Kelly's Heroes Page #3

for me, because I'm going.

With you or without you.

Okay.

- Come on, give me a hand down there.

- What a bunch of sh*t this is!

Sergeant, everything's secure up here.

I'm coming down now.

Hi, Captain.

Sergeant, do you think I can get this yacht

to Paris by Sunday?

You didn't bring me to this farmhouse

to talk about this boat again?

I made a deal with headquarters.

I have three days rest for you and the men.

Make sure they have a good time.

I must get this yacht to Paris

and get some things for the General.

And where do we spend this vacation?

Right here, Sergeant.

Are you kidding?

I'm not kidding. With a little imagination,

you can fix this place up.

Lay out a baseball diamond.

Run the water into the house.

Special service is coming by

with some magazines and paperbacks.

We're 10 miles from the nearest town!

There's no action!

That's the beautiful thing

about this location. It's quiet.

Get yourselves a suntan, a little rest.

In three days we're back in the line.

- We're all ready to move out!

- Yeah, I'm coming. Go ahead.

There's no booze, there's no broads,

there's no action!

That's another thing.

Don't fool around with the women,

their husbands carry guns.

Don't forget, the penalty

for looting is death!

Loot what? There's nothing here to loot!

I'll be back in three days.

"Get yourself a suntan and get some rest."

He's got to be out of his mind!

But how does he get away with it?

That's what I'd like to know.

Very simple. The General's his uncle,

that's how.

Crapgame?

What do you want?

I want to talk to you for a few minutes.

What about?

I have this deal I've been working on.

I thought you might be interested

in helping me out.

What kind of deal?

A private deal.

Harry, go get yourself a haircut.

I hear Maitland's got himself a yacht

and taking it to Paris.

That's right.

There's no money in yachts.

What does he want a yacht for?

Who cares, as long as it keeps him

out of our hair for a few days?

Okay, Kelly.

What is it? What is it you want?

Well, I want 15 Thompson's,

two.30 caliber machine guns...

...two bazookas, two field radios...

...and supplies and ammunition to last

a platoon of men in the field for three days.

Is that all?

Nope!

I want the Intelligence report

for this whole sector in the next two hours.

That's nice. What's in it for me?

- A piece of the action.

- What kind of action?

This kind of action.

Hello, lzzy? Yeah, it's me, it's me.

Listen, get me a quotation for gold

on the Paris market.

Yeah, now, and hurry it up!

How much more where this came from?

Fourteen thousand bars.

Fourteen thousand bars?

Fourteen thousand!

Hey, sweetheart, have yourself a bottle

of booze, you're beautiful!

Fourteen thousand bars!

That's beautiful! Where is it?

In a bank.

In a bank?

You're getting pretty ambitious,

aren't you?

To think you can blow a bank

and get away with it?

It's behind enemy lines.

Behind enemy lines.

That could be the perfect crime.

Right. Right, I got you.

$1.6 million.

What else will you need?

- You could probably use some armor.

- What are you doing up there?

Hey, Crapgame.

Who the hell's that?

His name's Oddball.

I got three Shermans outside.

What outfit?

Right now I don't have any outfit.

Who's your commanding officer?

He got decapitated by an 88

about six weeks ago.

But don't say you're sorry.

He's been trying to get us killed

ever since we landed at Omaha Beach.

It's terrible.

He hasn't reported him dead yet.

You see, I've been collecting his whiskey.

We see our role

as essentially a defensive in nature.

While our armies are advancing so fast...

...and everyone's knocking themselves out

to be heroes...

...we are holding ourselves in reserve

in case the Krauts mount...

...a counteroffensive which threatens Paris

or maybe even New York.

Then we can move in and stop them.

But for $1.6 million...

...we could become heroes for three days.

A Sherman can give you a very nice edge.

Where are these Shermans?

They're outside.

Come on, I'll show them to you.

These are my boys.

And these are your tanks?

Don't let the dirt and the rust hang you up.

We like to give the impression

that we're out of action.

Badly in need of a period

of rest and reorganization.

That way nobody bugs us.

Come on, look at the engine.

This engine's been modified

by our mechanical genius here, Moriarty.

Right?

Whatever you say, babe.

These tanks are faster than any other tanks

in Europe. Forwards or backwards.

We like to feel that we can get out

of trouble quicker than we got into it.

Any other secret weapons?

Oh, yeah.

All the tanks we come up against

are bigger and better than ours.

So that all we can hope to do

is like scare them away.

This gun is an ordinary 76 millimeter...

...but we added a piece of pipe onto it

and the Krauts think...

...maybe it's a 90 millimeter.

We got our own ammunition.

It's filled with paint.

When we fire it, it makes pretty pictures.

It scares the hell out of people.

We got a loudspeaker. When we go

into battle, we play music very loud.

It kind of...

...calms us down.

Come on inside for a minute.

If I hear any more threats

against Maitland's life...

...or wild talk about going to headquarters

and killing the General...

...or raping the nurses at the field hospital,

I'll strangle the guy with my bare hands!

All good things come to those who wait!

We're gonna have a lot of fun here!

Aren't we, Cowboy?

- You can bet your boots on that, partner.

- Sergeant, partner!

Right, Sarge.

I think I've got the crabs.

We'll boil our laundry!

We'll set up a little shower area...

...so we can wash our cute little bodies.

Right, Barbara?

Shut up!

Shave!

A little wine, women and song.

A little chiquita for you, Petuko.

It'll take time to get organized, but I want

that farmhouse to look like a nightclub!

Little Joe!

I want you to set up a bar!

We ain't got no booze.

"We ain't got no booze."

Well, we're going to get some booze!

I'm going to go down to the battalion...

...see if I can lay my hands on

some dirty movies and when I come back...

...I want that farmhouse not only clean,

but completely decorated!

Do you understand that?

All right, Corporal, fall them out!

Let's get moving.

Sixteen million.

Sixteen million.

Kelly, I think I made a slight mistake.

It's not $1.6 million, it's $16 million!

What a bundle!

We'll need plenty of gasoline on this trip.

Think you can get it through enemy lines?

Just name the place, baby.

Right here. Grid section B.

Tonight at 21:
00.

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