It's Us Page #2

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makes me as angry

as you do.

Well, that has to count

for something then,

doesn't it?

I don't know how I get so mean?

God, we can't do this anymore.

You just said that I do

something that nobody else

in the world can do.

So if I take that thing and make

it a positive, you just have

to believe that I can.

No, no, dumb-dumb, it's not

necessarily that. It's this.

It's all of this.

-It's all of this,

something has to change, or...

-Or?

- No.

- I know. But, but...

Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

- Hey.

Come here.

Okay I'll come then.

- We gotta get out of here.

- Yeah.

- I can do it, buddy.

- No, No.

Yeah, that wasn't a...

Let's go. We'll go to Palm

Srings for the night. Get a room

at the Ace.

-No. That's not... Gross and no.

-I don't know what else

there is then.

- Yes, lowaska, dig?

- Joe.

Well, I don't even know what

we are talking about any more.

This place is toxic. That's what

we are talking about.

This place is toxic.

Which makes us toxic. The whole

thing, we can't...

We can't stay here.

Can we just start

with breakfast, please?

I'm being serious, if you try

hanging out with us.

Yeah, we are fun.

Need to be around.

Hey, Joe!

Joe. Joe!

Tina said that Dave has

a new hair loss treatment?

I think that we should maybe...

You know what I think it is?

I think if you

would just stand

up a little bit straighter

and throw your shoulders back,

and really just kind of...

I don't know.

I just think people

would take you more seriously.

I'm going to say

something

incredibly rude.

- And I think that that's...

- Don't.

I just don't care...

Your brain's a terrible

corner-back.

My brain's a terrible

quarterback?

Corner-back. It has bad coverage

in your mouth.

Please just shut the f*** up.

Okay, the worst of times,

I know. I get it.

But I have this thing

called my job.

Okay.

How many times in the last month

because of your job have you

threatened to kill yourself

or begged me to kill you?

F***! I wanna die.

Okay, what I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna cut my dick off.

And I'm gonna swallow it.

Softly, though.

Okay? So it lodges

in my esophagus

so if I don't choke to death

my dick stump will f***ing

bleed out.

I don't even deserve to kill

myself. That's how bad it is.

And that's why I must.

What do you suggest?

My parents' place in Vermont.

It'll be nice. Real nice.

Thursday through Sunday.

-We could be back Monday.

-They wanna sell it. They wanna

be in Florida.

Okay, I don't know much

about the...

housing market out there.

But I'm sure it's a good time...

I can't live here any more.

It's sunny everyday.

-Sunny everyday.

-I threw a bottle at you

last night.

Man, I don't know either, okay?

We gotta go.

I gotta go.

Or, or, I gotta go.

'Cause if we stay here,

then we're, we're...

I have a job, okay?

And you have a job.

And we have this f***ing house.

We can rent it.

So you threw a bottle

at me last night.

You call me fat.

Directly, twice a month.

Indirectly, I don't know.

I don't know. Who knows

how many times that is.

Not at all completely accurate,

'cause I'm merely suggesting

that you not get fat.

Because I am a victim

of my condition.

-'Cause I'm a victim

of my environment.

-That's what I'm saying.

That's cute. Okay.

Guess I've got to run up to

Chatsworth to buy James Franco's

little brother a bag of Molly.

On my Sunday.

Okay, now this time, when I drop

the meth and ask you to drop the

toaster in, you're gonna do it.

You get me?

Okay, okay.

I see what you did.

F***ing Vermont?

What are you gonna

do there?

I think it's good that

you're leaving

before the break.

Hold on, I got

something really

awesome for you.

Yeah, here look at this.

It's universe spray.

Cheddar cheese.

What do you gonna do out there?

I am gonna take Walt.

I'll tell you that much.

Oh, man, it's all happening.

My agent...

I'd like to think that,

you miss your friend too, right?

Don't get all

Jerry Maguire

on me.

F*ggot!

Do you still feel like

you wanna move back

after I sprayed it to you?

Trying to be romantic,

though, right?

When are we our worst?

When we're together.

Bit more specific.

- When we're in the car.

- Yeah.

What's up, dude?

- Hi.

- Hi.

Thanks.

- Oh what the f*** is that face?

- What? Why?

You just made the graduate face.

- F***.

- I did not just make!

- Do not f*** me here, Joe.

- -I am not gonna f*** you, Joe.

I am sorry. We swear a lot.

We bring out the worst

in each other.

Okay.

May I help you with your bags?

Yeah. Great. Sure.

- I guess I'll take this one?

- Grab that one.

Not as sketchy as it looks.

-It is wet.

-It's not wet.

Don't be a p*ssy.

Well, what do we do now?

I don't know.

Whatever we wanna do.

- Thinking it'll be good.

- Yeah. Me too.

- We're gonna go?

- Yes, Joe. We're gonna go.

- You wanna go. You wanna go.

- Yeah.

There you go.

- Love you.

- I love you.

I can actually, I swear I can

taste the local.

Do you taste the local?

'Cause this pig was raised just

down yonder river, just down

yonder river.

- Just down.

- It's not yonder country.

No. Downriver.

Oh, yonder. Yonder river.

-Okay.

-Also, I haven't looked

at my phone in how long?

- Big ups, right? For me.

- Yeah.

Got more. Take some more.

-This guy.

-You can't just ply me

with craft beers.

There's nary a 'G.' There's no

f***ing connection.

-And you knew this.

-I haven't lived here

in forever.

How am I supposed to know

if they don't put up a tower?

"If they don't put up a tower."

-Dude, honestly,

super not chill.

-No.

And I'm using that term

intentionally.

F***, that's good.

But I don't know how good

because my phone can't tell me.

Namaste.

- Oh, wow.

- This is my journey.

This is my journey.

Oh, what the f***?

What the f*** do we do now?

Talk. We can talk.

I don't even know what hospital

you were born in.

Fletcher Allen.

- In Burlington?

- Yes.

- What time?

- 6:
13. 6:13.

- A.m.?

- P.m.

- Oh, no, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.

That is so you. It's so

f***ing accommodating.

And you know what? You did that

because you wanted to hold that

over your parents' heads

for the rest of their lives.

I get it.

Very you.

What else?

- About?

- That day.

- The day I was born?

- Yes.

I don't remember.

Aside from the impeccable

timing. I don't know.

You'll have to ask my parents.

I know that the umbilical cord

was wrapped around my neck,

and my mother and I

both flat-lined but...

here we are.

God, it takes a lot of sh*t

to get here.

Every season of Alf? I watched

the sh*t out of Alf . I had

an Alf doll.

- Why're you eating jammy?

- I'm not eating jammy.

This is super f***ing

raspberry preserve.

- Not raspberry preserve.

- Yes, you put preserves.

- I'm not.

- You were putting them.

In fourth grade. I'm eleven

and she says...

So your parents

are getting divorced.

Yeah. She overheard

a conversation between my older

brother and her older sister.

My point is, even land mines

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