JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It Page #4
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2012
- 60 min
- 58 Views
My new gym so Goddamn heavy...
My new gym so damn heavy, the
door to get in that sh*t heavy.
I'll be like, "God damn,
"how the f*** you get
in this Goddamn gym?
"What kind of door is this?
God damn!
"F***!
"What kind of Goddamn door
is this?
"F***. Whoo!
"How the f*** you get
in this Goddamn gym?
"Hey, man, people outside
can't get in!
"What kind of Goddamn door
is this?
"I got to wait outside
for somebody to leave
"to get in the Goddamn gym.
"When somebody leave, I'll slide
up in this motherf***er.
"Hold the door.
Hold that Goddamn door.
"Hold the door!
Hold the door!
"God damn.
"I'm in the gym.
"I don't know how I'ma leave,
but I'm up in this motherf***er.
"I got to pull the fire alarm
to leave.
We all leaving
at the same Goddamn time."
Firemen run in.
I'm running the f*** out.
Take care of your damn lady.
Right?
Take care of your damn lady.
This your lady
right here, playboy?
Take care
of your damn lady, man.
Take care of your lady.
Mm-hmm.
[Laughs]
Aw, look at him.
All:
Aw.They're so cute.
You buy nice things,
perfume and that kind of stuff?
Don't you ever buy no perfume!
A man can't buy
a lady perfume, playboy.
You know why?
Let me tell you why.
It takes women
a thousand years
to find the right fragrance
that smells good on them.
Perfume ain't sh*t.
You understand?
Perfume is not what makes
your lady smell good.
Your lady makes your lady
smell good.
Every lady has
their own natural chemistry.
You don't believe me?
Next time you're walking down
in Times Square, right?
Next time you in Times Square,
every lady you walk by,
just lick their face.
You're going to go
to jail, but...
you will find out that every
lady tastes a little different.
You understand?
All you can do is
go in that damn cabinet...
that's all you can do,
is go in the cabinet,
see what's almost empty,
take it, look at it,
and go and buy more of the stuff
that she used up already.
You know what I'm saying?
You come back,
you give her that damn perfume
I'm telling you,
you're gonna get a piece of ass.
She gonna be like, "Oh, my God,
"You are paying attention to me.
"You went in the cabinet
and found out what was empty.
"Oh, my God, I love you.
I freakin' love you,
you know that?"
But see, now you can't do it
with this lady,
'cause she just heard me.
Your next girlfriend...
[cheers and applause]
All I buy my wife...
let me tell you.
All I buy... I'm smart.
All I buy is things
I know she loves.
You know what I mean?
All I buy is, like,
high-heel stilettos.
That's the sexiest sh*t
in the f***ing world, right?
When a lady know how to work
them damn high-heeled shoes,
this sh*t right here.
This is the sexiest sh*t
in the Goddamn world.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I feel sexy right now.
You know what I mean?
You got to be careful
walking around like this.
This dude... look right here.
He looking at me like,
"Hmm. J.B., what's up, man?
Looking sexy
in them damn heels, J.B."
I don't care about nothing.
I don't care
about nothing else...
lingerie, none of that stuff.
I don't give a damn
what my wife got on.
My wife can have on
shoulder pads and a baby diaper.
I don't give a f***.
Put them damn shoes on.
She can have a whole...
a beekeeper outfit.
I don't give a f***.
[Imitating bees buzzing]
I'd be like, "Look at that lady
working them Goddamn shoes.
Look at her
working them shoes."
[Imitates buzzing]
Ooh, that's sexy!
[Imitates buzzing]
I don't know a man in here
who's turned on by a lady
walking around
with her lazy ass
in some damn flip-flops.
That's the laziest sh*t.
You come home
from a hard-ass day at work.
You worked your ass off.
You walk in the damn house.
She walk up to you,
"Hey, baby, what's up?"
With that stupid-ass
flip-flop face.
You know that flip-flop face?
I bust my ass all day
for this sh*t right here?
You learn how to walk
in them damn heels
and get sexy for your man.
Some girls look sexy
in the shoes
'cause they know what the hell
they doing.
they don't know
what they doing, right?
They put the damn shoes on
trying to be sexy,
they ass look sneaky 'cause
they don't know how to walk.
Trying to be all sexy like...
Some girls look sexy
in the shoes.
Some look sneaky
in the shoes.
Some girls put them damn
shoes on, turn your ass off.
They ass look like
Tyrannosaurus Rex
in the damn shoes.
You be like,
"F*** it, f*** it, f*** it!
"Put them Goddamn flip-flops
back on
"before you eat all the Goddamn
plants in this damn house.
Stop eating them
Goddamn plants."
It is not... I repeat, learn how
to walk in some shoes, ladies.
It don't make
no damn sense, right?
Your mama should get up
early in the morning...
You in the house.
on f***ing flip-flops
all Goddamn day, right?
Should take your 28-,
30-year-old ass outside,
put your ass on the curb
and say, "Look here.
"Look here. Wake up!
Be still! Stop shaking!
"All right?
Don't be nervous.
"I know. I know it's hard
to stand up.
"I know. I know. I know.
"You gonna learn how to walk in
these Goddamn heels today, okay?
"Relax!
"I'ma get your ass going.
"You get out there and find
you a Goddamn boyfriend.
"Oh, f***.
"Get your ass up!
"Relax! Relax!
Stop crying."
"Take your f***ing time!
"Okay?
"Okay, let's try it again.
Come on, come on.
God damn it!"
Slow your ass down.
There's a lot of sh*t I'm trying
to get into now, man.
I played
my first villain, right?
For this movie,
I played a villain.
Something cool
about being a evil-ass.
Wish I could do things at will,
you know what I mean?
Like, do things at will,
like...
You know what
I wish I could do?
I wish I could just, like,
pile-drive somebody
anytime I wanted to,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, I gave you...
I gave you a five.
You gave me change
for a one.
Yeah.
Yeah, look in that...
in that pile of ones.
You'll see a five.
Yeah.
No, no, no,
it's... it's...
No, come on, dog.
Come on, man.
Check the pile of ones
and give me my change back.
Okay.
[Laughs]
Ah, man,
you a damn fool, man.
If you don't give me
whoo!
You got me tripping
up in here!
[Yells]
What's up, Grandma?
What's up?
What's up, Grandma?
Love you, baby.
Huh? What are you talking
about, Grandma?
What are you talking about?
Come on, come on, Grandma.
I'm showing you
some love, Grandma.
Give me some love, Grandma.
Stop playing.
You just got out the hospital.
You should be feeling...
You know, what's up?
I came to see you a few times.
What do you mean?
You don't remember me
coming to see you?
No, come on, Grandma.
I ain't go in your purse.
Come on, Grandma.
[Scoffs]
Come on, Grandma,
you tripping up in here now.
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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