Jake's Journey Page #2

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to be a troll around here or something.

Oh really?

He must have gone.

You know, I really like your shirt.

- Shirt?

- Your shirt, it's brilliant.

- What, this?

- Yeah.

It's trendy.

Did you get that around here?

No.

I've had it for years.

No kidding.

And who does your hair?

What do you mean?

Well I mean, it's awesome.

What do you mean, "it's awesome"?

I mean it's spiky, and it looks good.

No...!

Do you really think so?

Yeah, really.

Do you get I cut around here?

No, no, it just grows like this.

You are so lucky, I could

never do that with my hair.

Well, it is different.

Different?

Your hair is fantastic.

Well, yes, I suppose

it is a bit fantastic, yes.

It is certainly the best

hair in the forest, yeah.

Yeah, I think you got something there.

Trendy, hey?

Fancy that.

You are a nice young man.

- Well done!

- I did it, didn't I?

Now, things begin to get tricky.

Look out, behind you.

Look, I'm not talking about

other centuries, it's just that,

you know, I came from some place else,

and I'd like to get back there.

Me too, but I can't tell you any more,

wouldn't be sufficiently intriguing.

Now these quests usually

end in success, right, I mean,

you know, knights and pages

don't usually get killed?

No no. Might lose

the odd limb or two, but...

Ah, there's an inn, they

should be able to direct us.

Landlord!

- No!

Can you tell us the whereabouts

of castle Grede?

- Never heard of it.

- No. No.

There ain't no castle

of that name 'round here.

You take my advice,

you steer well clear of it.

Even if there was.

This non-existent castle,

would it be about a mile away?

No!

That's where it would be,

if it were there.

If this castle was there,

it wouldn't be dangerous, would it?

Well, some people do say as scores

of princes have been up there,

suitors to princess Yeugh,

and none of them has never come back.

They was eaten by the metaphor.

Excuse me, may we be of some help?

Lobsters?

Don't be so prejudiced.

We're only touring ourselves,

but we do have a map.

It's very detailed you know.

Well, it needs to be, for cycling.

Excuse me I hope you

don't mind me asking,

but are either of

you two princes?

- No.

- No? Pity. They won't let you in then.

Wait, we have to see

the princess Yeugh.

I mean now will they know

we're not princes?

Torture.

Though why anyone would want to

see her I'm afraid I just don't know.

I'm told facially, she has got about as

much going for her as the average prawn.

I thought you said she was great looking.

Chivalry.

Thank you.

Right, now for this castle.

There it is.

Perhaps now you'll trust lobsters.

Lovely hat, only one orner.

No thanks, I'm quite fond of

the one I have, thank you.

Grab jewels, special offer!

Play a song for the princess, sir!

Best flowers, duckie?

Not just now, but they are very nice.

Last will and testament.

Last will and testament.

Ah, it's clearly one of

your fearsome metaphors.

We'd like to see the princess Yeugh.

Are you princes?

- No, but eh...

- Then push off!

You know, that coat

looks fantastic on you.

And so it does.

I've been thinking.

You've been a very good page.

I ought to reward you.

I've decided to allow you

to complete this quest.

Why me, is it dangerous?

Of course it's

dangerous, it's a quest.

Can't become a knight until

you've completed a quest or two.

- That was very good.

- I am a knight.

Right. Climb this, find the princess,

and read this to her. Good luck.

No, you don't understand,

I failed P.E. I cannot do that.

You could with encouragement.

What, wait a second, what are

you doing, I can't do this.

- You see, it's not so hard.

- Then you do it.

This never would have happened

if I would have stayed in America.

I've got five of his shirts in soak,

it's that new iron maiden,

you get much more splashing

then you get with the old ones.

Don't I know it, we've got three,

it spurts everywhere.

Still, it's more of a deterrent, isn't it.

We've got four new

dungeons, really nice.

Ever so cramped and damp,

and smelly and slimy,

and they've been built

with racks en suite.

Our eight new dungeons

with racks en suite

will have especially

imported Sicilian slime.

Oh absolutely, we have Sicilian slime

pumped through to all our dungeons.

Don't know how to cope without it.

Sorry love. Got to be a

little bit late for lunch.

Got an emergency rack job on.

Hello mrs. Gantlet, how's Buddy then?

Busy?

Up to his knees in eyeballs.

Still, mustn't grumble.

Not when the work's coming in.

Who's on the rack?

Some git they found wandering

through the castle.

Said he'd lost his way.

I said, pull the other leg,

I'm going to stretch both of yours.

- What's that all about?

- I don't know, but they worry me.

Right lad, now for the big one.

Beryl, we've got another one.

Oh no, the bin's full up.

Oh prod it down a bit

and sit on the lid.

Their majesties will be

with you presently.

No, no, I just came to leave a note.

I thought that last one

was showing a little promise

until he allowed himself to be

strewn all over the room like that.

- Good evening.

- Ah, there you are.

- Good afternoon.

- Hello.

- Good evening.

- Open wide.

- What?

- Open your mouth wide.

Oh dear.

Two and a quarter.

A bit generous I'm afraid.

- Generous?

- Yes, scarcely greedy at all.

It's on the borderline.

Never mind.

We'll allow you to carry on.

- Good evening.

- Now then.

Let me explain the procedures

of courtship for all the princes.

No, see, you don't understand,

I'm not a...

Be quiet.

I'm expounding my theory.

Good evening.

Now you see, we are ludicrously rich.

Certainly the greediest

people in the kingdom.

My wife is so greedy that

she restricts herself

to the use of only two

words, "good evening".

Because she is terrified

of giving anything away.

- Good evening.

- There you go.

Now I've been making a scientific

study of family trees.

In all the wealthiest families,

if the two partners are greedy,

then their offspring are greedy.

But if one of the partners

is even slightly generous,

then three out of the four children

will be wanton spendthrifts.

Good evening!

So to protect the wealth

of our children's children,

we've let it be known that my daughter

is physically repellent.

This is to encourage the right type.

Now if they pass the mean mouth test,

then it's on to the final,

where they have to be greedy enough

to overcome extreme fear.

Extreme fear?

- Good day.

- Good evening.

But I'm not a prince.

Hello? Hello?

Princess Yeugh?

Yes.

You must be the prince.

Oh! Oh!

I have ehm...

...ehm, something to read to you.

Oh!

I don't need this.

If it would made any

sense, it would say

that you're the most

beautiful girl ever.

I've never met anyone like you.

A guy would risk anything for you.

Oh lovely!

Mummy, daddy!

I think this may be the one.

Alright, here they come darling.

Here come the wolves.

- The wolves?

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