It's Us Page #3

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can f*** sh*t up, right?

Anyway, this little c*nt!

Ten year, that's

a ten-year-old c*nt.

That's good. That's healthy.

She said all this sh*t.

And all of a sudden...

And I'm like...

Literally, she can

f***ing little,

and the f***ing sky

is falling on me.

And...

I'm just f***ing bawling

uncontrollably, and...

I look back and I actually

f***ing feel bad for

that f***ing kid.

Oh, God! And that's when I

started f***ing being a dick.

Lee Oprah has told everyone

to give him a blow job...

For real. There aren't any

Hispanics in Vermont.

Okay, sorry.

We'll do that again.

No, but it was

just be weird because

After you told everyone that,

it's like the demographic

of whatever in my high school,

the demographic of people who

desired me

totally changed. All of a sudden

the grossest, seediest guys

were calling my house.

Your old man must have been

super pleased.

It's not like...

You didn't lose

your virginity to

Ben Ralthesberg, right?

- Honestly, Joe.

- I know. It's hard.

-We've been through

the darkness.

-I know, I know.

It's hard for me to know

who was first.

'Cause... Um...

There were two of them.

Damn.

Wait, what, in consecutive days?

Like a double team?

I was on a recruiting trip

to Tufts and we went to a party

at the Hockey House.

And there was this one hockey

player and he was really,

really, really sweet.

At that time, he was sweet.

But, I don't know.

Anyway, I think he was Canadian.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

- Just stop.

Where's the Xanax?

Where's the...

Is there, like, NyQuil?

I want you to stop.

Because you know what I can do?

I can unlearn this.

I can...

Jesus...

I can...

You think this was easy for me?

You think this was easy for me?

You said you had a two-girl

situation before we

got together.

Two vaginas aren't gonna f***ing

punish anybody.

It's two d*cks we're talking

about. Two hockey playing,

motherfucking d*cks.

Honestly, I would rather you

get f***ing voluntarily

gang banged

by a bunch of terrorists.

Please. Just.

Hockey players!

If you'd actually waited

and listened to the rest

of the story...

If you'd been

a f***ing friend...

You would have heard

that the second dick...

Wasn't... I didn't...

I'm trying to tell you something

like a really shitty moment

of my life right now.

Just to share that with you.

You can't make it

about you, Joe.

I'm going to bed.

Jerry!

Jer!

White Fang?

Jer, what the hell

are you doing?

He was actually just telling me

that reading is a waste of time.

Was he? Well, he's

f***ing grounded.

- Nelson, nice to meet you.

- You too.

What you guys doing?

You guys going to work?

Yeah, I am. I'm putting

a couple of lift hours

in a lodge in MadRiver.

He's gonna f***ing watch.

-Nice job.

-Yeah, it's pretty exciting.

Come on, Jerry. Let's go.

Get in the truck.

-Have a good one.

-You guys need a hand

or anything?

Yeah, I wish, right?

No, no, no.

Seriously.

Serious?

You just wanna make sure

you go with the grain.

Yeah. I'm not

a complete

f***ing p*ssy.

Sorry. I don't know if

Hollywood types know how to...

You skewered the f***

out of that.

F***, man. Kinda all

over the place.

Was in Breck for a minute.

Ended up moving back east

to work for a consulting firm.

- Sin City?

- Stamford, Connecticut.

Yuck!

- It's the pets.

- It was.

-What, did you get sick

of the office racket?

-Yeah.

And I was kinda f***ed up.

- How so?

- Doing a lot of blow.

Probably drinking too much.

Such is life.

Such is life. Plus, I f***ed

things up with the woman

I'm supposed to marry, so...

How about yourself?

Why did you leave sunny LA?

Well, it's actually not as sunny

as they say.

No, I don't know. It's...

'Cause my wife would

have killed me. Or worse.

Worse?

Left.

Look at that girl.

- My little Vermont Molly.

- Hi, Joe.

Thank you.

Hey, this is Nelson.

My new friend.

Nelson, this is that woman

I was telling you about.

That woman? That woman? Okay.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to see you Nelson Riley.

- You played hockey for Tufts?

- No.

- Shut your mouth.

- No, ski racing.

- What's it been, like 20 years?

- Do not say that.

That's not right.

Oh, my God.

He skied for GMVS.

-And you went

to Mount Mansfield?

-Yeah.

Hey man, why don't you just

stay over for dinner?

Do you mind if Nelson comes

over for supper and maybe bring

his little Jerry?

Well, as long as it's okay

with his parents? Is it okay

with your parents?

Yeah, that'll be great. I'll go

get changed and be back

in a bit.

- Okay.

- What're you gonna wear?

We don't wanna clash.

We don't wanna clash right up.

- Just, I'll figure.

- Okay.

He can stay with us.

Can he stay with us?

He can stay with us.

Yeah, sure.

Hey listen, do not f***

this up for me.

- They were really, really good.

- Yeah.

But you know who wasn't really

good? It was Paul Epstein.

- Yeah, Paul.

- Dick!

Paul was a little

bit of a dick.

to girls.

- But he wasn't that bad.

- But he were kind of a dick.

-Oh my God!

-You were friends with him.

You were kinda friends with him.

I would've been friends

with Doug but Doug wouldn't

hang out with me.

- Because you didn't have lights.

- I didn't have lights.

Hey, guys, hey.

Sorry, but I just want you

to know that the more that you

focus on this exclusive

ski racing exchange,

what happens.

I'm gonna go like this.

And then I harvest

the darkness and then

what, you'll be gone.

Okay? And then, you...

You're gonna get

on the ass end

of a tongue lashing.

And it gets domestic, okay?

But I don't want that.

I don't want that.

Because you're my best friend

and you're the most beautiful

woman in the world.

Aw, Joe.

Let's get domestic.

-Thank you so much.

This is delicious.

-You're welcome.

Well, I cooked the meat,

sh*t lips, okay?

Okay, "sh*t lips"

was a little

aggressive, I'm sorry.

No, "sh*t lips"

was pretty accurate.

So was it weird changing

your last name?

-From?

-I thought about doing

the hyphenated thing.

To what?

I thought about hyphenating

my last name.

- No, you didn't.

- No, I did, actually.

Well, you can't Indian-give

a last name.

Because we are not Indians.

Because we are not...

And moreover,

we are not lesbians.

And, we are not lesbian Indians.

We're just having

a conversation.

- We're just talking.

- I didn't mean to...

You didn't do anything.

You didn't mean to do anything.

Because it's nothing. Because

nothing is nothing. Because I

said it's nothing. That's why.

Oh, give me a break.

My man's been

through this sh*t.

Please.

You're gonna give me that?

You know, that's...

You know what that look does?

It makes this more

aggressively this.

But you know that you do this.

And that's what makes you

ten times sicker than me.

F*** it, let's just do it,

let's just do it, let's just

put it all out on the thing.

And let's just talk

about what you would do

to make me the guy

you wanted to marry.

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