It's Us Page #5

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Oh, my God. That's what

marriage is all about.

Having someone to blame

and then someone

to laugh about it with.

- Those guys are great, huh?

- They are.

They're good people.

I like them.

Yeah, they're sweet.

Just really sweet,

-But with that nice city edge,

you know. It's refreshing.

-That's nice.

- So you're gonna say it?

- Yeah, I just did.

-Super city sweet, sweet edge.

-Are you gonna say it or are you

gonna keep doing that thing?

Yep.

Are you gonna say it or

you gonna keep

doing that switches?

It's great, it's great.

It's you doing you.

-And that's fun.

It's a fun show.

-Yeah, yeah.

Don't look at me

like that.

Are you gonna say it?

-I'm saying it. I'm saying it.

-This is such a great

impersonation of you doing you.

No, I...

So this is you doing you.

Who else would do me

if I didn't do me?

Why did you put

on movie-trailer

voice for that?

Yeah, I'd think

that I would do

the best version of me.

Okay.

Okay. But here's the thing.

You have to say it.

Because if you don't say it,

it's gonna fester and it's gonna

propitiate in that brain

of yours. And then,

it's gonna come out

like... An... Old Faithful.

- Like a geyser? Sure.

- Like an Old Faithful.

I see it. I see what you're

saying. Don't get it.

- Wanna get it. Yeah.

- Okay, you need to say it.

- I need you to say it.

- Get your damn hands off me.

- I need you to say it.

- Get your damn hands off me.

I'm gonna put

my fingers

so they touch.

I'm gonna put them

through your whatever

that is, your wing.

And I'm gonna kick you in your

f***ing Candy Moldonados,

is what I'm gonna do.

Well, then triple bucket Shawnee

gets a heel to him.

- Say it. Say it.

- We agreed to disagree.

-You wanna know what it is?

You wanna know what it is?

-Say it. Say it...

He f***ing didn't

quit his job.

He didn't quit his job.

He had no choice. And now

he has to go back

to the f***ing drawing board.

And he has no choice

but to accept the life

he was forced into.

Not the life he chose,

because what happens,

with a choice,

comes that inevitable

second guess.

Okay, have I ever ordered

something and haven't been happy

while eating it?

Okay, that one time when I

was eating that baked tacs

and that porchettas

and the f***ing black eyed peas

or whatever it was,

in that snobby, bullshit place

in Wilshire,

I was stoked. But that

was f***ing once in how many...

All the other seven hundred

thousand times, what

have I done?

I've lusted after

somebody else's plate.

Or something from the menu

that I only knew in words.

But, like, what I'm saying is,

if somebody makes you

something, right?

And there's no choice,

it's nine times out of ten,

pretty f***ing good.

You said to say it.

What about tonight?

- What about every damn night?

- It's usually great.

- It's usually great.

- Usually great.

It's usually great.

Why are you making the face

that you're gonna something,

but, like a but, it's usually...

No, except when I'm running it.

That was only me being, doing,

taking ownership for...

It is great.

We're good sharers.

Yeah, we're good sharers.

Come here.

That's good, that's good. Don't

take too much off, but don't put

too much on it.

- Look at all that.

- That's a lot.

-That's why I'm taking it off.

-Look at how small

that toe nail is.

-You don't need that much.

You're not painting a house.

-Less.

- Is more. Less is more.

- Is more.

- Less is more.

- But not too less,

- 'Cause then it's none.

- Getting it covered.

Hey, don't you miss me

complaining about

terrible scripts?

Oh, sorry. Oh, my god.

I remembered something

about a goat

but I don't see a goat.

Where's my goat?

Where's my goat?

At the goat farm.

Okay, dig on this

organic Mani-Pedi salon?

- We open it up.

I'm in pop operation.

- Sure.

I think it's a good move,

but I still want my goat.

I still want it.

I still, I still...

No, it's gonna happen,

it's gonna happen.

My mouth, goat's penis,

roll camera.

Would you be bummed out?

I'll be a little disappointed

with the goat?

-Hey, hey, hey.

-What's up, dude?

What's going on?

Nothing. Painting some toes.

How're you doing?

Good. What's going on?

-Hey, do you know any

goat farmers?

-No. I don't. Should I?

I don't know.

Also, thinking about opening

a little organic

Mani-Pedi shop.

Artisanal. Only using

fruit pigments.

It's actually a pretty

good idea.

You guys sure

this is okay? I'm gonna

be gone for ten days.

Yes. Oh, my God.

He can stay

as long as he wants.

Yeah, man, we didn't come out

here so we can continue to not

take care of our friends' pets.

Okay, thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

Hey. Hey. Don't let

the darkness in.

Don't what? I don't... No!

- Hookers and cocaine.

- No, man, no.

Bachelor party.

Hookers, cocaine.

Date dinner.

I am legend.

No, no, no.

We're going camping

in the Adirondacks.

- Thank you so much. Good day.

- You're welcome. Have fun.

Bye-bye.

Had tits over me.

- Was he ever under you?

- I wish.

He's kinda like dud anyway.

But he's really good looking.

He's all right.

- You slept with him?

- What?

We were twelve when we

knew each other.

But you grew up fast.

Didn't you?

- If you know what I mean.

- No, I don't.

- I don't know what you mean.

- Right.

- In your loin you do.

- My...

Okay, it's shocking that someone

doesn't like you.

I agree.

I'm the best.

Joe, it's not a magic

eye poster.

I only want to see it.

We have to see it.

I've seen how rough it got,

so I know what happens.

Let's just see something else.

No, it'll be good.

Not the movie but the anger.

God, you're a glutton

for misery.

I got him this f***ing movie.

And you're getting paid for it.

I still don't get

its f***ing sequel.

Okay. So, we...

We paid for a different movie.

But we see this one.

- And you're a good friend.

- F*** friends.

No, I wanted him to get it.

Holy f***ing...

Dick sack! He's going to get

a f***ing franchise from

this sh*t.

I did all the f***ing

light work too.

Really? It was so bad.

It's getting close

to 200 million now. I mean,

Americans love garbage.

Exactly, Joe.

You wanna perpetuate

in an industry of garbage?

You really wanna be part

of the problem?

Jocking for next million dollar

comic book movie,

so that the movies you actually

like are never gonna

get seen or made.

Come on, you get to be

a consumer now.

Isn't that relaxing?

I don't even like movies.

- Or anybody.

- Right.

Garcon?

Can I have another

Double Darkness please?

You mean Double Sunshine?

Well, you say milk, I say meelk.

Please.

You really wanna add more

gas to the fire right now?

Are you? So, you're just asking

that I don't have another beer?

Well, I recall you had

a side order of fries.

What?

You don't like when I drink,

I don't like when you eat. Let's

just call it a wash please.

I know I'm f***ed up.

I know I'm f***ed up.

I know I'm f***ed up.

I know I'm f***ed up.

I know I'm f***ed up.

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