Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #7

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"This is all I need to get in shape."

"This is a fantastic device."

Rip-off.

We can't stop getting ripped-off.

We're gonna get ripped off.

We think we're not, we think we're very clever,

we think we're gonna foil the crooks.

We go to the beach, go in the water,

put you wallet in the sneaker,

who's gonna know?

What criminal mind could penetrate

this fortress of security?

"I put it down by the toe.

They never look there."

"They check the heels, they move on."

When you have a TV set

in the back of your car

and you gotta leave the car

in the street for a few minutes

so you put a sweater over the TV.

"It's a couple of sweaters, that's all."

"One of them is square with an

antenna coming out of it."

So feeble the things we

come up with to foil the crooks!

The 'Wanted' posters at the post office...

You're there, you got your package,

you're trying to mail something,

this guy's wanted in 12 states.

Yeah, now what? Ok.

I check the guy standing in line behind me...

if it's not him, that's

pretty much all I can do.

Why don't they just hold on to this guy

when they're taking his picture.

"The guy's there with you!"

"Come out from behind the camera and grab him!"

"No, we don't do that.

We take their picture, we let them go."

"That's how we get the front and side shot."

"The front is his face,

the side is him leaving."

Why don't they put the pictures

of the criminals on the postage stamps?

Let the postman look for'em.

He's out there walking around all day.

He's got the uniform on.

Can't he do something?

"We got another letter for you, mister Jon..."

"I think that's him..."---

So we really had a good time...

This is the end of a long tour.

When you're on the road

you always have to do whatever

anyone suggests that day.

Because you have nothing to do

and you have no ideas

so you do whatever anyone suggests.

So, a couple of weeks we go to the track.

I did that a couple of times in my life.

Betting on the horses...

you can't possibly win.

I don't understand what we're betting on...

Do the horses know that it's a race?

Are they aware?

What is going on here?

After the race are the horses

walking back to the stable:

"I was third, I was first, I was ninth."

I think they're thinking: "Oat bag,

I get my oat bag now!"

"Oat bag time."

I gotta bet on this idiot?

I mean, I'm sure the horses have

some idea that the jockey is in a big hurry.

I mean, he's on him,

he's hitting him with this thing.

He's going:
"Come on, come on"

Obviously he's in a hurry,

the jockey's in a hurry.

But the horse must get to the end and go:

"We were just here!

What was the point of that?"

"This is where we were."

"That was the longest possible

route you could take."

"Why didn't we just stay here?

We would have been first!"

I'll tell you one thing the horses

definitely do not know.

They do not know that if you should

accidentally trip

and break your leg at any point during the race

we blow your brains out.

I think they're missing that little

tidbit of information.

I think if they knew that

you'd see some mighty careful stepping

coming down that home stretch.

"Take it easy, take it easy."

"You win, I'll place... whatever."

"The important thing is your health."

I've gone horseback riding.

I can't do that.

They don't give you the really good horses

when you're not good at it, I found out.

The guy says:
"What level rider

would you say that you are?"

I say:
"I don't know... Zero, nothing,

whatever the system is."

"I can't do it. Is that clear enough for you?"

"I'm going where the horse wants to go."

"That's my level."

After they hear that,

they start looking around:

"All right, is Glue Stick back yet?"

"How 'bout Almost Dead?

Why don't you saddle him up?"

So I get on this U-shaped

lightning-quick steed...

I got the only horse you could put your feet

flat on the ground while you're riding it.

"I'm riding a hammock here."

Looking up at my friends:

"I don't think that we all got

the same kind of horse here."

It's kind of a secure feeling.

I could walk along with him if I wanted.

And the horse wasn't too thrilled

with having me either.

'Cause I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

So he takes control.

Going this way, going that way...

Then they just stop.

"What? What is it?"

And they look up at you...

"Chill-out hop-along. I know the trail."

"I'm here every goddamn day, ok?"

"And I really appreciate the kicking

while I'm taking a leak, too."

"Thanks a lot. That really

improves the already wonderful

life that I have."

"People either sitting on me or

kicking me while I'm peeing."

"I'm living in a paradise here at the ranch."

I get out of a car that has 300 horsepower

so I can sit on an animal that has one.

Why do we even use the term 'horsepower'?

Is that to further humiliate horses?

The space-shuttle rockets

have 20 million horsepower.

Is there any point in still comparing it...

to the horses?

Any chance of going back to using

rockets with horses,

trying to keep track of how many

we're gonna need?

"Hey, horse. There's a rocket engine that broke down."

"Can you get 20 million friends

together really fast?"

"20 million? That's a lot."

They make glue out of horses.

I don't know who started that.

Who saw that potential?

That's pretty amazing to me.

Working in a stationery store,

a horse walks by:

"Hey, wait a minute!"

"I think he could be glue."

"How do we pick out the really sticky ones?"

"You leave that to me."

"What about that one over there?"

"He's weaving around. He looks

like he's out of his mind."

"He'll be 'crazy glue'."

To me the toughest part of that

horse life is that trailer.

Why do they make the horse trailer like that?

Is that the best way to move a

horse out on the highway?

With their huge fat disgusting

rear ends right in my face?

Do the horses like it?

They're probably standing in the back, going:

"Do you feel a draft, Bill?"

"I can't see anything back there,

but it's awfully breezy, isn't it?"

"You don't think our huge fat asses are

hanging out the back of this truck, do you."

"Why the hell would they do that to us?"

"They already ride us around and kick

us while we're peeing,

why would they stick our ass out of a truck?"

But I have fully adjusted to the road.

I like hotels.

I enjoy tiny soap.

I pretend that it's normal

soap and my muscles are huge.

And you can always tell when you're

in a fine quality luxury hotel

when the TV is bolted to a solid steel

beam and welded into the wall.

Is this a big problem in the hotel business?

People coming up to the desk:

"I'd like to check out."

The main thing is the bathroom, the shower,

that's gotta be good.

That's why I don't like to stay

with people on the road.

I don't want to be in other people's showers.

I don't know how to operate them.

You can never get the ratios

right on the dials.

Sometimes a 16th of an inch

is a thousand degrees.

You gotta get out of the way of the water.

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