JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2012
- 60 min
- 62 Views
- [Laughs]
I knew you'd show up.
You wanted to know
how I dooz it, right?
Ha ha! I'm letting you know,
right, how I dooz it.
A slice of "I dooz it" pie.
You know what "I dooz it" pie
consists of?
Nothing. Ain't nothing
in a "dooz it" pie,
'cause I don't know how to make
no damn pie.
If I made a pie, wouldn't have
nothing in there but dooz it!
[Laughs]
That's how I dooz it, baby.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
J.B. Smoove!
[Hip-hop music]
- That's how I dooz it,
yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
That's how I dooz it
- Y'all ain't ready
for this right here.
Rewind that!
[Tape rewinding rapidly]
[Hip-hop music repeats]
What up?
- That's how I dooz it,
yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
That's how I dooz it,
comin' with that gangster sh*t
- That's how I dooz it!
Come on, y'all, come on!
That's how I dooz it.
- Say my name
- That's how I dooz it.
- You can tell by the swag
- That's how I dooz it.
Come on, y'all, come on.
That's how I dooz it.
Yo, bounce that.
Bounce that, playboy.
Come on, bounce that.
Black man,
do it, black man.
Oh!
That's how I dooz it.
- That's how I dooz it
That's how I dooz it
That's how I dooz it
That's how I do...
- Ooh, shoot.
[Sighs]
Oh.
Oh, my God.
You feel that, playboy?
Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever let a white man
out-black you, playboy, ever.
Next time I see a white man
out-black you,
I'ma cuss your ass out.
White folks in here
giving it up like this.
You was like this.
[Laughs]
Oh, that's my jam right there.
That's how I dooz it!
You can have a baby
to that damn song, you hear me?
Play it again.
Play it again.
[Hip-hop music]
Oh, shoot!
What?
Boy, you see that black man
come out that white lady?
You saw that?
What he doing up in her?
Oh, you get amped like that,
you want to slap the sh*t
out of somebody.
Play it again. Play it again.
[Hip-hop music]
What's wrong with your ass?
[music stops]
Whoo!
Use that damn song
for any slapping occasion.
[Knocking]
Who is it?
[Lady's voice] Hello, young man.
I'm from a Jehovah's Witness.
[Normal voice]
Play that sh*t again.
[Hip-hop music]
Shut your old ass up!
Ugh!
Pick up all these
Goddamn pamphlets.
All this sh*t!
Too early for this.
Too early for this.
I don't care how you got here.
Boy, that damn song
come on the radio,
it don't matter
what the hell you driving.
You could be riding
a damn stagecoach...
being chased by the police.
You think your ass
can get away.
Play it again.
[Hip-hop music]
- That's how I dooz it,
yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
That's how I dooz it,
comin' with that gangster sh*t
That's how I dooz it,
y'all better grip with this
That's how I dooz it
[music stops]
- [Laughs]
Oh.
Oh, God.
Whoo!
You old school, playboy.
Look at you, boy!
Whoo!
With the DMC glasses on.
Right?
Whoo!
I'm old school too, playboy.
I quit my last job
like Run-DMC.
Like Rev Run,
I was like, "I'm out of here!"
"I'm out of here."
Oh, that damn song.
I almost came that time.
Whoo!
I'ma mess my new pants up.
New jeans, you know what I mean?
I almost came that time.
I get so excited,
you know what I mean?
I almost came in my new pants,
you know what I mean?
pants to the store tomorrow,
you know what I mean?
That's how I dooz it,
you know what I'm saying?
I wear them out,
take them back to the store,
and return them, man, right?
They give you a hard time
you try to return some jeans
with cum inside of them,
you know what I mean?
All these damn questions.
"Uh, sir, there's white stuff
inside these pants."
"You're damn right there's white
stuff inside those damn pants.
"I'm not going
to wear them again.
"Fold them up, put them
back on the damn shelf.
Too many damn questions
right now."
Believe me,
I'm a big-time comer,
hear me?
She peeked inside
them damn pants,
said "God damn!"
They call me "big-time comer."
That's how I come.
That's how I come.
Like that,
that's how I come.
I come sideways.
I don't give a damn... sideways.
I come on your ankle, all over
your ankle, all over your ankle.
It's like that silly string.
Come out like silly string.
You invite my ass
to your party,
boy, I'll jack your party up.
I'll come in that damn party,
come on your friends.
Like, "Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
"He's a a**hole.
He's getting cum on everybody.
"Who invited this guy?
"He's getting cum
on everybody's face.
He's an a**hole!"
[Cheers and applause]
All you guys got
that weak-ass cum.
I can tell by your face
right now.
You got that weak-ass cum.
Yeah, you got
that weak-ass cum.
And you got
that weak-ass cum.
[Whispering]
Got that weak-ass cum.
[Normal voice]
You finish tapping that ass,
your cum just break by itself.
Weak-ass cum!
My cum like a jump rope.
My sh*t's strong like this.
Got that power line...
Like power line.
My sh*t's cum... it's strong!
When I finish coming,
I got to cut my sh*t
with a pair of scissors.
Thank you, girlfriend,
for the piece of ass.
Just let me cut
this damn cum.
Now roll it up.
Make it nice and neat.
Got to roll it up like that.
The ladies do not like
tangled-up cum.
You got to hang your cum up
nice and neatly.
See that?
You hang it up.
Oh.
I love being back
in my city, man.
Whoo.
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, I live in L.A. Now, man.
Oh, man.
L.A. Got a lot
of good-looking people, man.
I was in L.A., man.
I saw a handsome homeless guy.
This dude was like this here.
Uh-huh, like this.
"You ain't got
no change at all?
"Come on, you got something.
Don't you got something?
No change?"
L.A. Is a trip, boy!
All day in L.A., all you see
in L.A. Is kidnappings
and high-speed car chases.
Yeah, boy.
They love to take your ass
in L.A., right?
But I'll tell you
one thing, man.
It's not a whole lot of kids.
The bad part about these
kidnappings nowadays,
a lot of grown-ass people
getting kidnapped.
You 35 Goddamn years old
and your ass get kidnapped,
you missin', it's your fault!
I'm not gonna blame
a damn kidnapper.
It's your fault, 'cause your ass
ain't paying attention
to your surroundings.
If you walkin'
down the damn street
and there's a dude
riding on a sidewalk
with two wheels on the curb
riding the same speed
you walking like this,
that's bad news.
If you got a late-model,
black-ass van,
let me tell you
something right now.
Late-model black-ass vans
ain't never been associated
with anything but bad news.
A black-ass van
roll up, right?
It's got that big-ass,
old-ass door, right?
The big, old...
I'm talking about 1980
and lower black-ass van,
with the click, click...
[imitates whooshing]
"Get your ass in here!"
[Imitates whooshing]
[Imitates breaks squealing]
Three seconds,
your ass is taken.
Those new vans, the f***ing door
move too damn slow.
You got to press
the damn button,
and the door do this
right here.
You be like...
"Aah!
He's trying to take me!"
"Go, go, go!
Close the f***ing door.
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Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 26 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jb_smoove:_that's_how_i_dooz_it_11208>.
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