Jane Austen's Mafia! Page #2

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I raised my daughter

in American fashion.

- One day, she went to see a man.

- [Purring]

He got her alone in a room,

held her down in a chair.

When she resisted,

he stuck her with a needle.

Then, when she was helpless,

- he took-a pliers, and...

- [Sniffs]

Look at her, Don Cortino.

Look.

I'm familiar with

this Doctor Mendelbaum.

He's not a dentist, he's a butcher.

He put caps

on the Turteltaub twins.

- I saw them. They looked like beavers.

- [Meowing]

In fact, I have a cord

of wood they cut.

- I'm all set for the winter.

- [Clanging]

- [Cat Yowling]

- [Groaning] Whoops-a-daisy!

[Clattering, Banging]

Ah. I found my keys.

Huh.

I must own a car.

- ## [Dance Orchestra]

- [People Chattering]

A beautiful girl, Don Cortino.

A daughter who has brought

only happiness into our home...

- for seventeen years.

- [Vincenzo] Ugh. Horrible.

Can't really blame the boy.

Aah! Aah!

[Screaming, Clattering]

[Screaming, Crashing Continue]

Get out of here, you bastard.

What is it you request?

[Sighs]

## [Music, Chattering]

[Cat Yowling]

[Whispering, Indistinct]

U-Uh, that's my bad ear.

[Whispering, Indistinct]

I was wrong.

This must be the bad ear.

Don Cortino,

I want justice for my Angelina.

All right, Bonifacio.

All right.

I will do this thing for you.

[Gasps]

Thank you, Godfather.

[Whistling]

Thank you.

[Anthony Narrating]

Diane was my first love.

We were made for each other.

About the only disagreement we ever had

was when I went to war.

While I was off fighting, she was

working for the world peace movement.

But despite all that, when I got home,

she was there to greet me.

I guess she was a sucker

for a guy in uniform.

Oh, Anthony, I'm so nervous

about meeting your family.

If they don't like me,

I'll just die.

[Man]

Hey, Tony!

[Laughing]

Big war hero!

- I got you a souvenir.

- Aw.

Oh, wow! A North Korean.

Tony, I mean, l...

I don't know what to say.

I want you

to meet Diane.

Diane, this is Dominick Clamato,

my father's most trusted friend.

- Hi.

- Bella.

Lugosi.

Marron. Hey, you guys!

Look what Tony brung me.

- [Delighted Gasps]

- I bet you never seen

one of these before.

[Diane]

Anthony, isn't that Cesar Marzoni?

The man's a criminal.

What's he doing here?

[Tony]

Maybe he does business with my father.

[Diane]

What are you saying?

Look, I'm not my father,

Diane, just as you're not your father.

If we were our fathers, what we did last

night would only be legal in Arkansas.

[Tony Narrating]

It was like I never left.

- These were the faces I grew up with.

- Good to see you, Anthony.

It wasn't just me and Joey and Pop,

it was Frankie Totino,

Look who's here.

Hey, Anthony. Welcome back.

- "Fatso" Paulie Orsatti,

- Try the veal piccata.

Who was Benny "Big Features"' brother...

he controlled the unions.

- Then you had Nick Molinaro,

who ran the North Side,

- 'Ey! How you doin'?

Jumbo "The King

Of Big Screen TV" DeNuzio.

Yo, Tony. I'll knock 20% off

that Trinitron for you.

- There was Al "The Mailbox" Spaducci,

- Miller Lite.

- Johnny Love,

- Who's the pretty girl?

And Charlie "Big Red-Ass Baboon

On His Head" Petrella.

- Catch ya later.

- [Baboon Chattering]

[Man]

The Don will see you now, Mr. Gorgoni.

Pop, this is Sal Gorgoni.

Don Cortino, it is an honor to be

in the presence of such a great man.

Your flattery brings

a redness to my hair.

Cigar?

- [Meowing]

- Very fresh.

- [Angry Meowing]

- Uh, thank you. No.

