Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #2

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it's such a big bag."

Then the stewardesses have to come out.

They have to do their little

emergency equipment show.

You know, that thing they do.

One of them reads it,

the other one acts it out.

"Hey, we have seatbelts and oxygen masks."

"Things for you to use."

They show you how to use the seatbelt,

in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

"Oh, you lift up on the buckle! Oh!"

"I was trying to break the metal apart."

"I thought that's how it works."

"I was gonna try and tear the fabric

part of the belt."

"I thought if I could just get it started..."

Then they're always

pointing out the emergency exits,

always with that very vague point though,

isn't it?

"Where the hell would these places be?",

would you say.

The plane's at a 90 degrees angle,

your hair is on fire,

you're looking for this.

How you think you're gonna do there?

She's thinking:

"I'm getting out before you're getting out."

"You're dead, you're dead, I'm gone."

Then they always have to close that

first class curtain, too.

They always give you that little look.

"Maybe if you would have

worked a little harder..."

I wouldn't have to do this.

It's all a tiny world on the airplane,

isn't it?

There's always that little tiny

table there, tiny computer,

little cramped seats, tiny food, tiny utensils,

tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom,

tiny sink, tiny mirror, tiny faucet.

So, there's a small problem,

there's gonna be a slight delay,

we're gonna be a little late.

I always go in the airplane's bathroom,

even if I don't have to go,

I gotta go in there.

It's nice. It's like your own

little apartment on the plane, isn't it?

You go in there, lock the door,

the light comes on after second.

It's like a little surprise party.

But I'm always impressed of

the amount of equipment

that they have in that place.

I mean it's little, but they got

tissues, towels, closets, compartments,

tiny slot for used razor blades.

They always have that.

Who is shaving on the plane?

And shaving so much they're

using up razor blades?

Is this what's happening?

What? Is the wolf man flying in there,

for Christ's sakes?

Who could shave that much?

So, I'm supposed to go to Florida

next week after we're done here.

That's where my older relatives live.

I don't really wanna go.

Florida...

A lot of old people down there.

You know, they live in those

minimum security prisons.

That's where they put all the old people.

What's with all the security there?

With the guard gate,

with that arm coming down,

the guy's got a uniform, guns...

Are the old people trying to escape?

Or, are people stealing old people?

What is the security problem?

I just can't drive around there.

You know how these old people drive...

They drive slow, they sit low.

That is their motto.

The state flag of Florida should be

just a steering wheel

with a hat and two knuckles on it.

And they left that turn signal on

since they left the house that morning.

That's a legal turn in Florida.

It's known as an eventual left.

You can signal this week,

turn any following year of your life.

What is that age that old people

reach when they decide

when they back out of their driveway,

they're not looking anymore.

You know how they do that?

They just go:

"Well, I'm old and I'm coming back."

"I survived. Let's see if you can."

One thing I like about being with my

older relatives is it makes me feel

like a kid again.

You know, they're feeding you.

You're trying to steal candy.

Candy was my whole life when I was a kid.

That was...

First ten years of my life,

I think the only clear thought I had

was:
"GET CANDY!"

That was it. Family, friends, school,

they were just obstacles in

they way of the candy.

I'm out for the candy here.

I'm just thinking: "Get candy! Get candy!"

That's why you have to teach kids

not to take candy from a stranger

if they're playing in the playground,

because they're such candy

idiot moron brains...

They're just:
"This man has candy,

I'm going with him."

"Goodbye. Whatever happens to me.

Get candy, get candy..."

"Don't go! They'll torture you,

they'll kidnap you."

"It doesn't matter, he has an 'Old Henry'.

I have to take that chance."

"Get candy, get candy..."

So the first time you hear the concept

of Halloween when you're a kid

your brain can't even process the information.

You're like:
"What is this? What did you say?"

"What did you say about giving out candy?

Who's giving out candy?"

"Everyone that we know

is just giving out candy?"

"Are you kidding me? When is this happening?

Where? Why? Take me with you!"

"I gotta be a part of this.

I'll do anything that they want."

"I can wear that."

"I'll wear anything I have to wear."

"I'll do anything I'll have to do

to get the candy from those fools"

"that are so stupid they're giving it away."

So, the first couple of years I made

my own costumes which of course sucked:

the ghost, the hobo...

Then, finally, the third year,

begging the parents

I've got the Superman Halloween costume,

not surprisingly.

Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included.

Remember the rubber band on

the back of that mask?

That was a quality item there, wasn't it?

That was good about 10 seconds before it

snapped out of that cheap little staple

they put it in there with.

You go to your first house: "Trick or..." Snap!

"It broke. I don't believe it!"

"Wait up, you guys! I gotta fix it!"

"Hey, wait up! Wait up!"

That's what kids say.

They don't say:
"Wait!"

They say:
"Wait up! Hey, wait up!"

'Cause when you're little,

your life is up, the future is up,

everything you want is up.

"Wait up, hold up, shut up."

"Mamma, clean up", "Let me stay up."

For parents, of course,

everything is just the opposite.

Everything is down.

"Just calm down", "Slow down",

"Come down here"

"Sit down", "Put that down"

So I had my little costume,

I was physically ready,

I was preparing myself,

I did not try on the costume

prior to Halloween.

Do you remember...

This is an obscure one but...

On the side of the box,

I remember from my Superman costume,

it actually said:

"Do not attempt to fly!"

They printed that as a warning

'cause kids would put it on and...

going off the roofs.

I love the idea of the kid who's

stupid enough to think he actually is Superman

but smart enough to check that box

before he goes off the roof.

"Let me see if it says

anything about me being Superman..."

"Oh, wait a second here, I..."

So, anyway, but if my hopes

were up I was thinking that this is probably

the same exact costume

that Superman wears himself.

When you put these things on,

it's not exactly the super-fit

that you are hoping for.

It looks more like Superman's pyjamas,

that's what it looks like.

It's all kinda loose and flowing.

The neck line kinda comes down about there...

flimsy little ribbon string in the back.

Plus my mother makes me wear

my winter coat over the costume anyway.

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