.

Ah, Raj.

Oh.

I'm Gitali. It's my rebirth name.

Hello, it's only me.

Here it is, love.

Eggless cake you like so much.

You shouldn't have.

Thank you so much.

Meet our family friend Raj

from Kent. He's a police officer.

Very good. We need a lot

of protection around here.

You have no idea.

So, Raj, are you here...

He is so gorgeous.

Oh, I know.

And?

His family stayed with us

when they first came to England.

I used to go blackberry picking

with him along the canal

when we were kids.

I've seen him in his underpants.

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