JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It Page #5

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Come on.

I'm your grandson.

Why am I gonna go in

your Goddamn purse for, Grandma?

Come on, baby.

Come on, Grandma.

Come... Grandma.

[Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

Grandma?

Grandma?

[Laughs]

Grandma?

[Laughs]

If I was a hero,

I'd probably be the kind of hero

who could catch your ass,

but can't hold you

till the police got there.

I think my archenemy

would be a guy named

Get The F*** Off Me.

I got you!

"Get the f*** off me."

Come on, man,

stop playing around.

You committed a crime.

You got to go.

"Get the f*** off me,"

I said.

Don't touch me, motherf***er.

Got to be strong.

Ladies love to feel protected

at all times.

You got to protect your lady

whether you

in a grocery store, right?

Or you in a park,

or you in a club.

Ladies always want to feel

protected.

You know what I'm saying?

How's your lady, playboy?

Take care of your lady, man.

Take care of her ass, man.

You know what ladies love?

Ladies want to feel protected.

Know what they like?

When you make love to 'em,

pick 'em off the ground.

Oh.

Give me some love

up in here.

Come on, player,

that's your sh*t.

That's your sh*t too, right?

I can tell.

You a big-ass dude.

You a big, strong-ass dude.

When you pick a woman

up in the air

and make love to her

like that...

ladies love it!

They love it!

They feel protected,

right, big man?

You strong as hell.

You got that

one-hand thing, right?

One hand, two seats, right?

One hand, two seats, right?

They love it.

They love it.

Put their arm around your neck.

"Oh, I love you so much.

Ah, I feel so protected.

I feel so safe."

You be like,

"Damn right. Bam."

You got to be strong, though.

Got to be strong.

Got to have

that kind of strength.

See, I don't have

that kind of strength,

you know what I'm saying?

My wife picked me up.

I be like, "God damn.

"Oh, you tearing daddy ass up!

Oh, this is crazy!"

That's some punk-ass sh*t

right there, right?

Right?

Your lady pick you up, right?

You're a grown-ass man.

Your damn legs is wrapped

around your lady's waist.

What kind of sh*t is this,

where you're...

"Ah. Ah.

Oh, you're tearing daddy

ass up, baby!"

You got a mirror. You can see

yourself in the mirror.

"Look at my stupid ass

in the mirror.

I can't look at myself

right now."

Your lady gonna put your

damn legs over her shoulders.

What kind of sh*t is this?

You're a grown-ass man.

"Ah, sh*t.

"Look at my stupid ass

in the mirror.

Old lady f***ing

the sh*t out of me!"

[Cheers and applause]

Lady wants your ass strong.

They want you f***ing strong.

We had a little incident

on our honeymoon.

People ask me how you get

in a position

where your lady picking

your ass up.

We were on our honeymoon.

We was going to Hawaii.

And I was like,

"Yeah! Whoo-whoo!"

She was like, "What's up?"

I said, "What's up, baby?"

She said,

"I want to ask you something."

I said, "What's up?

You know?

"What's up? What's up?

You know?

What's going down, baby?"

That's how the f*** I do, too,

in first class.

Right?

You in first class, you do

what the f*** you want to do,

you hear me?

There's no sign that says

you can't do this, right?

There's a sign that says

no smoking, right?

Put the seat belt on.

But there's no little X

through a Captain Morgan

motherf***er, like this.

Listen, I said,

"What's up, baby?"

My wife said,

"Uh, look here.

When we get to Hawaii,

I want to get freaky."

I said, "Okay, what's up,

what's up, what's up?"

"When we get to Hawaii,

I want you to make love to me

"and pick me off the ground.

Pick me up

and make love to me."

I said, "Look here, baby.

"I'm strong

for a minute at a time.

"After that first minute,

your life

is in your own hands."

That first minute,

you couldn't tell me sh*t.

Had my wife in the air,

tearing that ass up.

Whoo!

Mwah!

[Laughs]

[Laughter and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

"You okay?"

[Panting]

"You all right?"

"What's the matter?

You don't want to do it

no more?"

I tore my wife ass up.

We had a romantic dinner

the next night.

Sitting there,

she mad as hell.

She had

a big-ass rug burn going.

My wife got me into yoga now.

I'm doing yoga.

That yoga's

something else, right?

Whoo!

I'm good for one day a year

with that sh*t.

Some people good.

Some guys are more flexible

than women.

I seen a dude who crossed

his f***ing leg, right?

But he put his whole leg

around his waist first.

Then he put his sh*t like that.

I was like, "God damn,

you flexible."

You know you flexible when

you can put your f***ing feet

in your pocket...

and walk home on your ass

like this.

I said, "Oh, sh*t!

"This dude is crazy.

He's mad flexible."

My wife done taught my damn dog

how to do yoga.

You know what I mean?

That's crazy, man.

You out there walking

your damn dog.

Your dog taking a piss

like this.

I'm like, "Yeah, he know yoga.

Yeah, he know yoga."

I feel safe when I come back

to New York, man.

I feel safe when I come here,

you know what I mean?

This is my town, man.

People go other places, man,

get surprised by crime.

You know what I mean?

Buddy of mine went to London,

went to f***ing London,

got mugged in London.

That's some bullshit.

You travel your ass

all the way over there,

f***ing eight hours?

You travel all the way

over there, right?

You left New York City,

the crime capital of the world.

Your ass go

all the way to London

and get your ass robbed

in London?

How you gonna get robbed

in London?

I didn't want to make him

feel bad.

But I said,

"Man, I'll be damned...

"if I'm gonna let a dude

rob my ass

wearing some Goddamn trousers."

"He wearing

some f***ing knickers.

He robbed your ass

in knickers."

I would've gave him $45,

tell him,

"Here, go buy some baggy jeans

and come back,

"and I'll give you

the rest of the f***ing money,

"'cause you ain't robbing me in

no tight-ass Goddamn trousers,

motherf***er."

Take your f***ing money

and make a getaway

driving on the left-hand side

of the f***ing street,

sitting on the Goddamn right,

you know what I mean?

You like, "What the f***

just happened?

"I got robbed

in a f***ing mirror?

What the f***

just happened to me?"

I'm enjoying this

f***ing comedy sh*t too, man.

This is f***ing fun sh*t, man.

Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

What's up, big man?

Having a good time, big man?

Big man doing his thing,

right, big man?

Right? It ain't nothing better

than being that powerful, right?

You a powerful-ass dude, right?

Right? You'll f***

somebody ass up, won't you?

Tell the truth.

You'll beat

somebody ass, right?

Tell the truth.

You'll beat somebody ass.

Hey, no, no, no,

you'll beat somebody ass.

No, I'm not asking you,

I'm telling you.

You'll beat somebody ass.

You'll beat somebody ass.

"Well, you know,

I f*** some people up, yeah."

Big people do

big Goddamn things,

you know what I'm saying,

big man?

Build a house.

Build a house, big man.

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