It's Tough to Be Famous Page #7

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The papers are playing it up

and his popularity is increasing

by leaps and bounds.

The dog angle

caught the public fancy.

Ole's boat docks this morning.

He'll be welcomed by the mayor

on the steps of the city hall.

And they're giving him

a triumphal parade

and all the trimmings.

[scoffing]

Poor guy.

(Chapin)

'Oh, no. Oh, no.

You're the poor guy.'

'That big dumb squarehead

has just pushed you off'

'of the front page.'

(Boynton)

'And we've just heard that

the Atlas Gyroscope Company'

'one of our

most serious competitors'

is fixing to take Olafson

into the firm as Vice President.

My heart bleeds for him.

- Oh, Scott.

- Man, this is no joke.

Why, with his name

and his prestige

the Atlas Company's liable to

take away a lot of our business.

Now, Scotty, listen,

don't you realize

that Ole is the ideal

national hero?

He's big, handsome, dumb,

got a nice smile.

And he doesn't speak enough

English to antagonize anybody.

And there's the dog angle.

You didn't have that.

- I'll get a dog if you want...

- Oh, now wait a minute.

Your problem and our problem

is to get you on the front page.

Back in the public eye quick.

Scotty, you got to do

something so sensational

that the people will forget

all about Ole Olafson.

How about a good trunk murder?

(Boynton)

'No, that's the wrong kind

of publicity.'

(Chapin)

'S.J. and I have

got just the thing'

'if you'll stop wisecracking

and cooperate with us.'

Well?

You head a scientific expedition

up the Amazon river.

And we equip the submarine

with Boynton gyroscopes.

- Submarine?

- Well, naturally.

The thing that you're identified

with in the public fancy.

Why, of course. It's perfect.

Now, look, we can buy the S89

from the government for apples.

Make a few repairs, put you

in command of the expedition

and, boy, we've got the world's

greatest setup for publicity.

What do you think

of it, Scotty?

Well, words fail me.

But, Scotty, look..

[band music]

[music continues]

[indistinct shouting]

Well, what do you

think of that?

The big squarehead.

[music continues]

There, you see?

Now do you believe

it's serious?

If we don't act immediately,

Ole and the Atlas people

will push the ground

right out from under our feet.

Scotty, will you go

on this expedition?

Gentlemen, don't you see

how stupid it all is?

I'm not a scientist.

I don't know a flora

from a... from a fauna.

And what can you see

from a submarine?

Water. Just water.

We know that, but the chump

public won't stop to think

about anything, but the hero of

the S89 going down a mysterious

romantic South American river

in a submarine.

'Why, the moving picture rights

alone will be worth a fortune.'

- I have a better idea.

- 'What?'

I was an All-American end.

Why can't I play football

through the jungle?

Why, that's insane!

No more than your scientific

expedition on the S89

after you've got it all

patched up with spit and glue.

McClenahan, I don't like

your spirit at all.

You've done nothing,

but laugh at us

and kid every suggestion

that we make.

Alright, I'll stop kidding.

Here's a very serious remark.

I'm positive that the S89

is so badly damaged

that it can never

be made seaworthy again.

The first time it submerges

it'll stay there.

That your whole expedition

and every lunatic on it

will remain

at the bottom of the ocean.

- 'That's not true!'

- 'Ridiculous!'

Alright, gentlemen,

you asked me for my opinion.

I gave it.

[band music]

McClenahan? No more arguments.

Either you

head our expedition

or you leave

this firm immediately.

Alright.

If you do, you and I

are all washed up.

That's swell!

You're gonna take your firm

and your stupid expedition

and your movie rights

and newspaper articles

and radio speeches and do

anything you please with them!

I felt for a long time

that I was underpaid.

- 'Underpaid? Why you... '

- Yes, yes, I know.

I get 80,000 dollars a year

from you.

Two years ago I was broke.

Then I had an accident.

I was hardly conscious

before you were around me

like a flock of buzzards

trying to cash in on it.

You've even taken

my wife away from me

with your filthy ballyhoo.

You've taken away every single

blessed thing I care about.

My privacy,

my self-respect, my life.

I've made faces.

I've made speeches.

I've shaken hands

and drooled into microphones.

Being a hero to me has just

meant wishing I was dead.

It's been a swell show,

gentlemen.

We've had a long run

and collected a lot of dough.

But the show's over. Do you

understand that? It's over!

Finished! And I'm going home!

[door slams shut]

- You think you can swing it?

- Well, I'll bust a lung trying.

- Yes.

- What's he saying?

Shh.

Are you positive

you'll do it for 100,000?

Alright, it's a deal.

S.J., the Boynton gyroscope

submarine expedition

to the Amazon will be headed

by Ole Olafson and his dog.

Joe, you're a genius.

[S.J. laughs]

Well, if you're set

on having a divorce

I can't stop you.

The trouble with our marriage

has been too much love

and not enough real friendship.

Oh, bunk.

The reason for our squabbles has

been all this stupid publicity

and hero-worship business.

I don't want a divorce.

Unless I'm convinced that

we can't make a go of marriage.

Scotty... will you try

something for a while?

Sure. What?

Try being pals again.

Like we were

before we got married.

I'll live with my folks

and you live with Moms.

We could see each other

whenever we like.

Only no lovemaking.

- You serious?

- Never more so in my life.

I've got to have time

to find out

if we really care

for each other.

Or if it's, well,

animal attraction.

Will you be a good sport

and... humor me?

I don't see any sense to it.

But I'm so goofy about you

I'll stand on my head

if it'll make you happy.

Is it a bond?

Sure.

What a sap a guy is

to fall in love.

[laughing]

Oh!

No winding Dr. Cluck's tock?

Not even a little bit?

No, darling.

Not for a while.

[peppy music]

Janet, you've got to

make up your mind.

I can't stand

anymore of this.

Either you are my wife

or you're not.

You promised to let me decide

that, didn't you, Scotty?

Thought you weren't gonna rush

me or force me into a decision.

I suppose it

flatters your vanity

to keep me dangling

like this, hmm?

Oh, let's go home.

- That's alright.

- Thank you, sir.

Like to play

some golf tomorrow?

No, thanks.

Mother and dad

are going out tomorrow night.

And I'll be all alone

for dinner.

Too bad.

How about coming over?

I don't think so, thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Gee, you can be mean. When you

really put your mind to it.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Would you rather not see me

for... a couple of days?

That's for you to decide.

And... of course,

I'm not gonna rush you

or force you into a decision.

Goodnight.

[car door closing]

[engine revving]

[crying]

(female #1)

'Is that you, Janet dear?'

Yes.

'Did you have a good time?'

Wonderful.

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