It's Us Page #4

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Sometimes, I wish that you were

an entirely different person.

Okay, anybody for a little

sponge cake or a little wine?

It's Young Frankenstein's.

What he does.

Hey.

Here we go.

- You guys like it here?

- I do.

We do. We do. We do.

I mean, it's different than,

like, the last ten years.

But, it's familiar.

You know, it's home.

And he did this

for me. So,

it gives him

a little bit of wiggle room

to be a dick.

Oh, my God. Really?

Breaks up the monotony.

- You're all right, buddy.

- Exactly, dude.

-Hey, can I take him tomorrow?

You guys working?

-Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

- Glycerin.

- Glycerin gum?

How long has this sh*t

been in here?

Those don't go bad.

They don't go bad.

No sh*t.

We can make whipped cream.

That's a f***in'...

Our butter love, yeah

some motherfucking

Whipped cream

And we'll put some

F*ggot beer

Mine didn't work.

Yeah, mine was to the tune.

Is a f*ggot berry

The best night ever.

-Let's just do it.

Let's just do it.

-What?

We're gonna put a pumpkin patch,

baby. In your belly.

Oh, yeah.

Your stupid face.

I like your stupid face.

Comb my hair. I was kidding.

I was just kidding.

You know I'll only go down

on you if you got these on.

That's good. Then I can actually

see what's happening.

- You'll suck my dick.

- Done and done.

Hey, you wanna have kids?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I guess I'll have to meet

someone that I wanna have one

with first.

Well, you know,

that's just science.

Do you guys wanna have kids?

Yeah. F*** it, right?

Wait, why did you act surprised?

I mean, Jesus, I don't even

know you but that was enough,

last night.

Intense.

That was, like, green tea.

You should see us on meth.

That's fun?

Fun? That's cute. What's that

even supposed to mean?

Sure. Yeah, it's fun.

We have fun.

But, I honestly don't even know

what that means.

Okay, Canadians.

They have fun

together.

-Not real people.

Not real Americans.

-That's not true.

-When was the last

relationship you were in?

-A year ago.

- Was it fun?

- Yeah it was the best.

We always say that when she's gone.

But what happened?

I spent the down payment

on our house on funding

four bricks of cocaine.

Oh, right.

Any thing's gonna seem

fun after you do

some dumb sh*t like that.

What the f***, man?

- Come on

- No, no, that's not cool, man.

Yeah, I am a dick, but come

on, man, it can't be all love

all the time. It's not...

God, may be that's why

I am a dick.

May be that's why I f***ing say

some dick headed sh*t.

-Because it just seems better

than the alternative.

-I know.

The point is you are hurting

peoples feelings, Okay?

And not just that, girl's

feelings, they hurt different.

Those feelings go

a lot different.

Feelings are meant to get hurt.

Feelings are meant to get felt.

How about this, huh?

Look at this.

I don't want to jinx it.

How could you not hold hands

to cross a bridge?

Yeah, right.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

Oh man, we have to order

everything, because we

can't afford not to.

No, come on, this is what I'm

saying. Like this face,

look at this.

Look at this, look at this.

Want me to do that thing? We'll

do a whole goddamn procession.

This face.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Going to the bathroom.

- Okay.

Should you like not be drinking?

No, it's fine.

- Really?

- Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Dude, I don't wanna have

a f***ing penguin

for a kid.

-Okay

-Just dump him

in the sewer. Right?

Okay, drink up.

Let's f***ing party.

I can't get pregnant right now.

It's a thing.

I did the math.

I do it every month.

-Can't get pregnant right now.

-Okay, let's hypothetically,

next time.

Next cycle, next month cycle.

We have a boy.

We name him

Jimmy Rum,

- No questions asked.

- Oh, okay.

Or we name him...

Colonel Mustard.

- And if it's a girl.

- Mace.

Sh*t.

I like that.

Okay. Can I interest you guys

in some dessert?

Well, do you have bread pudding?

Yeah, actually we do.

Oh, so that means

we have to get that.

He doesn't have a lot of rules,

but he has bread pudding

and then there's two

other rules.

Okay, this sounds fun.

Give me the other two.

He can't be friends with anybody

who watches Family Guy

and he always has to stop

at a lemonade stand.

And I don't know why,

I find those stupid rules sexy,

but I do.

Well, one woman's sexy

is another woman's...

Then we had to open another

dining. Oh, honey, honey,

come here, I was

- just talking about you.

- Oh, no.

Hey, that meal

was amazing.

And Marie just said, you kinda

just started being a chef.

It's like a new thing.

Well, I am a cook.

I am not a chef.

Like, whatever you wanna call

yourself, that's really,

really good.

I was just telling these two

that their story is not so

different from ours.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, we just kind of, like,

quit our life in LA.

Sabbatical, kind of.

Just a little.

Huh?

- What did you do in LA?

- He was an agent.

Well, still kinda.

Still I am-ish,

you know.

And I also worked

in a business too.

Or a job.

That sounded bad because what

I'm saying, is less business,

more creative.

-Because you're creative.

You're creativer than I am.

-Yeah. I can't go into this.

And that's f***ing good.

You are the creative-est.

- Don't.

- All right.

So, you guys just said,

"to hell with it"?

- Yeah.

- Hmm. That's noble.

Why the surprised tone from him?

'Cause you said that we have

similar stories.

Similar broad strokes.

Well, then why did you guys

move here?

Well, have you seen it

outside. We love it here.

If you don't count

November through April.

But we always thought we'll end

up here, right?

Yeah, sometimes,

life can be,

you know, a prick.

- Yeah, but...

- Yeah, well, all right. '07?

'08, right?

Working downtown.

And, sh*t crashed,

everything changed.

So what do we do?

Next thing I know,

we moved up here.

- Winter of '08.

- Winter of '08. It's freezing.

And I couldn't

even get a job,

you know, making drinks.

But, um...

Okay, so wait.

You just got canned?

You didn't opt out

for a f***ing

cage-free life?

- No.

- -But he wouldn't change a single thing.

That is right.

She is right.

Hey, dude, would you

still be pushing

money around

if you hadn't got f***ing

dicked in the recession?

I hope not. It sucked.

I mean, I probably

wouldn't have gotten help,

but I was, you know,

forced down.

But thank f***ing god

that I was.

But, you know, moved up here

a few years ago.

I mean, it was...

It was hard and it was dark.

But, yeah, sometimes life gives

you a pile of sh*t and you just

have to figure out a way to...

you know...

- Gross old Simon.

- Right. That's right.

- Caps for me, stems for you.

- Okay.

- Don't look so worried.

- No, no, I'm not, I'm not.

I'm, I'm, I'm good.

- You guys are happy.

- We're too old not to be.

But that first year,

that was tough.

Winters are tough.

- You guys can do it, though.

- Yeah.

I just, I don't wanna be blamed

for, you know, everything.

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