Jamie's Christmas Lock-In Page #3

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chips, right, and Channel 4

are a little concerned

it wasn't quite festive enough, so

come forth and let me show you.

Oh, that's it, darling.

A few hollies and a berry or two.

Very, very festive.

And I'd love a little bit of that.

AUDIENCE CHEERS:

OK, now...

Every single one of you in

the pub is going to get one.

CHEERING:

Cooked by these two.

Are you ready?

It's like choreography.

I've choreographed it already.

I've choreographed it, it's done.

It's a sequence of events to

make something beautiful.

Can I go over it again?

Burger.

Burger on, push it down,

push it down, push it down.

Turn it over. Put my mustard

on it with my thing. Baste it.

I've already got my onions on because

they're already done previously.

I put my bacon on before that.

I put my cheese on.

Then I put the bacon on top of that.

Then I put the cloche on.

Once it's nice and melted,

it makes my bun nice and shiny on top.

Take my cloche off, build it.

Chips, and go!

Yes! We got it!

Yes! We got it!

Right, we're on it.

I left the mayonnaise out.

Ho-ho-ho!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! What a lovely bunch

of people you've got.

And a lovely atmosphere.

We've Gennaro and Louie

Spence cooking their burgers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Guys, Jonathan Ross, we've

got him in the house.

CHEERING:

Thank you. How lovely.

Thank you. How lovely. He's in my Lock-In.

I'm normally on your show.

You're normally on my show.

I'm glad to be here

because at the moment

I don't have a show.

Thanks for reminding me of

that at Christmas, Jamie(!)

We've actually got Jonathan's

mum in the audience tonight.

Hello, darling.

I'm pleased you came because you can

tell a lot about a boy from his mum.

Exactly.

I tell you what, you had a big family.

It wasn't easy times back in the day.

No, no, no.

Occasionally, you'd run out of

food, wouldn't you, and borrow,

or should I say steal,

stuff from the neighbours.

One year, I remember, and

I'm not making this up,

the oven broke on Christmas Day.

The oven broke.

We needed to cook the turkey.

But no one had space for a

big turkey for eight people.

So Mum chopped it up into little

pieces, and we all went out

to different neighbours saying,

"Can I put my turkey in your oven?"

I love that, that is so clever!

It was cooked in all

the different ovens.

You had bits of turkey going to eight

different homes. It came back.

It sounds like a KFC bucket!

She had to come and get us cos

all the houses were nicer,

we didn't want to

come home afterwards.

We were opening other kids' presents.

When he was little,

did he have any favourite presents?

What did you used to do?

He always wanted a monkey,

a real monkey, which obviously

was difficult to get.

Like Michael Jackson!

Yes, exactly.

Not just like Michael Jackson.

Difficult to get in Leytonstone.

I still haven't got one.

Not a real monkey.

But I did get him this toy, and it was

a chimpanzee, and it had a plastic

head, little plastic hands and feet.

And what did you do to him?

I don't know what happened to

the bloody monkey, I'm 50!

I don't remember what happened

to that monkey 45 years ago.

Is this CSI?!

I don't know where the monkey is!

You came from a family of six.

You've got three children.

Yes. Have you thought

about having more?

I'm not going to have any more.

I'm too old.

No disrespect to old fathers

but I've got three.

I don't want be greedy.

We've got puppies, they're like a substitute.

When I was in your house,

I met your little dog

that was dressed up as a ninja.

Yes, Mr Pickle. But I've got a

new one now, Professor Snowball.

How many dogs have you got?

Seven.

Seven.

Seven dogs?

Seven dogs.

How do control all those bum holes?

How do control all those bum holes?

You don't, you just let it go.

I caught one on my bed, he's a puppy.

He started going.

I went, "Not on the mattress!"

I thought, why?

I had it in my hand.

It was like a little raw

portion of foie gras.

Another part of the Jonathan Ross

family, your wife is, obviously,

so incredibly talented.

She is very, yes.

I enjoyed Kick-Ass.

She's got two coming up.

The Woman In Black with Daniel Radcliffe.

She's written the new X Men movie.

She's busy.

Super busy.

Super busy.

Do you see her?

Loads because she works at home.

I go down and try and put her

off while she's writing.

For some reason, I don't know why,

a friend of mine bought

me for my 50th birthday,

they bought me a white top hat, right.

I don't know if they thought

I was going to entertain

hen parties in Essex.

But I went down, my wife was there working.

I went down there,

and before I got into the room,

I took all my clothes off.

Put the white top hat on and

walked in, and I didn't know

there was a guy working with her,

he was in the toilet at the time!

(LAUGHS)

She shooed me out very quickly!

The plumber didn't even

get to see the show!

It wasn't a plumber, it was a

world famous movie director.

I mean, I just found out today

that you've just done

a show for Channel 4.

It's coming out just before Christmas.

It's your favourite toys,

the 100 favourite toys.

Where do we start?

I think they go way back.

It's what people now like the most.

Roller skates are in the list still.

And you kind of expect roller skates

but they started around 1760.

1760?

Yeah, So, apart from Gennaro,

no-one here remembers them

when they first came out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS:

He had the first pair.

As it's Christmas, I've

bought you a present.

I don't know what it's going to be.

I want you to open this present.

Mum, you're going to love this.

Oh, my good Lord.

LAUGHTER:

It's a genuine...

I think that might be it.

Look at that.

I didn't realise what an ugly

(BLEEP) it was back then.

Why did you give me this?

I must have had nightmares for years.

Imagine cuddling up to that.

I did pay for that.

That's a lovely gift.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

It's lovely.

What a wonderful guest,

we are lucky to have him,

Jonathan Ross, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

You're very kind, I hope you know that.

You'll love this.

Lovely people, at this time of year -

it's nearly Christmas - you

know what celebrities are like.

They'll put their name on anything.

Just have a look at this.

In here, I've got a

little present here.

We've got some celebrities

who have put their name

to a few little endorsements.

Barry Norman, remember him?

Of course! The great Barry Norman.

He's made pickled onions.

And that's a home-made family recipe.

I've heard, though...

Who likes JLS?

I've heard these are good.

JLS have done condoms.

They've done condoms.

That's good because if you

want to prevent pregnancies,

seeing one of those on the end of

your knob will put people off!

Antony Worrall Thompson.

He's got stain remover.

There's some products but

I thought I'd have a go.

Mine's got a massive twist.

Check this out.

Is the barnet all right?

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