JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It Page #3

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A lot of people think the body

is 75% water or whatever it is.

It's 75% ligaments.

That officer bend your damn arm

and twist your wrist like this.

And you're f***ing...

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

And you mess around and rip that

ligament while he twisting it,

guess what you're stuck with

for three months.

This right here.

I don't give a damn

how handsome your ass is.

You walk in the club

with this right here...

Your whole body

jacked up, right?

The pants crooked.

You got the pants over here.

You look like this.

You done jacked up

your damn ligament.

Now your ligament

all jacked up, right?

You walk into a club

with this right here,

believe me,

heads will turn.

"What up, playboy?

What's going on, fools?"

"What the hell

happened to you?"

"Man, the police done

f***ed up my ligament."

This ain't good

for nothing, right?

Be in the damn club

trying to hang out and sh*t.

You know what I mean?

Meeting girls.

"What's up, baby?

Come here.

"Let me holler at you

right quick.

"Come here.

Let me talk to you right quick.

"Get your ass over here.

"I'm gonna hook

the hook on your arm.

"Get your ass over here.

I'm talking to you.

Don't... don't... don't do that."

[Laughs]

This ain't good for nothing.

Know what it's good for?

Putting in ingredients.

Put a little oregano in there,

a dash of pepper,

and you drizzle some teriyaki,

drizzle.

It's a drizzler too.

Then you stir it up

with the same hand.

You stir it up.

[Laughs]

You serve it

with the same hand too.

See that?

You want some Kool-Aid?

You want some fruit punch?

Fruit punch.

I got fruit punch over here.

Got fruit punch.

You say it ain't sweet?

It ain't sweet? It ain't sweet?

Goddamn sugar

at the bottom, huh?

Sugar at the bottom.

Try to be cool with this.

[Cheers and applause]

Your ass can't even get a job

because your arm

all jacked up, right?

You going to interviews

everywhere.

"Hey, I want...

can I get a job?"

All the doors

slam in your face

'cause your damn arm

all f***ed up.

You got to get a job

doing children's parties,

you know what I mean?

Doing shadow puppet shows

and sh*t.

Your ass doing sh*t...

All right, kids.

Oh.

Did I tell you kids

what happened to my arm?

The police messed up

Mr. Johnson's ligament, kids.

So I got a swan.

I got a rabbit

and a pair of scissors.

So the swan and the rabbit

went to Staples

to steal a pair of scissors.

And the rabbit was like,

"Come on, man, we don't got

to steal no damn scissors.

"It ain't like we ain't got

no damn money, man.

We got money. We can buy

our own pair of scissors."

And the swan was like,

"F*** that sh*t.

"I'm not paying

for no damn scissors.

I'ma keep it real up in here."

"Come on, man.

Not today, man.

This ain't even cool, man.

You got money in your pocket."

"I got money... my money

in my pocket.

"Like I said!

"You can be a b*tch

if you want to,

but I'm not paying

for no motherfucking scissors."

[Cheers and applause]

This is the swan

getting arrested.

"Ah, ah, ah."

Took his ass to jail

and put his ass in f***ing jail.

That's how he look in jail.

"Let me out of here!

Yo, what you doing?

Stop, stop!"

"Stop, stop!"

All the guys ask me...

after the show

is about ligaments.

I'm a Goddamn ligament expert,

you understand?

Your whole body is full...

when I tell you your body...

fellas, let me tell you

about fellas and ligaments.

Your whole body is loaded

with ligaments, fellas.

Right?

You got a ligament

that separates

your balls

and your a**hole.

You know what I'm saying?

There's a ligament that runs

right here, right here,

between here.

Put your hand down there,

feel right now.

Put your hand down there,

fellas.

Put your hand... put your hand

down there, feel it.

It separates

your balls and your a**hole.

It's a little piece of ligament.

Look at me, right there.

It's a little piece of ligament

that separates these two.

See that? It's a little piece

of ligament right there, right?

That's how

your body's designed.

You got to have

a little space there.

You can't just go

balls and a**hole.

You can't just go straight

to balls and a**hole, right?

Your balls... your balls cannot

be too close to your a**hole.

You'll f*** around and sh*t your

nuts out, you know what I mean?

This is called

the spring ligament,

the spring ligament,

the spring ligament.

This ligament right here is

the spring ligament, understand?

Right?

When you use this ligament

right here, this is called...

this ligament gives you

the lift.

It picks your johnson up.

A lot of people think

the blood does all the work.

No, no, no, no, no,

the blood fills your johnson up.

It's the spring ligament's

responsibility

to lift your johnson up.

Somebody got to pick

your johnson up.

You think blood's that damn

strong to pick your johnson up?

The blood gets it hard.

But the spring ligament

lifts it up, you understand?

A lot of guys don't even know

it's down there.

You don't even know

it's down there

till you get tender one day,

like, "Ow, what I do last...

ooh, ooh."

You having rough-ass sex,

and you realize something

ain't right right there.

Anybody ever get that feeling?

Any guys?

Like, "Ooh, what did

I do right there?

What did I do?

What did I do?"

You doing some acrobatic stuff.

You're trying to do something

funky, something crazy.

You trying to do

something crazy,

and you pull that little piece

of ligament right there.

You pull it.

You know how you pull it? I'll

tell you how you pull it too.

When your lady give you

the double whammy.

Know what a double whammy is?

When she pull on your balls

and your johnson

at the same damn time.

Like this.

"Ugh! Aah!"

She done pulled

your damn ligament.

She done messed

your damn ligament up.

You in the bathroom like,

"Ow, ow, what the hell she do?

"Ow, it's tender.

It's tender.

"It's tender.

Ow, it's tender."

You walk in that bedroom.

Your lady's on the bed.

She's like, "Mm.

Where you been at? Come on."

You're like, "Oh, sh*t."

'Cause now

you ain't got no damn lift.

The blood came to work.

Your johnson hard as a rock.

But it's aimed

to the damn ground like that,

like that.

You're like, "Oh, man,

what am I going to do?"

She's like,

"Come on, baby, what you doing?

Come on."

"Oh, sh*t."

Now you got to think, think,

think, think, think.

You got to make love

to your lady somehow.

"What the f*** am I going to do?

What the f*** am I going to do?"

You got to... you got to turn

your lady upside down.

You got to pogo stick that ass.

[Cheers and applause]

Got to go

to the gym, man, right?

Work your ass out,

get strong.

See, I go to the gym.

I try to go to the gym a little

to work out.

I get irritated

when I go to the gym.

As soon as I walk in the gym,

I get irritated. You know why?

'Cause everything

is so damn heavy... all this sh*t.

Ain't no light sh*t in here?

[Grunting]

What the f*** is this?

I got in a new gym, man.

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