Jane Austen's Mafia! Page #3

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Come on, jitterbug.

- ## ["In The Mood"]

- Ooh!

- Oo-ah-ee-oh!

- [Laughing]

- Oh-ah-oh-ah-oo-ee!

- Wow!

- Ooh-ooh!

- [Bride] Whoo!

- Yikes!

- [Chuckling]

Oh! Ooh! Ee! Ah!

- [Musician] What's he doin' now?

- ## [Latin Beat]

- [Machine Gun Firing]

- Ooh! Ah! Ee!

## [Band Sings "Macarena"]

- Ooh! Ee! Uhh!

- [Laughing]

Ee! Ah! Uhh!

# Hey, Macarena #

Aah! Ooh! Aah!

- [Groaning]

- [Crowd Gasping]

- [Popping]

- [High-Pitched Groaning]

No-o-o!

[Echoing]

[Squishing]

[Squeaking On Floor]

[Dog Barking]

[Tony Narrating] After the attack

on Pop, Joey was on a rampage.

He was ready to go to war.

So we brought in some strong-arm goons

from out of town.

[Creaking, Whirring]

[Tony]

Pop was in and out of consciousness.

And when he was awake, he seemed

to have lost his will to live.

No doctors, no nurses, there's...

there's no one here to help him.

- Diane, he belongs to an H.M.O.

- Oh.

[Whining, Yelping]

- Is he okay?

- Pop. My God, Pop!

- Had a dog dream.

- [Sighs]

Anthony, I always knew

I could count on you.

Well, we've been here every day.

Really? So have I.

- Come close.

- Uh, Diane?

- Could you excuse us for a minute?

- Oh, sure.

If you need me,

I'll be up on the bidet.

How bad is it? The truth.

You're gonna be okay. You lost a lot

of blood, but we found most of it.

Yeah.

This just arrived.

[Vincenzo]

Oh, a carp! How thoughtful.

- Fish sticks for everybody!

- No, Pop, it's a message.

Oyster Jimmy sleeps

with the fishes.

Well, I hope he's using protection.

Good-looking fellow like that

could have any woman he wanted.

Present company included.

Hmph!

Pop, somebody's out to get us,

and we don't know who.

Can you think of anybody, Pop?

Anybody?

Well, there is a man,

and he has only one thumb.

It matches this.

We used to just steal things...

kill and dismember people.

Now it's all drugs!

Oh, where's the honor?

Why go on?

I brought somebody

to cheer you up, Pop.

[Farting]

- Mama?

- Scusi.

- Mama!

- Look what they did to my boy.

- [Whimpering]

- Oh, my sweet... Vincenzo.

I kept your ring for ya, Mama.

Here. [Farting]

Scusi, Mama. Scusi.

- [Farting]

- Eh, let me.

Scusi, Mama.

[Farting]

- Scusi, Mama. Scusi, scusi, scusi...

- [Farting Rhythmically]

- [Long, Loud Farting]

- [Mama] Won't yank off!

[Vincenzo]

It's stuck! I can't get it off.

[Family Chattering]

Mm.

- [Man] You... whose kid are you?

- [Man #2] Here you go, Paulie.

Gino, don't eat so fast.

God'll give you a tumor.

Hey, Mom, lay off the kid.

Slow down. You gotta digest.

Gorgoni wouldn't try to kill Pop

just because he insulted him.

There's gotta be

more to it than that.

It had to be Gorgoni.

I say, we whack him.

- No business at the table.

- This shirt is stranglin' me.

- I told you I'd take it back.

- You make me nuts, the way you shop.

- Ooh, Italian food!

- [Family Falls Silent]

- Mm.

- What, you think Gorgoni wants

to take over the family?

Come on, he ain't got

the cogliones for that.

Maybe somebody bigger

ordered the hit, Joey.

I told you, not at the table.

You wanna bring a pox?

[Joey] Gorgoni will not stop until

Pop is dead. We gotta have a war.

Kill every one of those

rat-lickin' basserinos.

[Vincenzo's Mother] Tie his steaming

intestines to a runaway horse...

