Joe's Apartment

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City by the mighty dirty river

City by the greasy rolling sea

I crawl so small

And it stands so tall

And it all belongs

To me

Welcome to Joe's apartment

It's our apartment, too

We've been around

for a hundred million years

And we'll be here long after you

Let's go to our place

It's a great big space

It's where I wanna be

Where friends all meet

And life is sweet

'Cause everything's for free

It's the joint, it's a gas

It's a big fat boot in the ass

Let's toast! Raise your glass

Here's to Joe! A man with class

So! Hello from Joe's apartment

You're gonna love the view

It's a nest that beats the rest

We're so glad that you're our guest

Come on in, we're all undressed

Joe's apartment, we welcome you!

Nice singing!

The movie's starting.

Dear Mom,

I made it to New York safe and sound.

Hands up, pinhead!

Dear Mom, I made it to New York.

Hands up, pinhead!

Dear Mom--

Hands up, pinhead!

Please send money.

Don 't worry, Mom, I'll pay you back soon.

I'm bound to get a job.

I'm a college graduate.

But first things first.

I got to get an apartment.

I hope I can get one really cheap.

$1,500 a month?

There's a hole in the ceiling.

It's a private atrium.

$1,100 a month for 300 square feet.

That's a sweet deal.

No vacancy.

$1,500 a month.

Nothing for that price range.

Try Nebraska.

Oh, my God, mister. Are you all right?

Two days, seven hours,

twenty-three minutes and four seconds.

That's how long I've been lying here.

Are you okay?

Of course not. I'm an artist.

I wanted to express how cold,

how pitiless this city really is.

Nobody touched you for two days?

Spitting doesn't count.

You must be from out of town.

Yeah.

Iowa.

-What's your name?

-Joe.

Walter. Walter Sh*t.

Walter Sh*t?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Looking for a place?

Something for $100 a month.

Hey, junior here thinks he's going to find

his own rent-controlled apartment!

Rent-controlled apartment?

Yeah.

A place where the rent's been frozen

since the 1950s.

Those places are hard to find

because no one ever leaves them.

Not unless the landlord gives them

a little help.

I love the real estate business.

They're tougher than they look.

See? There's really no way

to get a rent-controlled apartment.

No way at all?

I mean, only if

it's your mom's apartment...

and she croaks.

How you doing, Mrs. Grotowski?

Oh, my God!

Joe, Mrs. Grotowski doesn't have

any family.

You pose as her son, take her apartment.

What?

I couldn't!

Oh, my God!

Joe!

It's your mother!

And she's dead!

Thank you.

My first place!

Quiet!

Got to hide! Got to hide!

-Never seen him around before.

-Where's the old lady?

-Luggage! I don't like it!

-Stay undercover.

Right, another stupid human.

-Shut up!

-Can it, both of you.

Oh, no!

Yummy, yummy!

Damn. Ralph's out there. Poor sucker.

This is the greasiest,

ugliest bug I've ever seen in my life.

-Look at that.

-Our kind of guy.

He likes good living. That's for sure.

-He's not so bad.

-He's got potential.

Did you hear that? "Greasy."

Nice compliment.

I thought you was smushed for sure.

Who's out there?

Schlomo and Pauli, who else?

-Schlomo, I quit drinking.

-Me, too, Pauli.

Ever since I joined this health club.

It's a great lap pool.

Diver down.

We're gonna get drunk.

Hold on. He's having a taste

of Old Hound Dog instead.

I'll drink to that.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to be finally out on my own, Mom.

No, no thanks, Mom.

I can find a job by myself.

Look how easy I got a place.

Yes, Mom.

No, Mom. Right, Mom. Good, Mom.

Isn't his mom supposed to be dead?

Landlord!

I hope everything's going fine

up in heaven, Mom.

Pray to you later. Amen!

Joe, who are you talking to?

Who the hell are you?

Joe Grotowski.

Joe F. Grotowski.

Vladimir Bianco.

My cousin, Jesus.

Vlad and Jesus Bianco?

You are related?

Speaking of relations,

I knew your old lady...

and she never talked you up! Not once!

-I've been away at college.

-ls that so?

Well, $50 rent, college boy.

-Cash!

-Now!

Sorry about your moms, man.

But maybe you won't be missing her long.

Amen.

Dear Mom, thanks for another loan.

I haven 't found a job yet...

but I'm on the lookout for something good.

Thank you for calling 91 1.

Your call is important to us.

Please stay on the line.

Your local police precinct

will be with you shortly.

Central Complaint Department,

please hold.

I don't know. Please hold.

I can't help you. Please hold.

Like, who cares, man? Please hold.

Alligators in the subway.

Interesting, ma'am. Please hold.

No, sir. Don't try to saw it off yourself.

Please hold.

-Central Complaint Department.

-I'm calling from 324 1/2 East 8th Street.

No water, no heat, no power.

Roof leaking, drug dealing.

People falling out of windows?

Congratulations, sir.

This is the worst call I've had all day!

Really?

Coffee break!

Please hold.

Hello?

Lily, what's up?

Oh, Blank. Hey.

This garden of yours

is really coming along.

-Quite a change from the old air shaft.

-Oh, yeah.

It's such a relief after all those calls.

It ain't bad now.

Wait till there's a riot or a fire!

Serious O.T.

I wish we could do something

other than put people on hold.

What are you doing

in this dead-end city department anyway?

Child, go work for your dad.

The man's a U.S. senator.

Wear a nice dress, sit next to his podium.

You could get into politics, easy.

-Mr. Bianco.

-Check it out.

Please, Senator, just call me Alberto.

Have you brought me good news, Alberto?

My second to the last tenant

has just taken flight, Senator.

We two saw her off personally.

Wonderful. She'll love the condo

you bought her.

Nothing is too good for my tenants.

And how about your last tenant?

We made his final arrangements.

And soon the building will be yours.

The U.S. government will have

acquired the last property we need...

for the brand new...

Manhattan...

maximum security...

federal penitentiary.

The biggest prison in the world.

Whatever happened

to the Lower East Side?

How did it decay so badly...

that the only thing

that'll sprout in its soil...

is a jail?

We can't take all the credit for that.

But we're glad we could help.

Oh, look at those kids.

They could get hurt,

playing in this empty lot.

I used to get plenty of cuts

and scratches...

but that's all there is around here.

Hi, guys.

What are you making?

A crack house.

Oh, my God.

This is awful.

This should be a public garden,

with safe places for kids to play...

with flowers and trees.

Lily, this ain't no cute little

building atrium.

This is the nastiest neighborhood

in New York City.

Come on, girl.

-Conference.

-What's up, Ralph?

This new guy, Joe. He don't wash,

clean, vacuum. He don't give a crap.

He's the dirtiest slob on the planet.

I think I'm in love.

-Me, too, Ralph.

-I vote we keep him.

We got to break him in, that's all.

Oh, my gosh!

Looks like the landlord

wants to change Joe's lease.

They aren't doing no paint job.

Let's not kid ourselves.

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