Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #3

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I don't recall Superman wearing a jacket.

Not like I had:
cheap quarteroid,

phony fur.

"Boy, I'm Superman but it's a little chilly out

and I'm glad I have this cheap

little 10 year old kids jacket."

So I'm going out trick-or-treating

but the mask's rubber band keeps breaking

and keeps getting shorter.

I'm fixing it, it's getting

tighter and tighter on my face.

You know, when it starts slicing

into your eyeballs there and you...

you're trying to breathe

through that little hole...

getting all sweaty.

"I can't see, I can't breathe but

we gotta keep going, we gotta get the candy."

And a half an hour into it

you just take the mask: "Oh,

the hell with it."

Bing-bong! "Yeah, it's me,

give me the candy."

"Yeah, I'm Superman, look

at the pants legs, what do you care?"

Looking at those last

years of trick-or-treating

you're getting a little too old for it.

Still out there, going through the motions.

Bing-bong! "Come on lady, let's go."

"Halloween, doorbells, candy,

let's pick it up and..."

They come at the door...

they always ask you the same stupid questions:

"What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm supposed to be done by now."

"You wanna move it along

the three musketeers."

"I got 18 houses on this block, sweetheart."

"Just hit the bag, we hit the road.

That's the way it works."

Sometimes they have that

little white bag twisted on the top...

You know that's gonna be some crap candy.

Doesn't have the official

Halloween markings on it.

"Hold it, lady. Wait a second. What is this?

The orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut?"

"Do me a favor, you keep that one."

"We have all the doorstops we need already.

Thank you."

"We're going for name candy only this year."

Food is so complicated as an adult...

You see people in the supermarket.

They're just sweating out.

Nobody knows... "what do I eat...

the proteins, the carbs, the fat content..."

"Oh, my God, the fat content!"

We're just walking up to each other:

"You look good. What do you eat?

Maybe I'll eat that."

The whole supermarket itself is

designed to break down

your sense of having any life

It's like a casino. There's no clocks,

no windows, no easily accessible exits...

Did you ever not buy anything in a

supermarket and try to get out of there?

It's impossible.

There's no way out.

You can see what happens to people.

When they walk up to the supermarket,

they really have a whole sense of purpose.

"I'm gonna get this, I'm gonna get that,

I'm gonna pay for it,

I'm gonna get out of here and

get back to my normal life."

You see that same person

10 minutes later just...

"What aisle is this?"

"Why did I come up here?"

Always noticing something new.

"Oh, they got them in muskeet flavor now..."

"What is 'muskeet'?"

"I wonder if it's made from mosquitoes."

Produce section I always find challenging.

There's always some special thing

you're supposed to know.

You know, about each fruit...

"Summer time make sure your peaches are..."

I don't know, whatever it is.

You gotta fake it... you know,

I'm shaking stuff holding it up to the light.

"Yeah, that's a good one.

I'm sure glad I found that one."

Cantalopes rolling down the aisle.

"See the way that's fading left,

that one's not ready."

"I don't want that one."

I'm very impressed with this

seedless watermelon

product that they have for us.

They've done it.

We now have seedless watermelon.

Pretty amazing.

What are they planting

to grow the seedless watermelon, I wonder?

The melons aren't humping', are they?

They must be planting something.

How does this work?

And what kind of scientists

do this type of work?

I read this thing was 15 years in development.

In the laboratories with gene splicing or,

you know, whatever they do there...

I mean, other scientists are working on

AIDS, cancer, heart disease.

These guys are going:

"No, I'm going to devote myself to melon."

"I think that's much more important."

"Sure thousands are dying needlessly

but this... that's gotta stop."

"Have you ever tried to pick a wet one

off the floor, it's almost impossible."

"I really think we should devote

the money to these studies."

Milk is a big problem

for people in the supermarket.

They're never quite sure

if they have it, if they need it.

They bury it way in the back

in the supermarket.

You gotta find it,

you gotta hack

your way through all the displays.

"Yeah, there it is.

There's the milk."

"Do we have any milk?"

People are never really

sure if they have milk.

You think you have milk,

you might have.

"I know there's a carton in there,

I don't know how much is in it."

"Well, what shall we do?"

'Cause you wanna be sure.

There's nothing worse than

thinking you have milk and not having it.

You know, you got the bowl setup,

the cereal, the spoon,

the napkin, the TV, the newspaper,

everything's ready to go.

You lift up the carton and it's too light.

"Oh, no!"

"Too light!"

Sometimes you think you need milk:

"Hey we'd better pick up some milk."

Like many of you

are thinking right now.

"You know, he's right.

Maybe we should pick up some milk."

So you pick up some milk on your way home.

And then you discover

you already have milk.

And now you got

way too much milk.

That's no good either.

Now it's a race against the clock

with the expiration date.

That freaky thing.

Now your eating punchbowls

of cereal, three meals a day.

You're washing your face with milk.

Bringing cats in from

all over the neighborhood.

"Hurry up and drink it!

Come on, it's almost time!"

"Get back over here..."

How do they know that

that is the definite exact day?

You know, they don't say like

it's in the vicinity, give or take, roughly...

They brand it right

into the side of the carton.

"That's your goddamn day right there."

"Oh, don't screw with us."

"We know what day is the final day."

"And then it is so over."

Have you ever had milk

the day after the date?

Scares the hell out of you, doesn't it?

The spoon is trembling

as it comes out of the bowl.

"It's after the day!

I'm taking a big chance!"

"I smelled it, you smelled it,

what is it supposed to smell like?"

"It smelled like milk to me."

I don't know how they're so definite, though.

Maybe the cows tip them off

when they're milking them.

"July 3rd"

To me the only thing tougher

than the supermarket is the drugstore.

The drugstore's really challenging

because you have no idea what

they're talking about.

You're just looking at the ingredients...

I had a cold a couple of weeks ago.

So I go in there and I'm looking...

The entire wall is cold medication.

And you can't understand anything so

you're just reading ingredients.

Did you ever catch yourself reading

ingredients in the drugstore?

"Oh, this has .03 tetrahydroziline!

It's a good amount of that."

But it's so hard to figure out.

Sometimes they have:

this one's quick acting,

this one's long lasting.

"Hmm, when do I need to feel good?"

"Now or later?"

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