It's Kind of a Funny Story Page #2

CRAIG:

No. I just stopped on my own.

DR. MAHMOUD

Oh... you shouldn’t do that.

CRAIG:

Yeah, I know.

DR. MAHMOUD

Do your parents know where you are?

Craig shakes his head.

DR. MAHMOUD

Well, Craig, you don’t seem to be inimmediate danger to yourself, so Ithink we should call your parents, tellthem what happened, and refer you toone of our out-patient services.

CRAIG:

But I need help now. The hotline said

you’d help me.

DR. MAHMOUD

I understand you’re upset, but thepeople we admit to the hospital arevery sick.

CRAIG:

I am too. Can’t you, like, give mesomething...

DR. MAHMOUD

Not without parental consent. Look,

this is serious business, Craig. We

very rarely take in patients your age.

I think it would be best if we tried to

handle this without-

CRAIG:

Okay, maybe I'm not explaining right...

how serious. See, my school is really--

and not just my school-- it's like Ithrow up sometimes because everythingfeels like it's building up. And

everyone else seems like they'retotally handling everything-- like myfriends, right? Aaron and Nia--

They’re both so... But not me. I like

sweat all the time. I'm sweating now,

aren't I?

Craig wipes his forehead, catches his breath.

CRAIG:

You know what I mean?

Dr. Mahmoud doesn’t move.

CRAIG:

I’m scared, okay? I can’t go back outthere... I don’t know what... I mightdo something... I just need some help.

Please. I need you to help me.

Dr. Mahmoud stares at Craig, concerned. He thinks it over.

INSERT:
Dr. Mahmoud signs the admittance form.

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY

We follow NURSE SMITTY, a thin, bearded hippy-looking dude inblue jeans, as he leads Craig off the elevator. Craignotices a sign on the wall reading ADULT PSYCHIATRIC with anarrow pointing to the right.

Smitty leads Craig towards a set of heavy double doorslabeled THREE NORTH. Smitty flashes his ID, and the ThreeNorth SECURITY GUARD buzzes them inside.

After they pass through the threshold, the doors shut, andthe lock echoes through the corridors.

ON CRAIG, peering over his shoulder at the prison-like metaldoors.

INT. THREE NORTH REGISTRATION OFFICE - MINUTES LATER

A cute, West-Indian Nurse, MONICA, sips coffee behind thedesk. Nurse Smitty shuffles papers nearby.

MONICA:

Welcome to Three North, Craig. Let’s

go over some rules. First rule of

Three North:
we do NOT talk about

Three North.

This grabs Craig’s attention. Smitty cracks up.

MONICA:

Just kidding.

SMITTY:

That gets me every time.

Craig forces a smile.

CRAIG:

What exactly is Three North?

MONICA:

Our adult psychiatric floor.

CRAIG:

Oh, but I’m only sixteen.

MONICA:

Our teen floor is undergoingrenovations, so all teens are here withthe adults.

CRAIG:

Oh...

MONICA:

And you’ll be expected to act like onewhile you’re with us.

Craig nods.

MONICA:

So, starting tomorrow, you’ll befollowing the schedule andparticipating in the group activities.

She hands Craig a sheet of paper.

MONICA:

Our floor has a point system, wherebypatients get privileges forparticipating in activities and meals,

and lose privileges for non-

participation and/or acting out.

INSERT:
A schedule outlining the hour-by-hour itinerary forthe week. Includes things like: BREAKFAST, VITALS, THERAPY(GP. #1), ARTS & CRAFTS, BINGO, LUNCH.

MONICA:

In the meantime, we’ll contact yourfamily, and they can bring over achange of clothes, toothbrush, thatkind of thing.

CRAIG:

Um, well, I don’t think I’ll be herethat long. I have school tomorrow,

so...

Monica and Smitty exchange knowing glances.