- and yank 'em out his ass!

- Who wants tea?

- Don't reach.

- Hey!

Don't say "hey" to your grandma.

Show some respect.

I'm gonna get some tea.

Sure nobody want none?

I tell ya how I'm gonna

settle our differences.

I'm gonna shoot the guy

right in the lombardos.

Goddamn it, I said,

not in front of the kids.

[Clamato] Just once,

I'd like to see you buy somethin',

without havin' to exchange it.

Twenty-four years I'm married.

I could have shot her

and been out on parole 14 years.

I'll do it.

I'll kill Gorgoni.

[Scoffs]

You? College boy?

It's just business.

We'll set up a meeting

someplace public, like...

a roller rink or a boutique.

I'll kill Gorgoni myself.

- Diane.

- Cut off her feet and make soup.

- Diane.

- Anthony, do you remember

when we were in college...

before you were drafted...

We said that we were going

to dedicate our lives to...

to ending war, to bringing

peace to the world?

- What happened to that?

- World peace?

Don't be so naive, Diane.

Besides, I can't turn my back on Pop

and Joey. They're like family to me.

Anthony, they're criminals.

They're murderers.

Criminals are people too, Diane.

If you prick a murderer,

does he not leave a blood trail...

all the way back

to his Rockingham estate?

This is that whole

Sicilian thing, isn't it?

I'll never belong, Anthony.

I'm always just gonna be that Protestant

chick who never killed anyone!

- [Door Slams]

- [Clamato] All right,

let's go over it again.

Now, you kill him after the main course.

Salad's too soon.

And then, somethin' light

for dessert...

maybe a sorbet or some kiwi.

Frankie'll stash the pistol

in the bathroom for ya.

He'll put the gun in the stall

behind the flush tank.

Hey, don't worry, Anthony.

You'll do okay.

Anthony. Benvenuto.

He's gonna frisk you.

- Turn your head.

- [Honking]

- Cough.

- [Coughing]

He's clean.

And "April-fresh."

Sit.

I'm gonna speak Italian

to Anthony.

[Grunting]

"Lyle Menendez"?

[Creaking]

[Grunting]

[Screaming, Burbling]

Come on!

[Toilet Flushes]

El Nino.

[Squeaking]

Okay.

Oh. Wha...? Oh.

[Motor Roaring, Wind Whistling]

[Groaning]

Lou Ferrigno? Doh!

[Cutlery Scraping]

[Door Slams]

[Shoes Squishing]

So. Anthony.

Che dice?

Can we do business?

[Subway Squealing, Wheels Clacking]

- Anthony?

- [Train Squeals Louder]

- [Seagulls Crying]

- I can hear the ocean.

[Gagging, Munching]

[Belches]

Ooh!

[Tony Narrating]

My life had come to this.

The little crippled kid...

they used to call "Tiny Anthony," who

had sold flowers on the street corner,

had grown up to be a killer.

## [Accordion, Mandolin]

[Tony] When he was my age,

things were different for Pop.

By the time of the Great Depression,

my father, Vincenzo Cortino,

was a law-abiding citizen

struggling through the ranks...

of the Manhattan

olive oil business.

[Man]

Vincenzo Cortino!

- [Neighs In Pain]

- Hey, Vincenzo.

- Hey, Clamato. How are you?

- Look at you. You work too hard.

Come to the duck fights

with me tonight.

The Kid is undefeated.

Uh, no, Dominick.

Thank you.

I have a family. I'm married,

I'm not supposed to enjoy myself.

Besides, where'd you get enough money

to buy your own duck, hmm?

- When are you going

to wise up, Vincenzo?

- [Quacking]

Some day, I'm gonna

own an entire goose.

And you'll still have

the stink of olives on you.

- Who is he?

- Don Narducci. The Black Hand.

- For a price, he protects the people.

- Ah, goombah.

Stay away from him, or your life won't

be worth the paper it's printed on.

[Chattering, Hawking]

[Quacking]

[Squeezing, Squeaking]

- [Drips]

- [Sighs]

Atsa good-a week's work, Vincenzo.

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