It's a Wonderful Afterlife Page #6

God, forgive my mistakes.

I became bitter because

my mother-in-law was the same to me.

Please, bring me back as a cat

that never has to lift a finger.

This is it, we are leaving.

ROLLING PIN WOMAN:

Wait, don't leave without me.

Please, God, give me good sperm

in the next life

so my wife won't leave again.

LINDA CHANTS:

RUMBLING:

YELLING:

MRS GOLDMAN:
There's a good boy.

Stop it. You're upsetting Mum.

I am sorry.

Why are you sorry, Mum?

Why haven't the DNA results

come back from the lab yet?

You can't rush forensics.

See ya, Guv.

Ta-ra.

I only got that evidence

to prove Roopi isn't the murderer.

We need to start looking

at other suspects.

What do you think we've been doing?

500 interviews and not a bean.

My arse is on the line

and so's yours.

We know the murderer cooks,

Roopi hates cooking.

She won't even make chapatis.

She sees it as a symbol of women's

oppression.

And the rest of the family?

Brother's a waster.

He's harmless, no motive.

What about the mother?

You are joking?

Women like Aunty couldn't hurt a fly.

We can't stop investigating

this family.

They knew all the victims.

We've got nothing else.

Keep seeing Roopi.

Go to that engagement party.

Wear a wire.

She's bound to let something slip.

I'm bringing the mother in.

So...

..we've been watching you,

Mrs Sethi.

Why would you be watching me, sir?

It's odd that your family happens

to know all the murder victims.

Say you didn't know all of them.

I didn't know all of them, sir.

Where were you on

Friday, February 6th?

The night Mr and Mrs Chopra

were killed.

Stay calm. My sister Rita Juj

was having a party in Stanmore.

Say you were there.

I was in Stanmore at a party

given by Ritu Juj.

What about Wednesday February 18th?

The night Manjit Kaur was murdered.

KEBAB WOMAN:

You were out shopping at B&Q.

I was shopping at B&Q

off the Hayes bypass.

On Wednesday they give

ten% discount to seniors.

What did you buy?

NAAN MAN:
Say nothing,

or they will check receipts.

Go on.

What did you buy?

MRS GOLDMAN:
Say you were

looking for a clothes dryer.

19.99, steel finish,

but they were out of stock.

Nothing.

I was looking for a clothes dryer,

steel finish.

But they were out of stock.

CURRY MAN:
OK, but they

won't be fooled for ever.

Murthy has to marry Roopi

or we have to find another plan.

And fast.

BHANGRA MUSIC:

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

Oi, garcon.

Thank you.

You sure this is cool, bruv?

This is what they do in the villages

when they want the families

to laugh with each other.

Ganja pakoras.

Wee pakora.

Don't mind if I do.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome, sexy.

Another one?

Go on then. Might as well.

Engagement day.

APPLAUSE AND DRUMMING

LINDA SCREAMS:

Oh, my God, she's freaking out.

What's happened?

She saw us.

Eh?

CURRY MAN:
She sensed my energy.

I've still got it.

Could she see us?

Can you not see that?

The drummers?

Look.

I'm going to go and get Mum.

Mrs Sethi?

Where's she gone?

Jazz, have you seen Mum?

No.

Why's Linda freaking out?

Probably one of my ganja pakoras.

You didn't! Did you?

Yeah.

You idiot.

Googs is here. He's a cop, you know.

Throw the rest away.

Ooh, sorry.

Dev, come on.

Chillax, Aunty. It's all good vibes.

It was my stupid brother's fault.

He made bhang pakoras.

Ganja?

Let's get you some air.

Did you see the look on

Aunty's face?

Have a seat, come here.

It's all right, don't worry.

Oh, no. Do you feel sick?

Yeah.

But it's not the pakoras.

What?

I think I'm making

a terrible mistake.

Here, today, with all of this.

Jeez.

You're just realising this now?

I've been thinking it for weeks.

I hoped it was just nerves.

It probably is.

The ganja's not helping.

Gitali is not my soulmate.

I think you are.

Dev, what are you doing?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

It just felt so right.

Why did you agree to marry Linda?

Typical bullshit.

I was worried I was getting past it.

Pressure from my folks. I really

did like her at first in India.

But she's changed.

I feel more connected to you

just in these last few weeks.

KEBAB WOMAN:
Yes!

Here's our plan B.

She has two husband options now.

Oh my God, Dev. You're a "D".

Linda was right.

Don't start on that.

Just be real.

Look at the two of us.

We always get on.

You make me laugh.

We're both Punjabis.

It's the perfect match.

You really feel that?

Yeah.

My folks, they really like her.

Even like the fact that

she's English.

Because she's beautiful.

And I'm not.

Yeah. No!

I mean I don't care...

what you look like.

OK, forget that husband option.

Why say all this now?

You think I'm going

to throw myself at some guy

who's going to break

my best friend's heart?

INDISTINCT RECORDING PLAYS

'You think I'm going

to throw myself at some guy

'who's going to break

my best friend's heart?'

What is happening?

Googs.

What are you doing?

My iPhone's acting up.

It turned itself on.

Why are you recording

my conversation?

There goes the other husband option.

No, I wasn't.

I had to make a phone call.

Are you still investigating me?

Roopi, let me explain.

You are. You're here undercover.

Bugging my conversations.

And I thought we were actually

having a nice time together.

How stupid am I?

I was having a nice time.

Stop it.

I really thought my luck

had changed.

I thought I'd been through all

the humiliation I possibly could.

You've taken it to an all-time low.

Thank you...

for reminding me that

the only way someone like you

would ever go out with me

is if he was forced to.

Roopi, wait. I don't want to marry

Linda, I want to marry YOU!

EVERYONE GASPS:

MUSIC DIES OU ROOM FALLS SILEN YELLS: No!

It's not true.

No!

So is this why you didn't want

to set a wedding date?

Gitali, please.

Numerologist. Our charts, our

foreheads, it's all just rubbish.

Maybe we make our own fate.

I'm sorry.

No, ma'am, please.

Linda. What are you doing?

No. He's not worth it.

Don't do this.

Just hand it back to me. Linda.

Gitali.

Maybe we could sit down.

Have a drink, talk about this, huh?

No, Gitali.

Give... Give me the bowl.

Give me the bowl, Gitali.

Give me the bowl. Give me this.

EVERYONE EXCLAIMS

REVERBERATING SCREAM

DEEP RUMBLING:

THUNDERCLAPS:

SCREAMING:

Stop, Linda!

CORKS POPPING:

ELECTRICAL PULSING

SPIRITS SCREAM:

DEV:
No, Gitali.

SPIRITS SIGH AND GROAN

LINDA:
ROOPI!

It's OK.

He's not the one for you.

He's not good enough

for my best mate Linda.

Gitali.

It's Linda.

I'm Linda.

Yeah.

I'm Linda. Linda.

MAN:
Has she stopped?

Feel a bit better now.

Mm.

I could really do with a bath,

actually.

It's a real mess in here, innit?

So, you got your cover blown.

That's... That's genius.

Please don't take me off the team.

Too late. Smythe's already done it.

I need answers.

You let your feelings

get in the way.

I'm going after Roopi now, like we

should have done from the start.

Why don't we have the DNA results?

They'd prove Roopi's innocence.

We've had them for days,

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