It's Not My Fault and I Don't Care Anyway Page #3

So that everybody wondered

if Johnny really had

a demon after all.

You gonna pay now?

Okay! Okay! Okay.

I felt pretty bad

about it, but whenever I did

I'd just get high some more.

At this point I realized

that I was turning into an

actual criminal. And

I wasn't proud of it at all.

But I also knew it was one of

the only class of people that

could get high all the time.

Pretty soon after that,

we heard about Diana.

So, I started seeing this I

guy who I bought coke from.

Now, how do I know you're not

just using me for my cocaine?

Well, how do I know you

are just using me for my body?

I guess mainly cause

I ain't used your body yet.

Well then, mister.

We are behind schedule.

His name was Lil Charles.

It was one of those

ironic nicknames.

And like he was beautiful.

He has this scar on his chin.

And that's the adventure

scar and I know cause

Indiana Jones has one.

And like everything

would have been fine,

except I wanted

to go to his place.

He liked it at my dad's place,

but I specifically wanted

to f*** at his place in

the hood cause I thought

it'd be hotter.

So, you know.

But also, I was right,

it was stupid good.

F*** yes!

- We'd f*** like we

were in the Olympics.

If there was an

Olympics for f***ing.

Which would probably be

pretty good for the ratings.

And uhm,

he bragged about me, and like,

that's why people knew

about it, but he

wasn't in on it.

Like he's questionable,

sure but, he's good at heart.

So, I was over at

Johnny's place making banana

pancakes for me and Charles,

Moose and Johnny

and some girls were there.

And I can't really cook, but

I can make banana pancakes and

spaghetti sauce and chili

which is just spaghetti sauce

with beans and chili powder.

And,

uhhh, sorry.

Anyway, Lil Charles is

bragging about Diana.

She is white, rich, sweet,

she generates her own heat,

you know what'm sayin'?

And she knows she

ain't 'sposed to be f***ing with

no kid from the block, but

that's what she likes about it.

You feel me? It's like it

flips the freak-switch,

makes her pistol-hot,

like a preacher's daughter

or a Mormon or some sh*t.

Goddamn, goddamn!

You say she rich?

Yeah man.

Why she rich?

Her Daddy is some big

ass self-help guy, right?

It's almost like

a church he's got.

People worship the motherfucka.

Patrick Spencer.

Wait. Patrick Spencer. Da guy

from da TV all f***in hours.

The infomercials.

That's him.

Da guy with the books and

everything and da sold out

shows at the convention centre?

Cocaine bring people together

from all walks of life, J.

True that, dog.

Okay.

We gonna boost her.

What?

Dis little rich girl

o' yours. We gone boost her.

For da ransom.

Nay. We ain't gotta

do all that, J.

Bottlecap.

Google me dis.

How much dis Spencer

man worth in Dollars?

Eighty six million.

Okay we can't afford to

not boost dis little girl.

Dats money on da

f***ing table, G.

But she's a good customer man.

Her and her friends...

Is she ten million Dollars good?

Nah, Lil one.

Let's make a plan.

Nah. I'm outta this one.

You ain't out on sh*t.

You're, you da bait.

What is dis.

F***in art?

I love you too, Giantman.

And then they got into it.

You know, like it

was a staff meeting.

We need some sh*t

to knock her out.

What's dat stuff

from the old movies?

Chloroform.

Does dat even exist?

I'll look it up.

But I guess it was

like anything else we did.

We did terrible illegal

stuff all the time.

We were criminals.

It was our job.

And sometimes it's part

of your job not to care

about things, right?

So we boost Diana.

We burst into the

room and they were...

They were making sex in there.

Ha, ha, haaa! Goddamn,

crime is so fock'n easy.

I don't know why everyone

not do it, ya know.

I felt bad.

Not only to interrupt,

but she was naked.

The only thing worse

than getting kidnapped

is to get kidnapped naked.

Why do you have to hit her, man?

Chloroform only

work in da movies.

You said you wouldn't hurt her.

I say a lotta tings.

Giantman, take her away.

You, you not playing.

I wrapped her up in the sheet.

That way she was kinda dressed.

Then I wouldn't be touching

a naked girl, which you

can't do without permission.

She looks so small.

Charlie said her father

was the king of self help.

I guess that made

her a princess.

The princess of

helping yourself.

That was, I think, like,

ironic because she couldn't

help herself at all.

All knocked out and

kidnapped by a giant.

So. I know it's a clich in

therapy to blame your parents

for everything, but I

do think it's significant that

my Mom was suicidally depressed,

and my Dad doesn't care

about me, on purpose.

So, imagine me, 14,

with this depressed Mom.

Daddy's home.

And I hope, are

you feeling better.

My dad still cared,

but also he was a drunk.

And how was your day?

It was okay.

- Honestly, it wasn't

even that bad.

My drunk dad at least tried.

But then one day, bam!

Just like that, a whole new guy.

- Hey dear.

Move over and watch this.

What are you doing?

I am about to write

a great book and I

cannot stop until it's done.

Sometimes people

ask me, how did I become me?

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

I looked into the abyss, and

the abyss looked back into me.

See, I was a drunk,

throwing my life away

with the city's trash.

My marriage was a disaster.

My wife was an anchor.

My daughter was livid.

My headcastle stuffed

with my demons.

And my only comfort

was a steady supply

of my drug of choice.

On the fateful morning I

had awakened from a terrible

bender and my self-loathing

was at it's peak.

I was thinking,

"Why can't I stop drinking?

For my family."

Was I a terrible person?

Or are these

the wrong questions?

Was my responsibility to

them a reason not to drink,

or was it the very reason

I drank in the first place?

And the lights went on!

I finally knew why I drank.

I drank because I was

not living for myself.

The tension of living in

servitude of other people,

it tore at my soul, and my only

comfort was that anesthetic.

I mumbled it at first,

the phrase that would

become famous. I repeated

it to myself, until I was

shouting it to the heavens.

It's not my fault and

I don't care anyway!

Good bye.

Well, I brought these

ideas into my practice as

a public speaking instructor.

And this was when

I became more than that.

This was when I became,

as some say,

dangerous.

Yes, to this I say,

Yes I am dangerous!

Dangerous to the stale,

middle-of-the-road,

that is modern human life. Why?

Why?

Why are we flushing our lives

down some corporate toilet,

not even reaping the rewards!

Instead, it all goes to wives

and husbands and children

and taxes and charities

and other such parasites.

They will pull you under!

It is you or them.

Choose you.

God knows, I chose me.

Hello?!

Hello!!

Hello!!!

Is anyone there?

I'm here.

Hi?

Hi.

You're Diana, right?

Yeah. What's your name?

Johnny says we're

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