MONICA:

You’ll have to discuss that with Doctor

Minerva. Now, very important... do youhave any sharp objects on you? Pocket

knife? Keys?

Craig hands her his keys.

MONICA:

Good. We’ll need your cell phone andbelt, too. And your shoe laces.

CRAIG:

Shoe laces?

MONICA:

We can’t take any chances.

Craig hands over his phone and watches as Monica seals itinside a plastic bag with his keys and shoelaces.

INT. THREE NORTH - EAST CORRIDOR

Smitty leads Craig (minus shoelaces) down the hall. Theypass several other PATIENTS, including a TWEAKED-OUT MANwearing an oversized Backstreet Boys t-shirt. He makes a

ZAPPING noise in Craig’s direction.

Smitty spots a woman in a professional skirt suitapproaching. She is DR. EDEN MINERVA (late 40s), the staffpsychiatrist.

SMITTY:

Hey, Dr. Minerva...

DR. MINERVA

Hey Smitty.

SMITTY:

This is our newest patient, CraigGilner.

DR. MINERVA

Hi Craig. How are you?

CRAIG:

Um... just, like... you know...

DR. MINERVA

You just get settled in. We’ll talk

later, okay? Nice to meet you, Craig.

Smitty and Craig continue down the hall, where a patient,

JIMMY, smiles to Craig. He has one tooth.

JIMMY:

Don’t worry, it’ll come to ya.

SMITTY:

Good morning, Jimmy.

Craig nervously steps past Jimmy.

CRAIG:

What was that about?

SMITTY:

Jimmy’s schizophrenic.

CRAIG:

Is there a place here for people morelike me?

SMITTY:

We have all kinds of patients here.

(calling O.S.)

Bobby, my man!

Camera TRACKS IN on BOBBY-- the same guy who sat next toCraig in the E.R. As he glides down the hall in SLOW-MOCraig gets a better look at him. No longer wearing doctors’scrubs, Bobby sports a well-worn grey wool sweater. His deep-

set eyes and rough edges betray a hard-lived past.

SMITTY:

How ‘bout a tour for our new friend,

Craig, here?

BOBBY:

Sure thing, babe.

SMITTY:

Bobby’ll show you around while we fixup your room. See you guys in a jiff.

Smitty splits and Craig follows Bobby.

BOBBY:

What’s a jiff?

CRAIG:

A jiff?

BOBBY:

This guy, Smitty, is always like, “Dothis in a jiff, that in a jiff.”

CRAIG:

I think it just means, like, a shortperiod of time.

Bobby doesn’t seem to care about Craig’s answer.

CRAIG:

So, is this like a mental ward?

BOBBY:

Not a ward, a hospital...

They turn a corner out of sight.

INT. DINING ROOM/REC ROOM

Bobby leads Craig into a large multi-purpose room, where tenor so PATIENTS are scattered about.

BOBBY:

We spend a lot of time in here. Rightthere you got your dining roomsituation; rec room area is over there.

They got a record player, buteverything’s scratched.

Craig notices a ping-pong table by the windows.

BOBBY:

Folks play table tennis sometimes. Did

they tell you about the points?

CRAIG:

For ping-pong?

BOBBY:

Some people call it ping-pong, but Ithink that trivializes the sport.

Craig nods.

BOBBY:

But I’m talking about the other points.

You need’m for privileges, like hangingin the rec room, trips to the giftshop, sh*t like that.

Craig makes eye contact with a white-bearded guy, ROGER, whoappears to stare straight through Craig into anotherdimension.

BOBBY:

Hey, man, if you’re really interested,

you can join them.

CRAIG:

Join them? Uh, no, I’m cool, thanks.

BOBBY:

Cool Craig. Copy that. Let’s move.

INT. HALLWAY- OUTSIDE THE SHOWER ROOM

Bobby points out a sliding latch on the door.

BOBBY:

Okay, this is the shower. It doesn’t

have a lock, see? So when you’reinside, you put this to occupied.

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