Joe's Apartment Page #4

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I can't even keep a job

collecting urinal cakes.

I'm just...

nothing.

I think you're something.

-Why aren't you with your boyfriend?

-What boyfriend?

The guy I saw you kiss in the garden

a few days ago.

He's probably home kissing my mother.

He's my dad.

The lot is completely planted.

The community is behind it,

the flowers are starting to bloom.

Now I just have to show it to my father...

and show him something good

can come out of the neighborhood...

and it's worth saving.

Do you want to come to my place?

I've got a towel you could use.

Funky towel

Towel's got the funk

Funky towel

Towel's got the funk

Baby, I got the love

Baby, I got the power

Come on, girl, and rock my world

And my funky towel

Baby, got the love

Baby, got the howl

Let's get down to party town

And my funky towel

Thick and funky

Steamin ' up the dance floor

Get on up and shake that thing

Everybody's gettin ' what they ask for

Everybody, everybody, sing

Sing, sing, sing

Welcome to Joey's toilet

-Make yourself at home.

-Thanks.

I've got a towel....

What are you doing?

Having a party, what does it look like?

I'm serious. I want you out of here!

-Joe, my brother!

-Thanks, Joey!

-What say there?

-Bust a move.

Funky towel

Towel's got the funk

Okay, I'm dancing. Now, beat it. Leave.

You just flushed the rhythm section

out to Coney lsland.

So follow them out there. Lily's here.

She is?

My towels are in the laundry.

Oh, that's fine.

So...

do you live here alone?

Yep. Nobody here but us.

Guys, you promised.

Come on, baby, light my fire.

-Up periscope.

-Music, maestro.

How about a smooch, baby?

Your place is so comfy.

Shut up.

I mean...

drink up.

Down the hatch, sweetie.

Here's to life's little surprises.

I think you'll need one of these, Joe.

Pretzel nugget?

Bon appetit.

What a lover!

A real Casanova.

Go get her.

I beg your pardon?

Feeling better?

Well, I'm...

still a little wet.

-What's going on?

-Don't push.

I'm sorry. I hope you don't catch cold.

-She wants it.

-I smell victory.

At least it wasn't a downpour.

Steady there!

-Steady!

-Don't tip it!

Let me out of here!

No, no! Wait!

Oh, my God!

Lily, come back!

Oh, my God.

My garden.

My father was right.

This place does deserve to be a prison.

The East Village sucks!

We're really sorry, man.

-We're sorry.

-We didn't mean it.

Tough break, buddy.

We didn't know.

Beer, Joe? Oh, sorry.

She'll never speak to me again.

Come on. There'll be others, Joe.

I don't want any others. I want Lily.

I want to die.

Look on the bright side.

You always got us.

All right.

That's it.

I'm getting rid of you roaches

once and for all.

Wait. Don't be rash.

I'll kill every last one of you!

We're family!

Well, I guess this means war.

Joe, let's talk.

This is all I have to say to you, Ralph.

-He's got a bomb!

-Run for your lives!

No! Don't do it!

My babies! My babies!

One, two, three, heave!

Heave!

Careful, soldier, don't lose your head.

Oh, Joe's little dolly got hurt.

Red alert!

Armored force, attack!

Let her go!

Timber!

-What the....

-Hello, Joe.

Now can we talk?

-You go first.

-No, you go first.

Goddamn, you little sons of b*tches!

Get the hell out of my apartment!

Listen to that.

-Your apartment?

-I believe we were here first.

We'll be here last, too.

We got a long-term lease on this planet.

Roaches will be crawling on the daisy

popping out of the last rotting human.

God, you're disgusting!

Like you humans

are any kind of f***ing prize!

What makes you so much better than us?

War, pollution, New Age music!

I suppose those things are our fault?

We just want to say two things. First:

We're sorry we ruined your life. Second:

Goodbye.

-Toodles.

-Sayonara.

What do you mean "goodbye"?

-We took a big risk talking to you.

-Since you faked our friendship...

you can't walk off

knowing what you know.

Painful decision, Joe.

Wait!

Here, roachy, roachy.

Going to miss you.

I was kidding.

-Any last words?

-Don't kill me.

Those are the last words?

Ready! Aim!

Ralph! Rodney!

Help!

Big deal. Please hold.

So what? Please hold.

Don't make me laugh. Please hold.

No, ma'am.

I think you should take the shrapnel out

before you cauterize.

-I don 't think I can do it.

-Please hold.

Central Complaint Department.

I'd like to speak to Lily Dougherty.

Lily's not here.

Will she be back soon?

No. She's sick.

Sick?

She's sick of her job.

And she's sick of New York City.

And she's sick of having her stupid

daydreams dashed to pieces.

And what makes her sickest...

is the unspeakably rotten things

some people do to other people...

just when she was beginning to like them!

Lily, is that you?

No.

Lily quit.

Lily, it's Joe!

Lily!

Ralph!

Rodney!

I don't care

if you can hear me or not, Ralph!

But you can keep this goddamn city!

I'm going back to lowa!

Here's a souvenir to take with you.

So long, sucker.

I love the real estate business.

The place looks great.

Sure it does, Ralph. Where's Joe?

Around here someplace, I suppose.

Joe!

Joe, speak to me!

Who did this to you?

We did, Ralph. We ran out on him

just when he needed us most.

We behaved no better

than a bunch of people.

We got to make it up to him.

Let's find him a new place.

We got to get Lily back, too.

Forget that, I'm a cockroach,

not Santa Claus.

Ralphie, I'm surprised at you.

Does this mean you're giving up?

Give up? Give up?

What are you saying to me?

How come us roaches have been able

to outlast the dinosaurs?

How do we survive poison

and persecution?

How do we keep on crawling

in the face of the world in arms?

How?

I'll tell you how.

Because we never give up!

A true cockroach never gives up!

They can stomp us, they can pop us,

but they'll never ever stop us!

Some day, the great H-bomb will drop,

and we'll have the planet to ourselves!

I don't care if we call in favors from

every roach, rat and pigeon in New York.

We aren't giving up on Joe!

-Great speech, Ralph!

-Truly righteous, brother.

Where's the stapler?

-I need five copies.

-How do you spell "memorandum"?

Boot it up.

Anybody got a 1942 W-440?

Special delivery.

This is giving me hay fever.

Hey, watch the potholes, homes.

Excuse me, sir. Mind if we borrow this?

Tubular!

Wash out!

Sewer surfing

Under-turfing

We get our kicks while we're hanging six

On a sewer surfing holiday

We're surfing, we're sewer surfing

Shoo-shoo

Shooting the tube

We are going to get there

Shooting the tube

Hitting the loo

We're dirtier than you

We are shooting the tube

Are you sure this is the right address?

Yes, Daddy.

"324 1/2 East 8th Street.

"Prison dedication, 9:00 a.m."

Funny, I could have sworn

this was an empty lot.

-Hi, Lily.

-Joe!

What's all this?

I guess it's sort of...

mine.

And I'm giving it to you.

Is it okay?

It's wonderful, but how did you....

My friends helped.

I see.

Lily, you were right.

This park will do more for

the Lower East Side than 1,000 prisons.

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