Joe's Apartment Page #3

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That's a false philosophic concept.

-You are never alone.

-Not in New York City.

Us roaches see everything you do.

So what? We're all friends here.

Okay. Fine. Shut up.

Oh, I like that.

-"Shut up," he says.

-Shut up yourself.

-No manners, this guy.

-Who needs you?

-So long, Romeo.

-I bet she's a dog.

Dear Lily, I want to help your garden.

That's "plow your garden," Joe.

Tell her you want to plow her.

I said shut up already!

Come on, Joe!

Dames secretly like it

when you give them sh*t.

We need fertilizer. Lots ofit.

What are you doing?

Giving you a neck rub.

You seem a little tense.

-Okay, okay! We're gone!

-Chill out.

Wait.

Hey, get out!

You've got to be more careful

with those enthusiastic greetings.

I'm an old man.

Oh, Daddy.

I got a call from your job supervisor

the other day.

He told me that you're spending

a lot of time in that little atrium of yours.

But I must insist....

Tell me where you got those earrings.

Saks.

The atrium is just a dry run

for my first big project.

What? I'm sorry, a project? What project?

I'm starting a community garden

in the East Village.

That's nice. Whereabouts?

East 8th Street in Avenue B.

In your old neighborhood.

Isn't this great, Daddy?

Pumpkin...

I'm building a federal prison on that site.

A prison?

In the middle of the East Village?

Why not? With all the crime and drugs,

it's already a prison.

Not until my 30-day

gardening permit expires.

And by that time,

I'll have the whole East Village behind me.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I have some mulching to do.

Hey, what's that smell?

-It's odoriferous.

-It's "splendoriferous."

-Joe, you are a prince among men.

-Always thinking of your buddies.

Letter for Ralph.

-Mail call!

-Anything for me?

-Letter for Rodney.

-A postcard from Uncle Sid.

How is Tampa?

Garbage magazine?

-Thanks a bunch, Joe!

-My sex toy arrived yet?

Junk mail, junk mail.

Hey, one for me.

-It's from Mom.

-No kidding.

-How is the old bag?

-Be respectful.

Joe knows I'm kidding!

"Dear Joe, got you a job interview

with P.I. Smith & Sons.

"The boss is

my old high school classmate."

-P.I. Smith & Sons? Great company.

-You've heard of them?

They're the biggest manufacturer

in New York.

What do they make?

When I was about your age,

I woke up one morning and said to myself:

"Urinal cake.

"That's the future."

So...

I decided to aim

for men's room manufacturing.

Now I'm the richest man

in the urinal sanitation industry.

Twenty million men

piss on my name everyday.

That's great, sir.

So, you're an lowa boy, like me.

Yes, sir. Went to Murchison High School.

Good old Murchison.

"Go, Bullfrogs! "

My mom could do that cheer really well.

She was a varsity cheerleader.

I remember.

Your mom was the hottest tomato

in school.

Does your mom still wear her hair

in that sexy way?

Does mischief still sparkle in her eye...

that minx?

Mommy still got that saucy swing

to her hips?

Did Mommy ever give you...

a sponge bath?

Welcome to the research department

for P.I. Smith & Sons.

You will play an essential role

in our quest for the perfect urinal cake:

Used product retrieval.

Your first assignment, retrieve

all used product from the restrooms...

at 58 East 161st Street, the Bronx.

Deliver them to the research department

for testing.

58 East 161st Street.

58 East 161st....

Joe's here!

Let him watch. He's okay.

What's this?

Channel R.

The roach public access channel.

You roaches have your own channel?

Shut up!

Are you ready

for something itsy-bitsy, baby?

Come and get it, you greasy little tick.

Oh, my God! I'm going to pupate!

You so fine, baby.

Bloats up your crop, don't it, Joe?

Hey, Joe!

-What is it now?

-You seem a little down.

Are you okay?

Just great.

I'm lonely, my job sucks...

and I'm in love with a girl

who's got a boyfriend.

My life has totally turned to sh*t.

Funny thing about sh*t, Joe.

-Good stuff grows out of it.

-Yeah, right.

You don't believe me?

Check out that bag in the corner.

Where do you want this stupid bush?

Right over there.

Isn't this great, Blank?

This is not my thing.

Why did I say yes to this?

For you.

Elephicalia vermilius?

I did my senior thesis on this flower.

It's only found

in Sri Lankan elephant habitats.

It loves rotting, moist conditions.

You know....

It's a terrific planting for the garden.

Good.

Thanks.

What's "P.I.S. & S?"

It's the bank I work for.

"Prudential lnvestment Stocks

and Security Savings...."

I thought you played in a band.

I do.

But...

banking is kind of like my trade.

I'm sort of a rock-and-roll banker.

You wear these overalls to work?

What's this?

Those are super-mulching pellets.

Great for growing things.

-I've never seen them before.

-It's a new technology.

Could you get some of these

for the garden?

As many as you want!

Thank you.

You're great.

On one condition:

You come see my band tomorrow night.

I can put you on the list.

I don't know.

Come on.

Can't resist a man in a uniform.

Thank you for tuning into Alternative Life.

New York's only truly underground forum.

We continue last week's discussion:

"How can we promote better

understanding between species?"

Lay off the rat jokes!

How many rats does it take

to screw in a light bulb?

How'd you like a punch in the beak,

wise guy?

Lay off the bird, sewer breath!

Go gnaw some nuts!

Can 't we all just get along?

No!

Now, guys--

-Out of the way.

-We're watching Charlie Roach.

I've got a date tonight.

Is she cute?

-About time, Joey!

-Porkola time, buddy.

-So I want you to stay out of sight.

-Who, us?

-Sure, Joey.

-No problem, Joe.

-You got the place to yourself.

-We're Gandhi.

I'll forget every horrible thing you've ever

done to me if you disappear tonight.

-Just disappear.

-We're on the same team.

Forget about it.

I mean it.

Thanks, Joe.

Look at that piece of meat.

That is some dope sh*t, Joe.

Look at that, Joe!

-That hit the spot.

-Complements to the chef.

Joe's first date!

Let's make it special.

-Great idea, Ralph.

-Special, sure.

I'm in favor.

Come on, buddy, that's it.

Let's get him over the curb.

Mr. Smith?

It's a hostile takeover.

Ten minutes ago this company became

a wholly-owned subsidiary...

of Featherstone Feminine Products.

They're going to shut down

the whole urinal cake division!

Don't forget to take this.

This way, gentlemen. Roll it over here.

My whole life's work!

Ruined!

That's right.

The days of trickle-down economics

are over.

Ladies and gentlemen. It's loud, it's bad...

it's Sh*t!

Easy crowd.

Oh, a new drummer.

Yeah, I hope he's good.

Hit it!

I'm sorry!

There won't be any rock-and-roll tonight.

This is all that's left!

This feeble wimped-out death rattle...

is all that remains of the rolling thunder...

of America's heartbeat!

It wasn't that bad.

Yes, it was.

Maybe you should stick to banking,

after all.

I'm not a banker. I'm not a drummer.

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