JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It Page #2

---

Close the Goddamn door!"

[Imitates tires squealing]

Be mad as hell.

"She saw my Goddamn face.

"I told you 1980 and lower!

"You pop in

with a brand-new-ass minivan.

"She saw my damn face!

"She had time to get

in the van,

"look at me again,

and time to get the hell out

before the damn door closed."

Them damn police officers, ooh.

The L.A. Police

are notorious.

They don't give a f***

about your ass.

Cops do not like chasing

your ass.

They get mad

when they got to chase your ass.

Right?

They don't mind the car.

They don't mind riding

in a slow-speed car chase

or a high-speed car chase.

The car might run out of gas,

or the spike strip's gonna bust

the tires or something, right?

But when you hop out

that damn car...

let me tell you something...

a cop get madder

than a motherf***er.

They be like this...

"God damn."

[Inhales sharply]

"He done hopped out

the Goddamn car."

Cops get pissed off.

You know why?

'Cause cops got a ton

of bullshit on their belt.

This sh*t heavy.

This sh*t heavy as hell.

It's a whole lot of sh*t

on that damn belt.

That's like, your ass

work in an office, right?

You an accountant,

or you work in an office,

and your ass walking around

the damn office

with a Goddamn printer

on your f***ing belt.

Goddamn paper

and staplers and sh*t.

Go... Goddamn monitor...

Goddamn scanner.

All your sh*t is on your belt.

You walk around all day

with that,

all day with that sh*t

on your belt.

Your pants all low,

your pants all low,

'cause all that sh*t

heavy as hell.

You like, "Oh, sh*t,

I'm wearing low-riders

right now."

[Laughs]

Got all that sh*t.

You at Starbucks or somewhere,

you in a coffee shop,

trying to get

some Goddamn lunch,

all that sh*t on your belt, just

in case some business happens,

you know what I mean?

I'm glad I got

this Goddamn scanner with me.

[Imitates scanner whirring]

Thank God I brung

this damn printer.

You look at a cop, right?

You ever look

at a cop real good?

Look at a cop from head to toe.

Look at this... God damn.

Look at all that stupid sh*t.

They got tons of dumb sh*t

on that belt.

Tons of dumb-ass sh*t, right?

They got... the Goddamn gun.

They got a Goddamn Taser,

f***ing mace,

Goddamn ticket book,

f***ing whistles,

Godda...

Goddamn walkie-talkie

on that motherf***er.

F***ing lie detector,

DNA tester,

Breathalyzer,

got a f***ing Breathalyzer,

Goddamn coffee maker

on that motherf***er.

That's a whole lot

of bullshit.

When you hop out that

Goddamn car and start running,

the first thing a cop

is thinking is, "God damn.

"He gonna make me

chase his ass

with all this bullshit

on this belt!"

[Screams]

"God!"

[Thumping]

Coffee spilling.

[Shrieks]

"I'm gonna kill your ass!"

You got a backup cop

hanging over here...

a backup cop over here.

Another dude like...

[stammering]

"Make a left. Make a left.

Make a left."

[Thumping]

"Left, motherf***er.

Left, left, left, left."

"Your left, your left?

My left?"

"My left, motherf***er.

My left!"

You got to be in shape

to escape two damn cops, right?

If you want to steal, right,

have your ass in shape.

Don't be trying to steal sh*t

if your ass ain't in shape.

Right?

Your ass

got to be in shape to steal.

Get your ass in the gym.

Get your wind up.

Get your strength up, right?

You will frustrate the f***

out of a police officer

if he can't catch your ass.

"This guy's incredible.

"This guy knew

this day was gonna come.

"He is prepared for our ass.

I'm gonna run out of gas

on this motherf***er right now."

Get your ass in the gym.

Get in the Goddamn gym and get

on that f***ing treadmill.

You get

on that f***ing treadmill,

and you work that sh*t.

I'ma steal everything.

I'm gonna get

that Goddamn wind up.

Then the police

can't f*** with me!

You jogging.

There's a white man

on his treadmill,

a nosy-ass white man

on his treadmill next to you.

[Laughing sarcastically]

"Are you a new member?"

Shut the f*** up!

[Cheers and applause]

I'm training

to steal some sh*t, b*tch.

Give me that Goddamn iPod.

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

You don't want to mess around

with no damn police.

You don't want to mess around

with the damn police, man.

Anybody been downtown before?

Anybody been arrested before?

Anybody been arrested?

Anybody been arrested before?

Anybody been arrested?

You don't want to admit it.

You been arrested?

Oh, hell, no, girl.

Been to jail before?

Been downtown, right?

You don't want to play around

with them damn cops, right?

You know the difference

between getting arrested

and going to jail, right?

It's two difference.

There's a damn difference

between going to jail

and getting arrested.

When you go to jail,

you go to jail.

You get arrested,

you get taken.

That mean you resisted,

or something happened.

Something got twisted, and the

cop treated you real bad, right?

When a cop got to chase

your ass,

he tackle you, right?

This is where it gets rough.

He put that damn knee

in your damn back like that.

Put that damn knee

in your back like that, right?

Put that damn knee

right there.

Yeah!

Got your ass now, yeah.

Right?

You give up.

You give up!

Right? You put your hand

behind your back.

"You got me, officer.

You got me.

You got me, officer."

And what he says?

"Yeah, I sure do."

Don't you ever,

when you get arrested,

put your hand

behind your back.

You always do this,

always do this.

And you squinch your face up

like this.

Like this.

[Squeals]

He gonna hit you hard as hell.

He gonna hit your ass hard.

If you do this to your face,

it reduces the pain by 45%,

like this.

"Here it come. Here it come.

Here it come!

Aah!"

I seen a cop hit a dude

so hard.

I mean, this cop was trying

to kill this dude.

Hit this guy so damn hard, man,

that he would hit himself

before he hit the damn suspect.

[Screaming]

"Ow!

"I'ma kill your ass!

Ow!"

They both need a ambulance.

"Oh, God.

Cop down! Cop down!"

"Have you been shot?"

"No! I hit myself in the back.

And my suspect is unconscious."

Cops don't be playing, man.

Then they get rough.

Then they get real rough.

Then they grab your ass.

They bend your wrist like this.

The first move, they bend

your damn wrist like this.

They push this wrist back

so Goddamn far, your toe hurt.

"Why's my toe hurting?

Ow.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, my toe!

Why is my toe hurting?"

The nerves from your wrist are

attached to your Goddamn toe.

Cops don't f*** around.

They grab that damn arm,

they bend like this,

they turn it,

they pull that sh*t,

and they rip that mo...

[groans]

Put your face

on the damn car like this.

Oh, God damn.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, officer, okay!

You're hurting my arm!

You got to tell

that damn officer,

"Officer, there's a ligament

in this f***ing arm.

The whole body

is loaded with ligaments.

Ligaments run the body.

Your body is full

of f***ing ligaments.

[Laughs]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes