It's Kind of a Funny Story Page #5

PROFESSOR (O.S.)

Mr. Gilner.

CRAIG (V.O.)

...I wouldn’t get into a good college.

COLLEGE CRAIG:

(answering his professor)

But not even Adam Smith could have

foreseen the inequities of moderncapitalism.

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY

PUSH IN on Craig (still sixteen) behind the Presidentialpodium.

CRAIG (V.O.)

If I didn’t get into a good college, Iwouldn’t have a good job.

PRESIDENT CRAIG:

Well, I’m glad you asked that, Helen.

Diffusing the situation in Iran throughunilateral diplomacy is my top priorityas Commander in Chief.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

An MTV CRIBS episode exploring Craig’s presidential home.

Craig, wearing a silk and fox fur bathrobe invites the videocrew through his front door.

CRAIG (V.O.)

Which means I wouldn’t be able to

afford a good lifestyle.

INT. MARTINI BAR - NIGHT

A dapper Craig, sporting an Armani suit and sunglasses,

toasts martini glasses with his glamorous girlfriends.

CRAIG (V.O.)

So I wouldn’t be able to find a

girlfriend.

INT. CRAIG’S BEDROOM - DAY

Rain pours down, as a sad Craig stares at the clouds throughthe window.

CRAIG (V.O.)

Which means I’d probably get depressed.

INT. CRAIG’S THREE NORTH BEDROOM- DAY

CLOSE ON Craig in bed, staring off.

CRAIG (V.O.)

So I wouldn’t be able to get out ofbed.

We ZOOM OUT to reveal Craig curled in fetal position onMuqtada’s bed.

CRAIG (V.O.)

And I’d end up like Muqtada in a placelike this for the rest of my life.

Craig turns to the camera.

CRAIG:

So-- what would happen if I didn't getin...?!

INT. DR. MINERVA’S OFFICE - DAY

Craig stares at Dr. Minerva. A bead of sweat drips down hisforehead. He gives a shrug and awkward smile.

CRAIG:

I dunno. It’s hard to explain.

She hands him a tissue to wipe his sweat. He does.

DR. MINERVA

Well, do you have anyone you can

explain it to? Friends? Family?

CRAIG:

Um... I have friends... and family.

But it’s not always easy...

DR. MINERVA

It's important to have a supportsystem. People you can really talk to.

Craig nods, wipes his forehead again.

DR. MINERVA

Have you been experiencing any

symptoms... other than sweating?

CRAIG:

Eating. I have problems eating. I

can’t, you know, keep it down.

Dr. Minerva takes more notes.

DR. MINERVA

So we’ll get you back on the Zoloft,

and you’ll start group activitiestomorrow. We’ll check in again onTuesday. Do you have any questions?

CRAIG:

If I’m, you know... feeling better, youthink I can get out of here, like,

tomorrow? I have school and this

application, and-

DR. MINERVA

Five days, Craig. Minimum. This mightfeel like a strange place at first, buttry to make the most of it. We’ll hold

your evaluation on Thursday.

Craig nods, looks out the office window to the bustlingBrooklyn street-life below.

TITLE OVER BLACK: “MONDAY: DAY TWO”

CRAIG (V.O.)

It’s Monday...

INT. CRAIG’S THREE NORTH BEDROOM - DAY

Craig’s eyes pop open in bed. He looks over to Muqtada,

SNORING LOUDLY in the bed next to him.

CRAIG (V.O.)

I shouldn’t be waking up next to somedepressive middle-aged Egyptian dude.

INT. SHOWER ROOM - DAY

Craig awkwardly extends one arm, keeping the door shut, whilethe other lathers up his body.

CRAIG (V.O.)

I shouldn’t be showering on a co-edfloor in a stall without a lock.

Jennifer attempts to enter the room, wearing a shower cap,

but Craig’s security arm forces the door shut.

INT. MEDS STATION - DAY

We TRACK along a line of adult patients, downing their medsin dixie cups. We STOP on little Craig at the end of theline.

