Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #5

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You wanna know what men are really thinking?

'Cause I could tell you.

Would you like to know?

Alright, I'll tell you.

Nothing.

We're not thinking anything.

We're just walking around, looking around.

This is the only natural inclination of men.

To just kinda check stuff out.

We work because they force us to,

but other than that,

this is really the only thing we wanna do.

We like women, we want women.

But that's pretty much as far as we've thought.

That's why we're honking car horns,

yelling from construction sites...

These are the best ideas we've had so far.

Honking the car horn amazes me!

This is gotta be

just the last living

brain cell in this guys skull

that comes up with this idea.

She's on the street, he's in the car.

Beep-beep.

"I think I made my point."

What is she supposed to do? Kick off the heel,

start running after the car?

Grab on to the bumper?

The car comes to a stop...

"It's a good thing you honked."

"I had no idea how you felt."

Why do men behave in these ways?

Why are we rude, obnoxious,

getting drunk, falling down,

peeling rubber, making kissing

Why are we like this?

I know what you ladies are thinking...

"No, no, not my guy.

I'm working with him, he's coming along."

No, he's not.

He's not coming anywhere.

We, men, know:
no matter how poorly we behave,

it seems we will somehow end up

with women anyway.

Look around this room.

Look at all the men you see with lovely women.

Do you think these are special men?

Gifted men? One of a kind men?

They're the same jerks as any

of the ones that I'm talking about.

They're doing just fine.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women

than any other group working

anywhere in the world today.

Wherever women are, we have men

looking into the situation right now.

We explored the Earth looking for women.

We even went to the Moon just to see

if there were any women there.

That's why we brought that little car.

Why would you bring a car,

unless there's some chance of going on a date?

What the hell were they doing

with a car on the goddamn Moon?

You're on the Moon already!

Isn't that far enough?

There is no more male idea in

the history of the universe than:

"why don't we fly up to

the Moon and drive around?"

That is the essence of male

thinking right there.

All men kinda think of themselves like

low-level super-heroes in their own world.

I'm not even supposed to be telling you this.

But when men are growing up and are reading

about Batman, Spiderman, Superman...

these aren't fantasies.

These are options.

This is the deep inner secret

truth of the male mind.

I'll give you a perfect example

of what I'm talking about.

Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway,

moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car?

Without fail, he's got the arm

out of the window holding the mattress.

This is classic male idiot super-hero thinking.

This moron believes that if the wind

catches this huge rectangle at 70 mph...

"I got it! I got it!"

"Don't worry about it."

"I'm using my arm!"

But I'm sure there're many dates

going on in this room right now...

Dating is not easy. What is a date really

but a job interview that lasts all night?

The only difference

between a date and a job interview is

in not many job interviews is there a chance

you'll end up naked at the end of it.

"Well, Bill, the boss thinks

you're the man for the position,"

"why don't you strip down and meet

some of the people you'll be working with."

Sex doesn't make anything any easier.

It only makes it more complicated.

Women have two types of

orgasms:
the actual ones

and the ones that they make up on their own.

And I can give you the male

point of view on this.

Which is:
we're fine with it.

"You do whatever the hell it is you gotta do."

To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway.

And determining a female

orgasm is like being asked:

"What did you see after the car

went out of control?"

"Well, I remember I heard a lot

of screeching noises..."

"I was facing the wrong way at one point..."

"and in the end, my body was thrown clear."

I'll tell you what I like

about Chinese people...

They're hanging in there with the chop

sticks, aren't they?

You know they've seen the fork.

They're staying with the sticks.

I'm impressed by that.

I don't know how they missed it.

A Chinese farmer, gets up,

works in the field with the shovel all day...

Shovel... Spoon... Come on...

There it is.

You're not ploughing 40 acres

with a couple of pool cues...

And why is McDonald's still counting?

This is really insecure, isn't it?

40 gillion, 80 million, zillion,

billion, killion, tillion...

What is this?

Does it mean anything to anyone?

89 billion sold.

"Ok. I'll have one."

I would love to meet the chairman of

the board of McDonald's...

Just to say to him:

"Look, we all get it."

"You have sold a lotta hamburgers."

"Whatever the hell the number is."

"Just put up a sign: 'McDonald's,

we're doing very well!'"

"I don't need to hear about every

goddamn one of them."

What is their ultimate goal?

To have cows just surrendering voluntarily?

Showing up at the door:

"We'd like to turn ourselves in."

"We see the sign... we realize we have

very little chance out there."

"We'd like to be a 'Happy Meal'

if that's at all possible."

I was in London about a month ago,

the World Cup was going on.

I enjoy any sporting event

where nations get involved.

I find that the most exciting.

The Olympics is really my favorite

sporting event,

although I think I have a problem

with that silver medal.

I think, if I was an Olympic athlete,

I would rather come in last

then win the silver.

If you think about it...

if you win the gold, you feel good.

If you win in the bronze, you think: "Well,

at least I got something."

But if you win that silver, it's like:

"Congratulations! You... almost won."

"Of all the losers,

you came in first of that group."

"You're the number one... loser."

"No one lost... ahead of you."

And they don't loose by much.

These short races...

Three hundredths of a second,

two hundredths of a second...

I don't know how they live with that

the rest of their lives.

'Cause they gotta tell the story.

Everyone wants to hear the story.

"Wow! Congratulations! Silver medal!"

"Did you trip? Did you not hear the gun go off?

Tell us what happened."

It's a hundredth of a second.

People say:

"What was the difference in the margin there?"

Eh, uh, that was it.

I trained, I worked out,

I exercised my entire life,

I never had a date, I never had a drink,

I never had a beer,

I was doing push-ups since I was fetus,

I flew halfway around the world,

everybody I knew in my whole life was there,

the gun was shot...

Eh, ooh!

And they always have that photo finish...

That photo finish is always: silver, gold.

This is the whole race.

Gold, silver, bronze.

Dead last.

Greatest guy in the world...

never heard of him.

The guy's gotta be thinking:

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