It's Kind of a Funny Story Page #4

GEORGE:

Yeah, when can I join?

ALYSSA:

Me too. Can I stay too?

LYNN:

We can visit, honey.

CRAIG:

They took my cell phone, so some peoplemight try to call the house. Please

don’t tell them where I am.

Lynn nods, hands Craig a small duffel bag.

LYNN:

Here are some clothes and toiletries.

Let us know if you need anything else.

GEORGE:

And I brought this... in case you havesome free time in here.

George hands Craig a stack of academic-looking forms. Craigtentatively takes them. Lynn shoots George a hard look.

LYNN:

But don’t worry about that applicationstuff right now. Just get some rest.

Try to eat something.

INT. DINING ROOM - LUNCHTIME

A serving of curry chicken is placed on Craig’s tray. Craigwinces.

SERVER:

Want broccoli?

CRAIG (V.O.)

Sometimes I have trouble eating.

INT. SLOOTERS RESTAURANT - FLASHBACK - NIGHT

SUPER:
1 YEAR AGO

Craig, George, Lynn, and Alyssa eat dinner at a corner booth.

CRAIG (V.O.)

The first time I experienced stressvomiting was at Slooters downtown.

GEORGE:

Hey, Craig, how’s your Intro to WallStreet class?

Craig vomits on the table. His family stares in shock.

CRAIG:

I think I’m depressed.

CRAIG (V.O.)

Ever since, my eating has kinda becomea litmus test for how well I’m doing.

BACK TO CRAIG IN THE DINING ROOM

Tray in hand, Craig surveys the room, finds an empty section

between a group of teenage girls and a table of grown men

(Bobby among them).

Craig sits in the neutral territory, at the far end of thegirls’ table. There are three: JENNIFER has black hair with

a blue streak in it; she’s a pretty hot teen transvestite.

BECCA is a big girl. Noelle is the third.

Craig stares at his food for a beat. He can’t help but

overhear the girls playing some kind of game, listing off

names.

JENNIFER:

Hunter Thompson.

BECCA:

Virginia Woolf.

NOELLE:

Ian Curtis.

BECCA:

Who?

NOELLE:

Dude from Joy Division. Hung himself.

JENNIFER:

Kurt Cobain.

BECCA:

Freud.

JENNIFER:

Cobain to Freud?

BECCA:

Drug addicts.

JENNIFER:

Nice. Okay, um... Ernest Hemmingway--

(off their blank looks)

Old man beards.

They laugh.

NOELLE:

Salvador Allende.

JENNIFER:

Jesus, girl, can you pick somebodywe’ve heard of for once?

NOELLE:

Chilean president. Shot himself rather

than surrender to a fascist military

coup.

BECCA:

I don’t think that counts.

NOELLE:

Of course, it counts.

JENNIFER:

If he was going to die anyway, itdoesn’t count.

NOELLE:

(to Craig)

Hey, new guy.

CRAIG:

Me?

NOELLE:

No, the other new guy. What’s your

name?

CRAIG:

Ah, Craig.

NOELLE:

Well, Ah Craig, what do you think?

Does Salvador Allende count as a

celebrity suicide?

Craig stares at her in disbelief.

NOELLE:

Hello?

CRAIG:

Um, I don’t...

BOBBY:

Hey, kid... Don’t get caught up in the

girls’ morbid mind games. Come eat

with the men.

Craig looks back and forth between the two intimidating

groups.

JENNIFER:

Don’t worry, Craig. Who knows? Maybe

one day you’ll make the list.

Craig stares at the giggling girls, then slides a few feetcloser to Bobby’s table.

Bobby introduces Craig to the others.

BOBBY:

Craig, meet my old pal Johnny.

Craig nods to JOHNNY (mid 30s with a 1950s rock-a-billyhairdo).

BOBBY:

And this clown is Humble.

HUMBLE, a pudgy former Kojak stand-in, nods hello. He speakswith a mouth full of food.

HUMBLE:

You gotta girlfriend?

BOBBY:

He’s workin’ on it.

HUMBLE:

They got some cute ones your age.

