It's a Wonderful Afterlife Page #5

That is why you should let us

help you.

Us?

I mean me.

I know a few clubs where there are

always men looking for women.

Not the sort of men

we should be looking for.

What about trying this shaddi.com?

No. Too many people on the internet

lying about their age and

their profession. It's unsafe.

But I've heard of something

that might work.

Hello, I'm Jagjit.

Hi. Roopi.

KEBAB WOMAN:
He's panga.

Beggars can't be choosers.

SPIRITS:
Next.

MAN LAUGHS:

SPIRITS:
Next.

What year did you say you were born?

Why ask trick questions?

No-one's good enough for her.

KEBAB WOMAN:
He's older than you.

Next.

RAPS:
Yo, honey girl,

sweet sugar dumpling.

Not bad, very modern.

Got speed daters to my left,

speed daters to my right.

Don't you worry about me,

I'll speed date you all night.

SPIRITS:
Next.

BLOWS WHISTLE:

Hi.

I can see a great future for us.

Should've gone to Specsavers.

SPIRITS:
Next.

Hi.

I am...Dilraj.

Poor little chap.

SPIRITS:
Next!

Hi.

What are you doing here, Googs?

I guess we all have to bite the

bullet and try to please our folks.

It doesn't matter how proud

they are I'm a police officer,

they keep asking the same question.

This isn't any more surreal

than the last time we met.

I am sorry for coming to your refuge

like that.

I do hope that young woman

you were helping is OK now.

She's getting there. Thanks.

But your partner is a right tosser.

He's not actually my partner.

Unfortunately,

I didn't get to pick him.

It was arranged.

She's found a match.

Googly.

He's perfect.

It's fate bringing them together.

He's a little dark, though.

And he's not a Sikh, he's a Hindu.

That is close enough.

He's breathing, he'll do.

You put yourself through

this nightmare

and you still haven't found anyone.

I did.

I cheated. I knew her before.

Huh?

Will you have dinner with me?

MUSIC:
"Wonderful Life" by Black

He's funny.

# Here I go

# Out to sea again

# The sunshine fills my hair

# And dreams hang in the air

# Gulls in the sky

And in my blue eyes

# You know it feels unfair

# There's magic everywhere

# Look at me standing

# Here on my own again

# Up straight in the sunshine

# No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful, wonderful life

# No need to laugh

# And cry

# It's a wonderful

wonderful life... #

SAXOPHONE SOLO:

She shouldn't drink in front of him.

Very bad.

She certainly shouldn't eat,

it'd scare anyone.

# ..I need a friend

# Oh, I need a friend

# To make me happy

# Not so alone

# Look at me here

# Here on my own again

# Up straight in the sunshine

# No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful, wonderful Life

# No need to laugh and cry... #

Hi, Roopi.

MUSIC CUTS OU Hi. Tej.

Roopi, this is... This is Karishma.

And how do you two know each other?

We used to work together.

Sorry I'm late, darling.

This is Tej. And...

MUSIC RESUMES:

# ..No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful, wonderful life

# No need to laugh

# And cry

It's a wonderful, wonderful... #

Good evening.

# ..Wonderful life. #

Damn, she got lucky.

Sorry?

Nothing.

I'm telling you, sir,

it's not Roopi Sethi.

How can you be sure?

I spent weeks with her.

There's no way she's the murderer.

No motive, no evidence, nothing.

You can't rule her out

just because you fancy her, Murthy.

Forensics found a small hair

in the sweet Mrs Goldman was eating.

We need a DNA sample from Roopi now.

Can I have a word, Chief?

MURTHY:
Namaste, Aunty.

MRS SETHI:
Namaste.

We're not going to be late. I've got

three new cases at work tomorrow.

You all enjoy. Have a nice time.

Thank you.

I've left my phone.

KEBAB WOMAN:
That top is too low.

CURRY MAN:
She's looking damn hot.

LINDA:
I could murder a pizza.

KEBAB WOMAN:
Why does she have

to show everything?

MRS GOLDMAN:
She looks nice.

I am totally serious.

I can read foreheads.

Does it work...

if you've had botox?

Does my forehead look big in this?

SNIGGERS:

OK.

Tense.

You both are not very good

at being straight.

Are you saying Googly's

a bent copper?

It's Raj, Roops, Raj.

I'm not saying he's bent,

but I am seeing something.

What?

What can you see?

Are you hiding something from us?

Well, yeah, we can't go revealing

all to you women.

Where's the romance in that?

OK. I admit it.

I have had botox.

Wine?

So, Dev, your families seem

to have hit it off well.

Actually, it was perfect.

We're all looking forward

to the engagement party.

Dev's parents are putting up

a huge marquee in the garden.

And we've set a date

for the wedding.

Spring wedding.

We've discussed a spring wedding.

We love...

Dev, honey.

Remember what our charts recommend?

Wedding day.

14th March, 11:
45am GMT.

The charts also say I should

give up meat and shave my head

so our marriage will be auspicious,

but that's a lot to ask, darling.

I need to use the ladies'.

ROOPI:
Ahem!

Excuse me.

(Why are you pushing so hard,

Linda?)

I've asked you a thousand times.

Please stop calling me Linda.

I'm Gitali. My luck won't work

if you don't use the "G".

But you're forcing it.

What happened to the carefree

ballsy girl I used to know?

He's my destiny.

Linda...

Look, I'm not going to be stuck as

Assistant Head of Human Resources

at Ealing Town Hall

for the rest of my life.

He just needs a little bit

of prodding.

DEV:
Waiter.

The Barolo. This no good.

You miss two episodes

and it has all changed.

The brothers look different.

She killed the brother.

MRS SETHI:

'I think his wife is in on it.

'But nobody else.'

Wife? Don't say we've missed one.

Get back out there,

see if she's still on her own.

DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV

It's so sad.

You watch this for fun?!

I know who did it.

MRS SETHI:
'"I know who did it.'

She's on her own watching telly.

I can see her from the window.

If she's on her own,

who's she talking to?

She's a nutter.

Talks to herself all the time.

Oh, my God.

ALL SCREAM:

LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

What are you doing?

I'm DJ-ing this private party.

Why don't you get a proper job?

When are you going

to get some responsibility?

You're sounding like

a broken record.

Can I count on you to look after

your sister when I'm gone?

Why are you talking like that, Mum?

What are you worried about?

You're as strong as an ox.

If I die tomorrow,

will you look after your sister?

You're scaring me now, Mum.

I'm going to be late tonight, so

if you need anything call my mobile.

Come sit down.

THUNDERCLAPS:

MURTHY:
It's like a monsoon.

Roops, seriously, wait.

LAUGHTER AND SQUEALING

Hey, Mum.

So wet.

SCREAMS:

LINDA:
Aunty.

Your aura has got so dark.

I feel five spirits around you.

I'm going to remove them.

SMYTHE:
Five murders, five spirits.

I knew it. There's a connection.

I'm going to do

a spiritual cleansing.

Dev, move the table. Move it.

Don't do this, Linda.

It's OK.

What's a cleansing?

She's going to remove us.

Do you think she'll help us move on?

Could be, could be.

Yes.

KEBAB WOMAN:

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