Jane Austen's Mafia! Page #6

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How's my favorite florist?

Oh, hi, Jenny.

This is for you.

Thank you.

Ah, the Cortino boy. You know,

your papa never paid me what he owes.

You've done well.

This belongs to me.

Of course, Don Narducci.

And so does this!

[Gasps, Moans]

Uh! Miracle Gro!

- Hey, kid!

- Let's grab him! Hey, you... c'mere!

Run, florist, run!

Get back here!

Ooh! Pitchfork! Look out!

[Grunts]

Papa! Papa!

Tiny Anthony... my boy!

It's a miracle!

- [C*cks Gun]

- Stay.

You surprise me, Don Narducci.

They say violence is

the hand puppet of the ignorant.

- Don't call me ignorant.

- No? Then answer me this:

Train "A" leaves Seattle

at 40 miles per hour.

Train "B" leaves Houston

at 50 miles per hour.

Which train

arrives at Sea World first?

- Papa! Papa!

- What is it, Joey?

This is 1938... there won't be

Sea World for another 30 years.

You tried to trick me.

Now I kill you all.

Mine!

[Both Grunt]

Don Cortino!

[Muffled]

Godfather.

[Anthony Narrating]

Papa taught me the virtue of vengeance.

Now was time to take control

of the family business.

But first I had to put my life back

on track, and that meant finding Diane.

[TV Announcer]

And although it seemed an impossible

dream just a few years ago,

the feeling today fluctuates

between anxious anticipation...

and outright exhilaration

as political and spiritual leaders...

from every country on Earth

have convened at this historic site...

to witness the final signature

on the document...

that will secure and guarantee

world peace in perpetuity.

The "Peace For All Time"

treaty... or P-FAT,

as it has been dubbed

by its author and champion,

the President of the United States...

marks the culmination

of one person's heroic crusade...

to end strife,

no matter where it may occur.

The presidential limousine

is arriving.

The president is emerging

and striding triumphantly forward.

One can only imagine the thoughts

that must be racing through her mind...

as the world's attention focuses

on this unprecedented achievement.

With the addition

of my signature today,

P-FAT becomes a reality.

It is my most fervent hope

that this be...

the moment when all mankind

comes together...

when at last the world's population

can rise as one, and say...

Anthony?

Oh, my God!

- Step back.

- Stand closely. Take the left.

- Anthony.

- It's good to see you, Diane.

What happened to your face?

Car exploded.

What are you doing here, Anthony?

I've taken over the family business.

I need you.

I care about you.

I came here...

because I want you to marry me

and come home with me.

Madam President... the treaty.

But what about P-FAT, Anthony?

I'm so near to fulfilling

the dream that... that we once shared.

There's someone I want you to meet.

This is my very good friend,

President Steen.

- Would you like to say hi to her?

- Hi, President Steen.

Hello. You're a daddy.

I'm a daddy.

So, what's your name?

- Diane.

- Like me!

I named him after his mother.

I'm a mother?

- Why didn't you tell me?

- You said you didn't want

to be a part of my life.

Oh!

Anthony, he's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen!

He looks just like me!

You smell good.

I had cantaloupe for lunch.

- You like football, huh?

- Uh-huh.

Ever since Michael Irvin

laid off the nose candy.

Do you want to play?

- I'd love to.

- Are you my real mommy?

Uh-huh.

[Sniffles, Honks]

Go long, Mommy.

[Cheering, Applause]

## [Bells Tolling]

[Joey]

Yeah, I understand, but...

I-I don't know

if I can make it there.

You sure?

You're out of the wedding, Joey.

It's a local call.

You gotta answer for Pop.

What the hell you talkin' about?

I had nothin' to do with that.

Fingered 'im. Just like you

set me up that day in Vegas...

that little sexual fromage-a-trois

you played with Pepper.

You think you can fool

another Cortino?

You bastarducci!

Sit down.

Get him a drink.

Tony, don't do this

to me, please.

You think I'd kill my own brother

just 'cause he tried to kill me?

Today's the day I settle

all family business.

- I'm putting you on a plane to Fargo.

- These are over the wing!

Now, tell me everything

that happened that night.

Don't lie to me,

because it insults my intelligence.

Pepper got me

together with Marzoni.

He said if I helped him out,

he'd make it worth my while.

- He said he'd make me

head of the family.

- I'd always take care of you.

You're my kid brother!

You take care of me?

I'm the oldest, Tony,

and I was stepped over!

- That was Pop's idea.

- Well, it wasn't my idea!

- You're a psychotic lunatic.

- And I deserve respect for that!

You broke my heart, Joey.

I don't ever want

to see you again.

That's, uh, $3.50.

## ["The Bridal March"]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the sight of God...

to join this man and this woman

in a state of holy matrimony.

- ## [Harpsichord]

- It is the most sacred of journeys,

one in which

the sanctity of human life...

is cherished and celebrated.

Your love must be sincere.

Detest what is evil,

cling to what is good,

- rejoice in hope,

be patient under trial,

- [Grunts]

Persevere in prayer,

be generous in offering hospitality.

Clothe yourselves

with heartfelt mercy...

with kindness, humility,

meekness and patience.

Bear with one another.

Forgive whatever grievances

you have against one another.

Dear friends, you have

come together in this church...

so that the Lord may seal

and strengthen your love...

in the presence of this church's

minister and community.

And so in the presence of the church,

I ask you to state your intentions.

Anthony and Diane,

have you come here freely

and without reservation...

to give yourselves

to each other in marriage?

[Together]

We have.

Will you love and honor each other,

as man and wife,

for the rest of your life?

- [Together] We will.

- Let us pray.

[Priest Praying In Latin]

[Praying Continues]

[Grunts]

- [Hissing]

- Huh?

[Chirps, Shrieks]

## [Celtic]

[Exhales]

[Priest] Anthony and Diane,

since it is your intention...

to enter into marriage, join your

right hands and declare your consent.

- [Groans]

- [Thud]

[Minister] Diane, do you take

Anthony for your lawful husband...

to have and to hold

from this day forward,

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

I do.

Anthony, do you take Diane

to be your lawfully wedded wife...

to have and to hold from this day

forward, for better, for worse,

- for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

- [Creatures Squawking]

- [Gasps]

- Till death do you part?

I do.

- [Screeching, Chirping]

- [Panting]

[Chuckie]

Ow! Yikes! Hey! Oh!

That's my liver, you dick!

[Screams]

## [Celtic]

Watch me. Watch me.

[Grunts]

- [Audience] Oh!

- [Screams]

- [Priest]

What God hath joined together...

- Not personal... is business.

Let no man tear asunder.

- [Farts] Scuzi.

- [Gasps]

Mazel Tov!

[Cheering]

## ["The Wedding March"]

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