Please. Sit down.

Now, what is so urgent that

you come to see Don Corduroy...

on the third anniversary

of my stepson's liposuction?

It is a known fact that you

have the judges in your pocket.

- The politicians, they dance like...

- Mm.

- Like puppets for you.

- Mm. Mm!

You control the courts.

If you agree to share

your influence,

I will make you a partner

in my new business.

Suck my big Italian

sausage, you magootza.

You make us partner?

[Scoffs]

You'll have to excuse my son.

- [Fire Roaring, Cat Yowling]

- [Vincenzo Gasps]

[Vincenzo] What sort of business

are we talking about?

I can make us bigger

than the Almighty Himself.

Shut your slimy guinea pazatz!

Nobody's bigger than Sinatra.

[Vincenzo] Joey's a good boy,

but there's always been something...

about his personality that,

ah... how shall I put it?

He's f***in' nuts!

[Gorgoni] This was brought in

at a great expense, from

our friends in America Del Sur.

Ah, non-dairy creamer.

Good investment.

Drugs, Don Cortino.

[Vincenzo] I thank you

for your offer, Mr. Gorgoni, but...

Well, answer me this.

Where is the future

of this business?

Drugs don't taste good.

You can't put them on cereal.

Why would anyone want to invest

in something like that?

[Groaning]

I hope you don't live to regret

this decision, Don Cortino.

Now, if we're finished, I'd like to get

back to my stepdaughter's coronation.

- [Applauding]

- [Scoffs]

- [Squeaking, Popping]

- [Sighs]

## [Woman Singing Opera]

## [Singing Opera In Italian]

Godfather.

- Congratulations.

- Oh...

- Hey, Pop.

- Hey!

- I missed you, son.

- Ah. I missed you too, Pop.

- ## [Opera Continues]

- How was the war? Did you have fun?

- I want you to meet Diane.

- [Cheeks Snapping]

- Hi.

- Oh. Tastes like chicken!

- Tony!

- Hey!

[Laughing]

My big brother got married, huh?

- Who is she?

- Some Italian girl.

- Who's this?

- Oh, this is Diane.

- We went to Vassar together.

- Hi, Joey.

Anthony's told me so much about you.

Psychopath, right?

- Yeah.

- Hey!

- Oh, he seems so nice, honey.

- Get back here or I'll shoot

you in the face!

- Easy, Joey. Easy, easy, easy.

- ## [Opera Ends]

Guido. Say hello to Guido.

Hey, scunge.

- Say hello to my present.

Somethin', huh?

- How ya doin'?

Don Cortino?

Don Marzoni from Las Vegas.

Don Cortino. You honor me

by inviting me to your home.

I've heard great things

about what you're doing in Las Vegas.

[Vincenzo]

You know, you look familiar.

Uh, this is a friend of mine.

Pepper Gianini.

Oh. Gianini.

Any Sicilian in you?

Not since last night.

[Guests Applauding]

[Vincenzo Clearing Throat]

Marriage.

The bond that binds us together.

- [Guests Murmuring]

- Myself, I've been married

to the same...

wonderful woman for 42 years.

- [Guests] Aww!

- Of course, sex stopped for us

about a week after the wedding.

As it should!

I love my Rosa as much today...

as I did the first time

I forced myself on her.

- Mm.

- Mm-hmm.

But, uh, how about

this one here?

- Breasts like cabbages.

- [Guests] What?

And how about that ass? You could

play canasta on it. [Chuckles]

So, Joey,

remember this old Sicilian proverb:

"Man is like a piece of cheese."

[Man]

Hear, hear!

[Crowd Applauds, Murmurs Approval]

- Piece of cheese?

- Piece of cheese.

## [Orchestra:
"Santa Lucia"]

## [Music Continues]

Say hello to my little friend.

- Ooh! Ah! Ooh!

- [Shocked Screaming]

Ah-oo-ee-ah!

- [Man] What the hell's that?

- [Man #2] It's the jitterbug, guys.

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