It's Us

---

Actors are so f***ing dumb.

I mean, I just

f***ing hate when they

think that they matter.

So, you made a career

of making them think

that they matter?

But, you like having

nice things. Right?

No, come on, dude.

That guy's

a f***ing joke.

I mean, showing up

without shoes to an event

like that, so...

I mean I get it.

But, to make

that much of an effort.

And that f***ing

Rodney Dangerfield blazer?

Grow up!

He has the f***ing balls

to call me stiff.

We're the people

that get them paid.

And he has the f***ing

gall to call me

a f***ing...

I should have just

knocked him out.

But what happens then?

I lose my f***ing job.

- Right?

- Hmm

I mean...

F***ing sh*t!

I got f***ing poor man's

Aaron Eckhart, f***ing razzie

me in front of all my f***ing...

Who the f*** is he?

He's a f***ing

45-year-old nobody

sitting around, eating cereal,

playing Call of Duty, while

we all f***ing work for him.

What a f***ing loser!

I mean, Hung was

a mediocre show.

What else has he done?

Wasn't he in Boogie Nights?

Wait, who's f***ing side

are you on?

Well, you asked a question.

Yeah, but I didn't want

an answer 'cause it's gonna make

me look like a dipshit.

I'm sorry, Joe.

It's okay, Joe.

It's just, f***!

This f***ing town.

Knowing aside,

I'll f***ing behave.

Hey.

- Hey. Hey. Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

- Holy sh*t!

- What, what, what, what?

Oh f***! Dude, dude, dude,

what the f*** are you doing?

What the f*** is this?

You can't keep doing this sh*t.

-What?

-I just missed the f***ing...

Oh, cock sandwich!

Then just f***ing circle

back around.

"Circle back around!"

It's not f***ing that...

It's f***ing harder than that.

Well, I'm sorry.

It was a false alarm anyway.

I thought that it

said that we got picked up.

And that we were waiting to hear

if we got picked up.

Okay, so, we missed the turn,

almost wrecked the car...

because of a false alarm

on a web series wardrobe gig?

- Correct me if I'm wrong.

- Don't be a dick.

No, no, no, I'm not.

I'm just fact checking.

If that's the reason...

And now I'm circling around,

and I'm gonna want a fat burger

and that's literally, the last

f***ing thing that I want.

- Or I could go Jack in the Box?

- Not for a web series.

Okay.

I let the first one go. I did.

But, you're that much

of a f***ed up a**hole

that you actually

need to make this a thing?

No, no, no.

See, I am just a guy.

Who realizes that

there is a lot of f***ing

one way streets

- down here.

- No, you're just...

- such a miserable

prick sometimes. You know that?

-Yeah.

I mean...

All I do is listen you talk

about how you f***ing

hate actors?

Okay, whoa, just.

You weren't

f***ing listening. Okay?

Because you were swiping

you clammy clam fingers

all over your f***ing phone.

All I'm trying to do

is drive us home.

And vent to my f***ing wife.

And to me that seems like pretty

f***ing reasonable f***ing

thing to do.

But all you do is vent.

That's all you f***ing do.

"I hate myself, I wanna kill

myself, I wanna f***ing

shoot myself."

It's all I ever hear.

What do you mean, clam fingers?

Okay, first of all,

I didn't say I wanted

to shoot myself.

Yet, tonight, so, obviously

you weren't listening.

- All I do is listen.

- "All I do is listen."

Okay.

Okay, case in point,

do you see what I mean?

See how much it f***ing

sucks that we missed

that f***ing turn.

'Cause you're f***ing...

It's just f***ing super

not chill, dude

I am just saying.

You're a 33-year-old man.

You can't say

"super not chill" anymore.

It makes it tough

to be your wife.

I'm just saying.

You know what? The f***ing

self allotted, ten pound,

fluctuation buffer

that you give yourself,

it makes it tough

to be your husband.

Five is ample, sweetheart.

Five is ample. Okay?

What's up?

What's up?

- No. Nothing. Nothing.

- No, please.

-Indulge me, please.

What d'you got?

-It's nothing.

It's just that there's

so much of your

mother in you.

Just like, nasty,

out of nowhere.

And you know what, it's scary.

You should be on something.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

You just say anything that's

gonna make me f***ing put

a knife in both of our bellies.

But, I'll tell you,

it's not gonna work.

It's not gonna

f***ing work.

Because you're dumb.

That's all.

I know, I just oft worry

about how you

navigate the day.

But, that's all.

Those are my concerns.

Because I'm in this too.

It's you and me, right?

So I see you got out of bed

in the morning and you get

in bed at night...

But it's all that space

in between where I'm consumed

with worry and wonder.

I'm consumed with wonder

how you do it.

-Pull the car over.

- I'm not.

- Pull the f***ing car over!

-Shut the f*** up.

What're you doing?

-Pull the f***ing car over.

- I can't. I gotta get on the...

- I can't figure it out.

- Pull the f***ing car over.

- Okay. Jesus f***ing Christ.

Dude. F*** me.

You could've told me

you're such a big fan of Hung.

What the f*** are you doing?

Dude, don't f***ing hit

the driver.

Re you f***ing shitting me?

Dude, shut the f***, what

the f*** are you doing? Do not

hit the f***ing driver.

You gotta be shitting me.

Don't hit the f***ing driver.

You don't hit

the f***ing driver.

That's the f***ing rule.

Don't hit the driver.

-Joe, get in the car.

What are you doing?

-No f***ing Joe. No Joe.

This isn't a great place

to prove a f***ing point, okay?

-Yeah, okay.

-Get in the car,

we're going home.

-No, leave me.

-What, you're gonna walk around

at two f***ing a.m.?

No, I'm gonna call Rachel and

have her come and pick me up.

-Get in the car, we're gonna go

home.

-You're not gonna touch me.

You're not gonna

f***ing touch me.

- Get in the car.

- Don't f***ing touch me.

-Don't f***ing touch me.

Don't touch me.

-All right.

What the f***, dude?

Hands off my f***ing lid.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

Okay, okay.

Do you see? See that right now?

See, I'm stronger than you.

Physically. A lot stronger,

all right? Okay?

And that's what matters.

Right now that's what matters.

So you touch my f***ing hair

again, and all that's

f***ing off. Got it?

We're done.

Great.

-Okay, let's just f***ing go

home. Jack in the box is fine.

-No.

- Hey.

- F*** hey! We're done-done.

You're a f***ing joke.

Argh! My f***ing elbow! F***!

- We haven't had sex in...

- A week.

Sixteen days.

Hey, come on.

I figured how important

that is, you know.

We just had a nice time.

Would you like some more coffee?

- Sure.

- Okay, here.

It's almost done, just...

Brush fire.

I take you to places

You've never been

No, I'm not a cold hard man

Ow

Ow

No...

-Okay, we didn't screw it

away, did we?

-No.

Oh, f***.

- I'm sorry.

- That's not gonna cut it.

All right, well, I remember

us both being pretty sorry

couple of minutes ago

when you were, you know, before,

when you were...

Okay, I mean, for both of us.

I mean, look at your face.

No one in the world

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