Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #4

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"I don't know."

They always tell you how the medicine

works on TV in the commercials.

That's my favorite part,

with the guy that says:

"Here's the human body" and there's

always this guy...

No face, mouth open, this is how drug

companies see the public.

He's always got the tube coming down here

and then the circle area.

These are the complex inner workings

of the human body, I assume.

I'm sure, when you go to the medical school,

they put that up on the board the first day

"Ok, everyone, now remember,

you got your tube coming down from the mouth"

"and that goes into your circle area."

"That's pretty much all we know."

"That's it for today."

"Don't miss tomorrow,"

"we're gonna practice making people

waiting in the little room in their underwear"

"and then you'll all be doctors."

"That's all there is to it."

Then they have to show you the pain...

the part where they say:

"Here's where you hurt."

Pain is usually represented by some

sort of lightning attacking the guy,

glowing redness is popular,

sometimes parts of the guys body will

just burst into flames...

Sometimes the whole guy is out of focus.

I never had a doctor saying to me:

"-Are you having any pain?"

"-Yes, I am."

"Are you having any lightning with the pain?"

"Have you been in a fun-house

mirror at any time?"

Then they tell you about the pain

relieving ingredient.

There's always gotta be a lotta that.

Nobody wants anything less

than 'extra-strength'.

'Extra-strength' is the absolute minimum.

You can even get 'strength'.

'Strength' is out now.

It's all 'extra-strength'.

Some people are not satisfied with 'extra',

they want 'maximum'.

"Give me the 'maximum-strength'."

"Give me the maximum allowable human dosis."

"Figure out what will kill me and then

back it off a little bit."

Why does that pharmacist have to be

two and a half feet higher

than everybody else?

Who the hell is this guy?

"Clear out, everybody.

I'm working with pills up here."

"I'm taking them from this big bottle

and then I'm gonna put them

in the little bottle."

"That's my whole job."

"I can't be down on the floor with you people."

"Yes, I'd like to get this

prescription pills, please."

"All right, but you wait down there."

"No one come up here but me."

There's a little bit of arrogance

in the medical community,

I think we can all live with that.

Like, when you go to see the doctor,

you don't see the actual doctor first.

You must wait in the waiting room.

There's no chance of not waiting.

That's the name of the room.

The doctors are all back there...

"We can't take them now,

we've already got this room."

You sit there, you pretend you're

reading the little magazine,

you're actually looking at the other people.

"I wonder what he's got."

"That guy is a goner."

Then they call you... You get very

excited when they call you

'cause you think now you're

gonna see the doctor.

But you're not.

Now you're going into the next,

smaller, waiting room.

Now you don't even have your magazine.

Now you got your pants around your ankles,

you're sitting on that butcher paper

they pulled out over the table...

Sometimes I bring a pickle with me and I put it

next to me right there on the table...

...in case the doctor wants to fold

the whole thing up for a to-go order.

"Get your pants off and get in there

and I will tell you what I think."

Doctors always want your pants off.

"Take your pants off.

The doctor would like to

see you with no pants."

"Just get them off."

"- It's my head."

"- I said, take your pants off."

But I hate the extra wait,

so I start screwing around

with some of his stuff.

"Maybe I'll turn that thing up a little bit."

"Whatever the hell that does."

Take all the tongue depressors out,

lick'em all, put'em all back in.

I, too, can play at this waiting game.

Just once I would like to say to the doctor:

"You know what? I'm not ready for you yet."

"Why don't you go back in your little

office and I'll be in in a minute."

"And get YOUR pants off."

"Then we'll see what's what."

Why is it doctors need that

little office for, anyway?

Little books, little stupid aquarium.

I guess he doesn't want people to

see him looking stuff up:

"What the hell was that?"

"Jesus Christ!"

"That was kinda gross."

"That wasn't the tube or the circle."

A friend of mine is going in for a

nose job next week. Guy.

You know what the technical

term for a nose job is?

Of course you do... It's New York. Everybody...

Rhinoplasty!

Rhino!

This guy is aware he has a bit of a problem...

he's obviously sensitive about it,

that's why he made the appointment.

Do we need to compare him to a rhinoceros?

When you go for a hair

transplant you don't say:

"We're going to perform a

cue-ball-ectomy on you, mister Johnson."

"We feel the chrome-dome-ia has advanced..."

"to a level we term skin-head-ia."

"These are all medical terms,

if you don't understand."

Of course, everybody wants to look their best,

they're all out there,

everybody wants to look good,

guys, gals, sexuality.

I'm a single guy, by the way,

there are no other guys attached to me.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I love you, too.

But I do feel the need to see other people.

I was kinda engaged about 10 or so years ago.

Didn't wanna get married,

that was the closest I got.

I can tell you this: if you're

engaged and you don't wanna get married

it's a little tense.

It's like you're on that first

hill of the roller-coaster

but you don't really wanna go on the ride...

going click-click, click-click...

I was best man at a wedding one time

and that was pretty good.

Pretty good title, I thought... 'Best man'

I thought it was a bit much.

I thought we had the groom and

the 'pretty good man'.

That's more than enough.

If I am the best man, why is she marrying him?

I had to wear the tuxedo which,

I am convinced, was invented by a woman.

"Well, they're all the same,

we might as well dress them all the same."

The tuxedo also functions as a wedding

safety device for the bride...

...in case the groom chickens out,

everybody could just take one step over

and the ceremony continues.

That's why they don't say: "Do you take

David Williams to be your

faithfully wedded husband?"

They say:
"Do you take THIS MAN?"

But, men and women will never understand

each other, we all know that.

It's just not gonna happen, just forget it.

I know I will not understand women.

I know I will never be able to

understand how a woman can take

boiling hot wax

pour it on her upper

thigh and rip the hair out by the root

and still be afraid of a spider.

I'm not spending anymore time working on that.

And I know women don't understand men.

I know there are women looking at me right now

wondering:
"what goes on in that

little brain of his?"

"I bethca I could manipulate that brain."

I betcha you could.

I betcha women would like to know

what men really think...

the truth, the honest truth.

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