Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #6

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"If I had a pimple, I would have won!"

Some of the events in the Olympics

don't make sense to me.

I don't understand the connection

to any reality...

Like in the Winter Olympics

they have that biathlon.

That combines cross-country

skiing with shooting a gun.

How many alpine snipers are into this?

Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang...

It's like combining

swimming and strangle a guy.

Why don't we have that?

That makes absolutely as much sense to me.

Just put people in the pool at the end

of each lane for the swimmers...

And that other one that I love is the looge

When the guy wears this slick suit...

This is on the bob-sledge run,

but it's not even a sledge.

It's just Bob.

It's just a human being

hanging on for their life.

This is the whole sport.

"Oh, he pointed his toes.

Oh, this guy's a tremendous athlete."

The looge is the only sport

that I've ever seen

that you could have people

competing in it against their will

and it would be exactly the same.

If they were just grabbing

people off the street...

"Hey, hey, hey... what is this?"

"I don't wanna be in the looge."

You put the helmet on,

you wouldn't really hear them screaming...

You'd just... "You're in the looge, buddy."

World record.

Didn't even wanna do it.

I wanna see that event next year:

'the involuntary looge.'

I consider myself something of a sportsman.

I like sporty type things.

Scooba-diving.

Did that in Australia... that was a lotta fun.

A great activity where your main goal is to...

not die.

It's really all I was thinking

about the entire day.

"Don't die, don't die, don't die..."

"There's a fish. There's a rock.

Who cares? Don't die..."

"Let's swim, and breathe, and live..."

"Because living is good"

"and dying... not as good."

So I go with this guy... Mister Scooba-Guy.

He takes me to the store,

makes sure I buy everything I need...

I had the waterproof wallet... nylon...

in case we run into a sea turtle

that can break a 50.

Waterproof watch...

That's important, gee...

"You're completely out of

oxygen and look at the time."

"Geez, now I'm dead and I'm late."

I like these somewhat high risk

things:
the scooba...

I've gone hand gliding, I've gone skydiving,

I like a little bit of risk...

I don't know, maybe that's why I do this...

I saw a thing, actually a study that said:

speaking in front of a crowd is considered

the number one fear of the average person.

I found that amazing.

Number two, was death.

Death is number two?

This means, to the average person,

if you have to be at a funeral,

you would rather be in the casket

than doing the eulogy.

Skydiving was definitely

the scariest thing I've ever done.

Let me ask you this question

in regards to the skydiving:

what is the point of the helmet

in the skydiving?

Can you kinda make it?

You jump out of that plane and that

chute doesn't open,

the helmet is now wearing you for protection.

Later on, the helmet's talking

with the other helmets:

"It's a good thing he was there

or I would have hit the ground directly."

"You never jump out of a plane unless you got

a human being strapped underneath you."

"That's basic safety."

There are many things we can point to

as proof that the human being is not smart.

The helmet is my personal favorite.

The fact that we had to invent the helmet...

Why did we invent the helmet?

Well, because we were participating

in many activities that were

cracking our heads.

We looked at the situation...

We chose not to avoid these activities

but to just make little plastic hats

so that we can continue our head

cracking lifestyles.

The only thing dumber than the helmet,

is the helmet law,

the point of which is to protect

a brain that is functioning so poorly

it's not even trying to stop

the cracking of the head that it's in.

At least the helmet is functional clothing.

I appreciate that.

Clothing to me, for the most part, is just

such a tremendous pain in the ass.

If you think of the amount of time,

mental effort, physical energy,

that goes into your clothes:

picking'em, buying'em, does that go with that

I don't think I can wear that,

I'm missing a button, this is dirty,

I gotta get something new,

that's up my ass, can't wear this...

I think we should all wear the same

exact clothes.

Because it seems to be what

happens eventually, anyway.

Anytime you see a movie or a TV-show

where there's people from the future

or another planet

they're all wearing the same outfit.

I think the decision just gets made:

"All right, everyone, from now on,

it's just gonna be the one piece silver suit"

"with the V stripe and the boots."

"That's the outfit."

"We're gonna be visiting other planets,

we wanna look like a team here."

"The individuality thing is over."

The dry cleaner I can't stand.

'Cause I don't think he's doing it.

I don't know what goes on back there but

I cannot conceive such a thing

as actual dry cleaning.

We all accept it 'cause we

see the stores everywhere.

But, think about it. Dry? What is dry?

You can't clean something dry.

What do they do? Tap it, shake it, blow on it?

There's gotta be some

kind of a liquid back there.

Did you ever get something on your

clothes and get it off with your fingernail?

That's dry cleaning.

That is the only dry cleaning.

I brought this guy a suede jacket...

got spots on it 'cause I was in the rain.

He says:
"there's nothing we can do."

"Water ruins leather."

Aren't cows outdoors a lot of the time?

What? If it rains do the cows

go up to the farmhouse

"Hey, let us in.

We're all wearing leather out here."

"Hey, open up, man. I'm suede."

"I'm living suede."

'Dry clean only' is definitely the only

warning label

that human beings actually respect.

They look at cigarettes: "This will

give you cancer, kill you an the kids."

"It's good, I'll do whatever the hell I want."

"Don't drink this medicine and operate

heavy machinery."

"Who cares. That's for people who don't

know what the hell they're doing."

"I'm a pro."

But if you have something that's dry clean only

and somebody goes to put it in

the washing machine

"Don't put it in the washing machine!

It's dry clean only!"

"Are you crazy, are you out of your mind?"

It is amazing what people will believe.

I watch these infomercials late at night...

If it gets late enough the products

start to look good to me.

I have actually found myself

sitting there thinking

"I don't think I have a knife

that can cut through the shoe."

"I don't think any of my knives are good

enough to cut through shoes."

"I'm gonna get this

knife and cut my shoes off."

"That seems pretty good."

I think the dumbest

thing you can do late at night is

"I'm gonna get this thing and get in shape."

It's 3 in the morning, you got potato

chip crumbs on your shirt,

you got one eye open,

one sock hanging of the foot.

"I'm gonna start working out with this thing."

"I'm gonna order this thing."

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