Jane Austen's Mafia! Page #5

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Joey was into it.

It was my job to keep

an eye on the gamblers,

but my eyes were only on Pepper.

- Fourteen, sixteen, bust.

- When I stopped paying attention

so did everyone else,

- House pays.

- And the suckers started

beating the house.

Then the cheaters got wind

and started flocking to us.

They cruise from casino to casino,

looking for weak dealers

the way lions look for weak antelope.

[Sneezing]

Queen.

I could see the dealer

wasn't in on it,

but he was lifting his

hole card way too high.

Yeah.

We had a surefire way

of handling things like that.

Now here's this guy reading

the hole card and signaling his buddy.

[Coughing]

Bet the farm!

# I've never felt

like this before #

# Something's got a hold

on me that won't let go #

# Believe I'll die

if I only could #

# I feel so strange

but it sure is good #

- [Zapping]

- [Gasping]

# Hey, hey, yeah

Oh, it must be love ##

- [Zapping]

- [Yelling]

- [Zapping]

- [Yelling]

[Zapping, Yelling Continue]

- [Zapping]

- Lord!

- [Zapping]

- [Shrieking]

- [Zapping]

- Mommy!

- Oh! Oh!

- Joey was always a hothead,

but I could rely on him.

- Who?

No, no, no!

Now with the drugs,

he was out of control,

and the place was falling apart.

Then the take dropped off,

and that's the worst thing

that can happen at a casino.

I did what I could

to turn things around...

we recycled the food,

fired the dishwashers,

started a happy hour for seniors

and the mentally ill.

We even watered down the drinks,

but that meant

we had to skimp in other places.

[Thud]

# Happy birthday to you #

Then, things really took a turn

when Pop came to visit.

# Happy birthday, Don Cortino #

# Happy birthday to you ##

- [Applause]

- Congratulations!

Happy birthday!

[Don Cortino] Ah, the cake's

beautiful, Bonifacio. Beautiful.

I want to thank you all

for coming today.

I know that many of you

have put off important murders

and drug deals to be here.

I'm especially pleased

to have representatives

from the five families with us...

the Badalotos, the Romanis,

the Marzonis, the Jeffersons...

who moved on up from the East Side

to get themselves a piece of the pie.

My friends, a while ago

I was shot 47 times.

And it really got me thinking:

It's time to pass on my power.

And I want you all to know that at

the time of my death, I, Don Cortizone,

will turn over all that

I control to my son, Anthony.

- [Applause]

- [Guests]

Congratulations! Just great!

Joey, you get Wisconsin.

Ah, devil's food.

Mangia! Enjoy!

## [Men Singing]

- Pastiori!

- Quick-pick loser!

Wisconsin... big, fat German women.

It ain't right.

If you ask me,

your being passed over is an insult.

I'm smart.

I can handle anything.

- I been groomin' myself

my whole life to be Don.

- Maybe I can help.

It's none of your business,

all right?

Don't ever try to come

between me and my family.

Ooh. Anger.

Maybe I've been barking

up the wrong Cortino.

- [Slurping]

- [Moaning]

[Barking]

[Barking Continues]

[Man]

Thattagirl. Come get the bone.

- [Man] You wanna go to the park?

- [Whipping, Slapping]

All right, now.

Roll over. Speak!

- [Barking Continues]

- [Man Sighs]

- Oh, my God. How could you?

- What are ya talkin' about?

A total stranger I could understand.

You and another woman, maybe.

Me, you and another woman, definitely.

But Joey... my brother!

Tony, it's not what it looks like.

It's the Heimlich.

She swallowed a big chunk of meat.

- You're banging your brains out.

- You're just guessing!

What do you take me for,

some kind of idiot?

Tony, ti amo.

The air conditioning broke.

We had to cool down.

- How can you deny this?

- You can't prove anything.

[Barking, Whimpering]

- You're a slut.

You will sleep with anybody.

- That's what sluts do.

If I was particular,

I wouldn't be a slut.

Joey... you're the last person

in the world I'd expect this from.

- We're family.

I would never betray you...

- Don't lie to me!

- You guys are sleeping together!

- All right, all right!

But we never actually slept!

Oh, my G... That's my brother!

Don't ever go near him again!

You don't own me, Anthony.

- That's why we don't have

nice things, Pepper.

- Get out of my life!

[Dog Squeals]

[Cooing]

[Sighs]

- [Joey] Tony,

it's not what it looks like.

- [Diane] Psychopath, right?

[Anthony] I can't turn my back on Pop

and Joey. They're like family to me.

- [Diane] This is that

whole Sicilian thing, isn't it?

- I would never betray you.

- [Don Cortino]

I always knew I could count on you.

- They're criminals... murderers.

- [Anthony]

Criminals are people too, Diane.

- Get out of my life!

[Lmitating Bill Clinton] I did not

have sexual relations with that woman...

Miss Lewinsky...

but I am wearing her underwear.

It's done.

[Sighs]

Chuckie?

Watch this.

- Boogey, boogey, boogey!

- [Gasps]

Boogey, boogey, boogey!

- [Chuckie Laughing]

- [Coughs]

[Coughing]

Please, Chuckie.

I started this. Uhh!

- [Giggling]

- [Coughing]

Grandpa? Grandpa?

[Snickering]

Rolex!

[Snickering Wickedly]

[Sighs]

[Anthony Narrating]

Everybody dies, but in the Mafia...

people die more often,

and never by accident.

The death of my father sent

shock waves through the underworld.

The family was without a leader.

The news reached me

at a private hospital...

- that catered exclusively

to English patients.

- One, two, three...

My explosion, his death...

someone wanted the Cortino empire.

We're here today to lay to rest

the dearly departed soul...

of Don Vincenzo

Armani Windbreaker Cortino.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down

in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside

the still waters.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death...

I shall fear no evil.

[Gasps]

- [Wheezing]

- [Whistles]

[Wheezes, Gasps]

The rod... Thy rod and Thy staff...

- It's okay, Mama.

- [Gasps]

- I'm here now.

- [Gags]

I know. I know.

I'm glad to see you too.

[Gags]

- Everyone had something to gain

with Pop out of the way.

- [Priest] Surely...

- I couldn't trust anybody.

- [Priest] and Laverne.

Which one of them killed my father?

- Don Romani from the Chicago family?

- [All Gagging]

Don Badaloto

from the Cleveland mob?

Don Quixote?

- Don Cornelius?

- Love, peace and soul.

But it wasn't until I saw

Chuckie, my brother Joey's kid,

taking a payoff from the man

with the missing thumb,

that I realized our family's enemy

had been Don Marzoni all along.

I had been embraced by the man

whose lifelong vendetta

had been to kill my father.

And now, with my own nephew,

he had succeeded.

In the quicksand of organized crime,

the only option is retribution.

My cup runneth ohhh!

[Gags]

I wondered how Pop

would have handled all this,

- then I thought back to the most

important day of my childhood.

- [Boy] Daisies, daisies...

five dozen...

for a nickel!

Daisies, daisies!

Five dozen for a nickel!

Hi, Tiny Anthony.

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