Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time'

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I guess I knew this day would come.

The day I have to bury a friend...

maybe my best friend.

We've been through a lot together,

some ugly moments.

I remember when prompts came in,

the ventriloquism scare of '84.

Sure there were times when people

would make fun of you.

Imitating you...

"Hey did you ever notice?"

"What's the deal with this?"

Who are these people?

They say the hardest thing for a person

to do is bury a loved one.

But those people never had material like this

The Tide commercial: "if you've got a

T-shirt with blood stains all over it

maybe laundry isn't your biggest

problem right now."

I don't understand it.

He walks away from the show,

he walks away from his act...

Are you sure this kid is Jewish.

Oh, he's Jewish. And don't ask me how I know.

It's just such a waste.

I mean, it all works.

Is there any cake?

Gary, what are you doing?

Listen, I got nothing on the post office.

- All right, take it.

-Thanks.

Get outta here.

Did you ever see his act?

No, not really, man.

Did you?

Yeah, yeah. He was good.

But I was full of drugs.

Ed, did you ever see his act?

Oh, he did the "Tonight Show" many, many times.

But, no.

Jerry, thanks a lot for being here.

This really means a lot.

Yeah, hey, listen... when...

when can you do the show again?

Oh, but I... I just retired all my material.

Is Carlos around?

Why is it the best

landscape in the neighborhood is

always in the cemetery?

Everybody's dead.

That's funny. Can I do that?

- Do what?

- The bit. Can I do that?

Well, that's not a bit. I'm just saying'.

I'm gonna do that. Ok?

You can't do it. It's my bit.

If it's a bit, it's anybody's bit who does it.

No, but I said it first.

I'm gonna do it for a while anyway.

Jerry, Alan King would like to

meet you on his territory.

He'll guarantee security.

Ok.

Hey!

Hey!

Mister, I know this is yours.

Don't you want it?

Sorry, kid. I don't do this joke anymore.

Oh, come on!

Look, I'm sorry. It's over.

But this is a solid bit! Please!

Alright. But I'm telling you for the last time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.

Thank you. Thank you.

That was very, very nice.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Standing ovation. Now I know

there's always a...

Scuse me?

Perfect start of the show. Thank you

I know it's not easy for an audience

to give standing ovation.

There's always a few people that

don't really wanna do it.

I've seen those people. They're always like...

"Are we doing' this now?"

So, anyway, I'm thrilled to be back

here in New York.

I love how certain things

about New York never change.

They're always constant,

they're always there for you.

The cabbies and the BO.

What is with the BO and these guys?

How long are these shifts?

Can't we get this man a ten minute

break for a shower?

You're in the back and it's

coming through the glass.

You're just going: "What in the..."

Not only they put that cherry puppet

stuff on the dashboard

so you get a cherry BO.

I don't know what that's supposed to be...

Even the fruit showers more often than this.

The funny thing about being in these

cabs is that when you're in Manhattan

for some reason you don't get scared,

no matter how fast the guy goes.

Well, you know, he's driving

fast and recklessly...

but he's a professional.

He's got a cab driver's license,

I can see it right there.

I don't even know what it takes to

get a cab driver's license.

I think all you need is a face.

This seems to be their big qualification.

No blank heads are allowed

driving cabs in this town.

Also helps to have a name with

like 8 consonants in a row.

Did you ever see some of

the letters in these names?

What is the "O" with a line through it,

by the way?

What planet is that from?

You need a chart of the elements if

you wanna report the guy.

"Yes, officer, his name was Amal and

then the symbol for Boron."

"No, it's not Manganese.

I had the periodic chart with me at the time."

But I love to travel. I love it whether

it's a car or whether it's a plane.

I like to get out there,

I like to keep it moving.

I love airports. Feel

safe in the airports thanks to the high

caliber individuals

we have working at X-ray security.

How 'bout this crack squad of savvy

motivated personnel?

The way you wanna setup your airport's

security, is you want the short,

heavy set women at the front

with the skin tight uniform.

That's your first line of defense.

You want those pants so tight the flap

in front of the zipper

has pulled itself open,

you can see the metal tangs

hanging on for dear life.

Then you put the bag on the conveyor belt.

It goes through the little luggage car wash.

Then you have the other genius,

down at the other end,

looking at the little X-ray TV screen.

This Eistein was chosen to stand

in front of X-rays 14 hours a day.

It's his profession.

Looking in that thing...

I have looked in that TV screen.

I cannot make out one object.

He's standing there...

"What is that? A hairdryer

with a scope on it?"

"That looks ok. Keep it moving."

"Some sort of bowling ball candle?

Yeah, I got no problem with that, just..."

"You know, we don't wanna hold up the line."

So, I go to the bathroom in the airport.

What is the story on the sinks

in airport bathrooms

That they will not give us a twist-it-on

twist-it-off, human-style faucet?

Is that too risky for the general population?

Too dangerous?

We gotta install the one-handed,

spring-loaded,

pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucet.

You know, those ones you gotta go:

"Hey I got a little water there"

"Hey I got a couple of drops."

What is it they think we

would do with a faucet?

Turn them all on full,

run out into the parking lot,

laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?

"Come on, the water's on, let's go!"

"I turned it on full blast."

"You idiot! We're businessmen,

we're gonna miss our plane."

"Who cares! Water!"

That's how they think we're gonna act.

Do the people that work in these shops

in the airport have any idea

what the prices are every place

else in the world?

"Yeah, $14 a tuna sandwich.

We think that's fair."

"That's what we charge in our country."

Then you get on the plane.

The pilot of course always has

to come on the PA system.

This guy is so excited about being a pilot,

he can't even stand himself.

"Well, I'm gonna take it up to about 20,000."

"Then I'm gonna make a left by Pittsburg."

"Then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago."

"And then I'm gonna bring it down to 15,000."

He's giving the whole route, all his moves.

We're in the back going: "Yeah, fine."

"You know, just do whatever the hell

you gotta do. I don't know."

"Just end-up where it says on the ticket,

really."

Do I bother him with what I'm doing?

Knocking on the cockpit door:

"I'm having the peanuts now."

"Yeah, that's what we're doing back here."

"I thought I'd keep you posted."

"I'm not gonna have them all now,

I'm just gonna have a few."

"I don't wanna finish it because

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