JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It Page #6
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2012
- 60 min
- 57 Views
Build a house, right?
Knock a damn house down.
Be a repo man with no truck.
Let's take
a motherf***er's car.
You don't want to pay your car,
no, God damn it?
This is what the f*** happens.
This Goddamn car
going back to the bank!
I wish you would come out
that Goddamn house.
Think I give a f***
about this car, huh?
This ain't nothing but a job
to me, b*tch.
Don't be in the Goddamn window
yelling sh*t
out the Goddamn window.
F*** your car.
If I was your size, man,
I'd take the world over.
Can't do sh*t with this body.
Can't do sh*t.
This body ain't worth sh*t
right here.
If I was, like, 6'9", 350,
I'd take the world over.
You hear me?
I f*** around and rob a bank
with my fist.
You know what time it is.
Put that money
in that Goddamn bag.
Everybody get on the ground,
your asses out.
You see this
in your f***ing face?
I'll knock your ass out
with this.
You put that money
in that Goddamn bag...
or I'll put this
on your f***ing face!
I wish you would press
that f***ing button.
I get busted,
you gonna get busted
in your Goddamn face!
You big and strong.
You do what the hell
you want to do, right?
You ain't scared of sh*t,
right, playboy?
Right?
You ain't scared of sh*t, right?
Right?
You get to a grocery store
and don't give nobody
their damn change back.
Yeah, that's $3.99.
I have a 50.
Get the f*** out of my face!
My Goddamn change!
You don't get no change.
That's all the f*** I make
around here is a profit.
Every big man need
a little man to hang out with.
Little dudes love hanging around
with big-ass dudes, right?
It don't matter
what big man doing,
little dude be
right there, right?
"You will get my Goddamn money,
and I want my money tomorrow."
And little dude be like,
"Yeah, get his Goddamn money,
or you gonna get f***ed up."
Big man could be tapping
some ass, right?
Tearing that ass up.
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
Little man be like,
"Yeah! Tear that ass up!
"My man f***ing the sh*t
out your ass.
"Tear that ass up.
"Let me get
a piece of that ass.
"Let me get
a piece of this ass.
"Let me get a piece of this.
"She up here
laughing at me.
"I can't f*** her.
I can't f*** her.
"You f*** her.
I can't f*** her ass.
Tear that ass up!"
I'm old school too.
Some cats
real old school, right?
I saw a cat back there
old school.
Old school.
You old school.
People think gunplay
started, like, now.
These kids been shooting
and stuff.
No.
They been shooting
since the '30s.
It just had
You got into a beef
with somebody,
you took their ass
to your own backyard.
You went back to back.
You go ten damn paces
like this.
You turn around
and shoot they ass.
Pow!
Right?
You shoot them dead
in their motherfucking chest.
They tip their hat to the lady...
your derby.
You twist your mustache
like this.
You get on that bicycle
with the big-ass front wheel
and the little wheel
in the back,
and you ride the f*** off
like this.
Anybody here drink?
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah.
Got to be careful
what you drinking, man.
Got to make your own drinks up.
All I drink is, like, rum
and energy drinks
mixed together.
'Cause rum will tear
your ass up, right?
Rum will tear your... rum will get
you so damn drunk, right?
Put your energy drink
in there,
and you'll be too... so drunk.
But the energy drink
gives you energy,
so you're drunk,
but your ass can't fall.
You get that Segway balance,
that Segway balance.
Like this right here.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
God...
So many things
you got to do, man,
to keep your relationship going.
Your lady got to know
how to cook.
Her ass got to know
how to cook.
I don't mean f***ing around.
You know,
Sh*t that men
like to eat, right?
You ever eaten
some fried chicken
that was
so f***ing horrible, right?
That was so terrible.
You f*** up fried chicken,
you ain't sh*t.
You ever taste
some damn chicken so horrible
that you wished the chicken
would show up at your house
and show your lady
how to cook him?
"Get the f*** out the way.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna show you
how to cook a piece of chicken."
He got to tie his own leg off.
Now pick that chicken leg up.
Pick it up!
Wash it off.
Wash it off.
Go in that damn cabinet.
Get the seasoning salt,
the paprika,
the salt, the pepper,
some flour, and a paper bag.
And hurry up.
This don't make
no Goddamn sense.
I got to show your ass
how to cook me?
on the Goddamn stove.
Pour some Goddamn grease in it...
375, let it heat up.
This don't make
no f***ing sense.
Wash that chicken off good...
'cause I could kill your ass
with salmonella.
I'm getting so weak.
Now put that chicken
in the Goddamn pan.
Let it cook 15 minutes
on one side,
then turn it
on the other side,
15 more minutes.
Oh, sh*t.
I'm blacking out.
I'm getting real weak here.
Oh, God.
[Panting]
Let it brown real good
on both sides.
[Panting]
When that chicken get done,
you come up here,
and you snap my neck.
And you rotisserie
the rest of me.
Now, don't f*** this up now.
475 in the oven, covered up
with aluminum foil.
[Laughing]
[Cheers and applause]
Everybody got
a damn sex tape, right?
Everybody got a damn sex tape.
Nobody should be making
them Goddamn sex tapes.
Only reason you make sex tapes
is for quality assurance.
You and your lady
sit on that damn couch.
Y'all figure out
what the hell happened.
"See, now, look at that.
Look, look, look, look, look.
"You dry.
Your ass dry.
"You don't put no lotion
on your ass?
"Look at that.
Look, look, look, look, look.
"I'm tearing your ass up.
Was I hurting you?
"Did I hurt you like that?
"Did I hurt you when I put
your leg behind your head?
"Right there.
Yeah, uh-huh.
"Oh, sh*t.
Look, look, look, look.
"Junior came in the room.
Look, look, look, look.
"We didn't even hear his ass!
"We didn't even hear him
come in the room!
"We're still going!
Look at his f***ing face!
"Look at Junior's face!
[Laughing]
"Oh, sh*t!
"He called his sister!
Look!
They both standing like,
'What the f*** is y'all doing?"'
[Laughing wildly]
[Cheers and applause]
The world revolves...
around the man's johnson.
It does, whether you believe it
or not, ladies.
Look, you guys think that...
Women think they run
the world, right?
Like, a man has got to have
that stuff, right?
And we do got to have it.
But everybody avoids
the johnson.
You notice that?
On TV shows, movies,
you can catch a titty anywhere.
Can't catch no johnson nowhere.
People afraid
of the johnson, right?
They cut the johnson
out of everything, right?
The johnson's never there.
Even when a johnson's
supposed to be there,
a johnson ain't there.
Other day I'm home
watching TV, right? Right?
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jb_smoove:_that's_how_i_dooz_it_11208>.
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