CRAIG (V.O.)

I shouldn’t be lining up for medsbehind schizophrenics and sociopaths.

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY

Craig stares at his breakfast burrito.

CRAIG (V.O.)

It’s Monday; I should be in school...

But I guess that’s what got me here inthe first place.

EXT. 1950S B & W STOCK FOOTAGE

Boring white-bread High-Schoolers going to class.

CRAIG (V.O.)

When my parents went to school, theyjust went to the one closest to theirhouse. Makes sense, right? A lot of

places are still like this: Cleveland,

probably Denver. But not New York.

EXT. CLASSROOM - DAY

CRAIG (V.O.)

You’ve got schools for science geekslike-

We TRACK along a complicated physics equation on the dryerase board, stopping on a SCIENCE GEEK who turns to camera-

SCIENCE GEEK:

Bronx High School of Science.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM

CRAIG (V.O.)

Schools for thespians...

Two TEEN ACTORS rehearse on stage, while a young DIRECTORaddresses us from the balcony.

DIRECTOR:

La Guardia High School for the

Performing Arts.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT

CRAIG (V.O.)

Do-gooders.

Young activists walk the picket line holding signs, whiletheir teen leader addresses us.

DO-GOODER

El Puente Academy for Peace and

Justice.

EXT. EXECUTIVE PRE-PROFESSIONAL HIGH SCHOOL

CRAIG (V.O.)

But the most competitive of all NewYork City Public Schools is this one.

Executive Pre-Professional. My school.

TRACK IN ON DIGNIFIED PORTRAIT OF GERARD LUTZ

CRAIG (V.O.)

This billionaire philanthropist namedGerard Lutz set it up in conjunctionwith the public school system.

INT. EPPHS HALLWAY - DAY

CAMERA FLOATS down the hall with KIDS passing in and out offrame on the way to class.

CRAIG (V.O.)

So it’s not some private school forelite upper-east-siders. You can be on

welfare and food stamps or your parentscan own an island in the South Pacific.

It doesn’t matter.

Craig emerges from the group, staring into camera.

CRAIG:

You’ll be accepted as long as you’reone of the 800 smartest, mostaccomplished students in the fiveboroughs.

INT. EPPHS LIBRARY - DAY

FLASH ON a YOUNG INDIAN GIRL seated at her desk. She glancesup from her book, Noam Chomsky’s “Hegemony or Survival.”

SUPER:
SAHARA PATEL - SAT: 2380 GRE: 1530 (5.5 Writing)

LSAT:
174 MCAT: 42 (S Writing)

FLASH ON a YOUNG AFRICAN-AMERICAN KID. He glances up fromhis book, Darwin’s “Origin of Species.”

SUPER:
JAMES HOWARD - 3 time winner of the F. Gates YoungGenius Trophy (2003, 2005, 2006)

FLASH ON a WHITE HIPSTER KID - Craig’s friend, Aaron, reading

from Joe Sacco’s graphic novel, “Palestine.”

SUPER:
AARON FITZCARRALDO - Winner of the inaugural EdisonYoung Inventors Cup (2006); 2 time winner of the F. Gates

Young Genius Trophy (2002, 2004); Doubles badminton Olympicgold medalist (2008)

FLASH ON 14-year-old Craig. He reads from the book “Be More

Chill.”

SUPER:
CRAIG GILNER -

We hold for a beat, then...

CRAIG (V.O.)

There must have been a serious clerical

error, because somehow... I got in.

INT. AARON’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Seated on the floor around an enormous scattered record

collection, Aaron and Nia look off-screen at Craig.

AARON/NIA

(in unison)

Me too.

Aaron and Nia exchange surprised looks.

AARON/NIA

(again in unison)

You too?

They crack up laughing. Nia playfully punches Aaron’s armand we FREEZE-

CRAIG (V.O.)

That’s my best friend, Aaron, gettingflirt-punched by Nia for the firsttime. There were many more of those.

Followed by hand-holding...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes