Jennifer's Body

JENNIFER'S BODY

Hell! It's a teenage girl.

I guess, I'm not excatly perfect myself.

But at least I have my fans.

I mean, I get letters every day.

Mostly from perverts and chesters,

but still...

I'm kind of the sh*t.

Rec time started 5 minutes ago, Needy.

Grassy-ass, Raymundo.

Sometimes the letters are from people who

say that they're praying for me.

They tell me everything will be okay...

..if I just accept Jesus Christ into my heart.

I say the words, but nothing ever happens.

Nobody comes back.

Nobody gets off the cross.

Welcome to the Mental Olympics.

They're big on recreation here.

Supposedly it help us vent

our aggressions.

Personally, I think they're trying to

wear us out.

Keep us sluggish,

so there won't be an uprising.

Well, those J.V. tactics won't work aganist me.

I'm a kicker.

K-I-C-K-E-R.

It even says so on my chart.

Just one toastem, huh?

I like toastems.

Oh, that's good.

But I'm not sure toastem can provide

sufficient energy during the day.

I recommend more complex carbohydrates...

Oh, Jesus!

I recommend you shut the f*** up.

Alright!

I wasn't always this cracked.

I used to be normal.

Well, as nrmal as any girl...

..under the influence of teenage hormones.

But after the killings began,

I started to feel...

I don't know!

Loose around the edges or something.

Oh, God!

I hate this f***ing song.

This is where it all went down.

'Devil's Kettle' sounds twisted, I know, but...

The place is just named after a waterfall.

Technically, it's not a normal waterfall.

It goes into this hole...

..and it doesn't come out.

The scientist guys dropped all kind of

things down there...

..but nothing ever surfaces.

Maybe it's another dimension.

Or, you know, just really deep.

Just two months ago,

Me, Jennifer and my boyfriend Chip were

completely normal people.

We were our yearbook pictures.

Nothing more, nothing less.

There's Jennifer.

Only back then, we were tight.

Sisters, pratically.

People find it hard to believe...

..that a babe like Jennifer would associate

with a dork like me.

Sandbox love never dies.

You're totally lesbigay.

What?

She's my best friend.

I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance

With You performed by Black Kids

I've been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl.

One! I'm biting my tongue.

Two! He's kissing on you.

Three!

Hey, Monistat.

- What's up, Vagisil?

You and me are going out tonight.

Tonight, why?

Because Low Shoulder are playing

at Melody Lane.

They're this indie rock band from the city,

I saw their MySpace page...

..and the lead singer's extra-a-a salty.

Plus, there will be lots of other salty

morsels there for you.

Come on, Needy.

I promised Chip that

I would hang out with him tonight.

Boo! Cross out Needy!

What time is the show?

I'll pick you up at 8.30.

My mom has a date with that guy

who owns the ham store.

He seems nice.

Wear something cute, okay?

- Okay.

"Little Lover's So Polite"

performed by Silversun Pickups

'To wear something cute' meant something

very specific in Jennifer-speak.

It meant like I couldn't look like

a total zero.

But I couldn't upstage her either.

I could expose my stomach,

but never my cleavage.

Tits were her trademark.

Those jeans are hella low, I can...

..almost see your front butt.

It's a rock show.

I'm in my rock look.

Well, I can see like your womb, so...

I never even heard of Low Shoulder.

Which one is Jennifer stalking?

The lead singer.

Girls like her don't go out with drummers.

Thanks a lot.

No offense, I mean,

she'd probaly make an exception...

..if you were like a drummer...

..who is also a singer.

- Like, Phil Collins?

Who's Phil Collins?

Forget it.

He's seminal, but whatever...

Anyway, this singer guy,

Jennifer says he's extra salty.

So...

Salty?

'Salty' means beautiful.

Well, then you must be soy sauce, babe.

Jennifer's here.

- How do you know?

Needy, quit tampooning yourself

and get down here!

That's f***ing weird.

I'd better hurry before she's gets into...

You always do what Jennifer tells you to do.

- No, I don't.

It's just that I like the same things

as she likes.

We have stuff in common,

that's why we are B.F.F's.

You guys don't have anything in common.

Yeah, okay, joke.

Guess who's got the whip until 11.30?

A 2003 Chrysler Sebring and it's all mine.

Oh, Hi, Chip.

It smells like Thai food in here.

Have you guys been f***ing?

You're gross.

- No.

You're gross

- You're so gross.

F*** you!

Let's go to the club.

Melody Lane is not a club.

It's a bar.

Frankly, it's nt even a bar,

it's like a bingo hall with tabs.

Eat my ass, Chip.

You're just jello because

you're not invited.

I'm not jealous!

That place is disgusting.

Everyone in there has a mustache.

You're totally jello!

You're lime green jello and

you can't even admit it to yourself.

Stop kidnapping my girlfriend!

Your wish.

"Urgent"

performed by Foreigner

Chip was right.

Melody Lane is definitely not a club.

Clubs are for attractive people in

populous urban areas.

Clubs have DJ's and champagne.

All we have is a jukebox

and a sticker toilet.

I cannot wait...

..until I'm old enough to get wasted.

Hi, Jennifer.

You look very pretty.

What up, Craig.

He thinks he's cute enough for me.

And that's why he's in retard math.

Hey, it's Ahmet from India.

The foreign exchange guy.

I wonder if he's circumcised.

I always wanted to try sea cucumber.

Jennifer Check!

You shouldn't poison yourself

with that sh*t.

It's Roman here to arrest you,

in possession.

You're here to arrest me?

You're not even out of the academy yet, Roman!

Two more months.

And I'm on the force for real.

Are you, eh, gonna cuff me?

Don't do that.

Okay, not here.

Hey, there's the band.

You can tell they're totally from the city.

Yeah, they wear eye liners,

they look like a bunch of faygos.

You would think that, Roman, because

you're small-time Gomer.

I wish we had more guys like that

in Devil's Kettle.

All stylish and sh*t.

I think they need two groupies.

- No, no, come on!

Don't be so J.V., Needy.

They're just boys.

Morsels. We have all the power,

don't you know that?

These things...

These are like smart bmbs, okay?

You point them in the right direction

and sh*t gets real.

Hi.

- Hi.

Hi. Um, I just wanted to meet you...

..or something?

I'm Jennifer Check.

And..this is my friend.

Hi.

I'm Nikolai, and this is...

..this is my band.

Low Shoulder.

Yeah, we heard..I heard of that band...

You play instruments really...

..super good.

Thank you, we're professionals.

Hey, sorry...

Can I ask you a question?

Why would you want to play all the way out

here in the Devil's Kettle?

You live in city, right?

Yeah. But, you know what...

I think it's really important sometimes to try

and connect with our fans in their...

..shitty areas too.

That's amazing.

Can I-Can I buy you a drink?

- Sure, what are we having?

They have this really awesome

9/11 tribute shooter?

It's red, white and blue,

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