JOHNNY:

I had a lotta women in my day, kid.

CRAIG:

Yeah?

JOHNNY:

You don’t have to act so surprised, butyes, yes I had a lotta women. And, no,

I’m not the best looking cat on thestreet. But you wanta know the secretto keeping any woman under your spell?

Craig eagerly awaits the answer.

JOHNNY:

I love you.

HUMBLE:

That’s it?

JOHNNY:

That’s it. But it don’t hurt if youcan play guitar.

BOBBY:

Don’t mess with the kid’s head; he’salready screwed up enough.

HUMBLE:

Why you so screwed up, kid?

CRAIG:

Um...

BOBBY:

Mind your business, Humble.

HUMBLE:

That’s cool. But you should know,

Craig, if you don’t open up, you’re notgoing to heal.

Humble slides away. The others continue eating, but Craighasn’t touched his plate.

BOBBY:

What’s the pot up to?

JOHNNY:

Eleven.

BOBBY:

Eleven? Yesterday we had twelve.

JOHNNY:

Humble ate a buck.

BOBBY:

Humble ate a buck?

JOHNNY:

The professor bet him a dollar hewouldn’t eat it... He won.

BOBBY:

What is the world coming to? Bunch of

freaks.

CRAIG:

What’s the money for?

BOBBY:

Pizza party. We’re sick of eating this

crap. They say we can have one, but wegotta pay for it ourselves...

CRAIG:

I have eight dollars.

BOBBY:

Well don’t go bragging about it, Craig.

People in here don’t have anything.

Learn to show some humility.

CRAIG:

Oh, I didn’t mean-

BOBBY:

--Don’t worry about it. You’re youngstill.

Smitty strolls behind Craig, notices his uneaten food.

SMITTY:

You get two points for eating, Craig.

Craig stares at his plate. Tries a bite. Throws up.

Everyone stares at Craig in shock. Noelle smiles.

CRAIG:

Sorry.

INT. DR. MINERVA’S OFFICE - DAY

CLOSE ON Dr. Minerva’s breasts behind a rust red sweater.

She’s looking at Craig’s file, off-screen.

Craig glances up from her breasts, noting how the shade ofher lipstick matches her sweater to perfection.

DR. MINERVA

So Craig, how are you adjusting toThree North?

CRAIG:

Uh... Okay, I guess.

DR. MINERVA

Dr. Mahmoud wrote that you were takingZoloft, but went off it three weeks

ago. Is that right?

CRAIG:

Yeah.

DR. MINERVA

Do you see a therapist?

CRAIG:

Dr. Yanof prescribed me the Zoloft. I

see her every, you know... month or so.

DR. MINERVA

Why did you stop taking it?

CRAIG:

I guess I felt better. Like I didn’t

need it anymore.

DR. MINERVA

Maybe that’s because it was working.

Craig shrugs, smiles awkwardly, as Dr. Minerva scribblessomething in the file.

DR. MINERVA

Can you describe for me how you werefeeling right before coming here thismorning?

Craig shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

CRAIG:

I dunno. Depressed... anxious...

stressed.

DR. MINERVA

Have you been experiencing more stressthan usual lately?

Craig nods.

DR. MINERVA

Any reason in particular?

CRAIG:

Well, there’s this Franklin GatesSummer Semester thing that my Dad--

Well, that I really want to get into.

The application’s due in a week and Ihaven’t even looked at it yet.

DR. MINERVA

Why not?

CRAIG:

It’s like, every time I think about it,

my mind starts this cycling thing aboutnot getting in.

DR. MINERVA

What would happen if you didn’t get in?

CAMERA PUSHES IN on Craig, who shoots us a subtle glance.

CRAIG (V.O.)

What would happen if I didn’t get in?

INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY

CLOSE ON blank extracurricular section of application.

CRAIG (V.O.)

Then I wouldn’t be able to put it on mycollege applications. Which means...

INT. IVY LEAGUE CLASSROOM - DAY

TRACK past rows of college-age STUDENTS to 16 year-old Craig,

eagerly raising his hand.

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